You Will Ruin Your Relationship If You Give the Wrong Way
June 23, 2010 by Kara Oh
Filed under All About Men
The magic of learning to understand men, is you’ll begin to get more of what you want. Here’s something you may not know about men and how to create a loving relationship that makes you both happy.
When you’ve been dating and finally settle in to being a committed couple, you might want to start showing him how great a wife you’d be. Or maybe the nurturer in you kicks in and you start doing things for him because you enjoy it so much.
This is a problem and here’s why.
Men are doers. They begin the relationship by pursuing you. They show their love by doing things for you, giving things to you, solving problems for you, making love to you, protecting you, and, when you’re married, “bringing home the bacon.”
In contrast, the best thing you can do is to receive. Yes, receive. That’s different than taking. Certainly, it’s different than demanding or having an attitude of entitlement, all of which are what I call “being ugly.” The foundation of what I teach, and the REAL way to a man’s heart, is Feminine Grace. To receive means to be gracious. And that means being appreciative of what he’s doing for you and giving to you.
When you’re doing for him, you’re basically being the man. Sure, he’s going to love it but over time, you’ll start feeling resentful, you’ll wonder why he isn’t being romantic any more and you’ll settle in to being a comfortable couple, but the passion will die.
If he isn’t doing or giving, he’s not being the man. Something won’t feel right to him, and he won’t know why. On the surface, it seems things should be great. But they’re not because you’ve turned your relationship upside down. You’ve become the man by being the doer and giver, and he’s become the woman when he’s being the receiver. 
So what do you do? It’s logical that if you’re only receiving, and he’s only doing and giving, he’s going to begin to feel resentful. And, of course, you should want to give to and do things for him. The last secret in Men Made Easy is, “A man want’s to be with a woman who encourages him to enjoy being a man.” Part of what this means is you want to encourage him to do for you and give to you because you’re encouraging him to “be the man” for you.
Here’s how you can give to him in a way that encourages him to be the man.
Appreciating what he does for you is the gracious way to receive. So, when you do things for him, you let him know it’s in appreciation for all he does, for what an amazing man he is, for how terrific, happy, beautiful, and sexy he makes you feel. This way you’re not taking over his job of being the man, you’re encouraging him by showing your appreciation. When you cook for him, you let him know how much you enjoy doing it because you appreciate him so much. You’re encouraging him to enjoy being a man, your man, which will inspire him to continue to look for ways to do and give.
This also keeps the romance going. He won’t get lazy and you won’t become resentful. I hope this makes sense to you. It’s a way to honor the lovely dance of masculine and feminine and allows you both to show your love and appreciation for how good you feel to have each other. I hope this has helped you understand men better so you can enjoy a move loving relationship that deepens over time.
From my heart to yours,
For more relationship advice and videos please visit me on the web at Lip Smackin Love and Alive With Love.
Yes, this makes tons of sense . . . And I need to learn this ‘coz I thought being “too giving” was my problem with a couple past relationships (and am afraid to be the same way for my current one.) Yet, it was my “wrong” way of giving! I’ll sure be mindful this time around.
Thanks much, Kara!
At the core of any good relationship must be what I call, “Win/Win Love.” If the goal is that both sides aim to make decisions, choices (even where to have dinner or what movie to see) and settle disagreements with the attitude of, “Let’s work together until we come to a resolution where we both feel like winners,” there will be a lot more successful, meaning fulfilling, relationships.
I wish I had a clue what to have done about a situation where my guy began to shift roles. HE did so many housekeeping things – spent hours manicuring the lawn – but was not available for the intimate conversations I craved. I’m not sure when it changed, but I tie it to the birth of our first child – his stated desire as I was ‘iffy’ and not really wanting more – we each had our own. Do guys sense a shift when they go from being lovers to fathers?
It felt like to me I had to do the tough jobs – fixing a business he invested in and didn’t monitor – I got beat up a lot in that situation and he distanced himself immersed in his own business and more lawn work. He was always able to ensure that women noticed him and had their admiration – I was one of those until I became his wife. I’m not sure what my question is – but still have puzzlements about when the dream began to change. We made 22 years – but when he met the ‘next’ and then the ‘next’ he left the area and does not interact with the kids either. Ideas? Thoughts ??
Hi Geri,
He could be the type of personality that always needs something new. That comes from insecurity and it manifests with him needing to be told he’s attractive so he can feel good about himself. Of course, that’s not where it comes from so it never really gives him what he seeks. And if he is a shallow person who seeks this kind of attention, he’s also the type who isn’t as caring of the other person’s needs and wants. And children, to this type of person, are more of a nuisance than anything. I’m just guessing from the little bit you’ve told me, but maybe something I’ve said hits the mark.