The Luxury of Love

Many of our reactions to each other, what attracts us and drives us to want to be with someone of the opposite sex is deeply embedded in our biology and has to do with survival over the eons of time. But today, because survival is not the motivating factor in our lives, we are blessed with the opportunity to fall in love, to pleasure each other with romantic gestures and to want a love that endures and deepens over time.

When survival was the motivating factor in a couple marrying and creating a family, there weren’t the complications of dating. Even today, many cultures still have arranged marriages where the most important factors are political, economic and whether or not the woman seems to have baby-making potential. But in many cultures, like here in the U.S., it’s a lot of work to find someone with whom there is a mutual attraction and even more work to keep that love and attraction alive over time. One thing that can really help people have greater success is to know each other better. It is estimated that 83% of divorces could be prevented if couples asked each other the right questions. For a list of the most important questions to ask, click here.

Most of our role models for modern relationships are from movies and television. With divorce, kids don’t have any kind of roll model of how it might be to have a home with loving parents. So we are making it up as we go, and it’s pretty obvious that we’re not doing a very good job. One of the best ways to stay “in love” is to create triggers that help us let go of the petty grievances and stay focused on the qualities that attracted us in the first place.

During some quiet time, write a description of the man you fell in love with. Focus on the things that you most admire, the things that made you tingle at the thought of him, the things you did together, and the things he did to you. Bring back the feelings you had when you were falling in love with him and you couldn’t keep your mind off of him. Unless he’s changed and is mistreating you, you can re-ignite those feelings of love. Think of the strongest trigger for you and lock that in as the thing that you will think about when you begin to get angry or frustrated at him, especially when it’s over petty things. I always think about how my husband looked during our wedding ceremony. Melts my heart every time.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect man or woman. But there is such a thing as love and it doesn’t have to die. But like any fire, if it doesn’t get tended, watched over, given more fuel to burn, it will go out. Love isn’t that easy to come by, especially love so strong that we actually want to marry someone. So how sad, when that love dies, especially if it is mostly because the relationship became less important than the job, the house, the social life, the shopping. Without love, life is lacking, like hearing a favorite love song, and having no one to ask to dance.

So make that list. Feel the feelings of love as you remember in vivid color, feel the emotions, and enjoy reliving the beginning of your love. Then share your best memories with your partner. Better yet, ask him to make a list of his own, then, on a special date or weekend away, share your memories. And don’t be surprised that you have new memories to share.

From my heart to yours,

The Single Most Important Skill You’ll Need

If you’ve ever wondered what the single most important skill is for creating a deeply loving, passionate relationship is, I would tell you, without a doubt – it’s the ability to use the power you already have, as a woman, over any man you want to influence.

That’s because the single most important ingredient of any successful relationship is… the power that is hidden within you right now. I call it Feminine Grace and I’ll teach you how to use it. Click Here.

This Can Ruin Sex

There’s nothing that compares to great sex. It comes with confidence, comfort with our partner and a willingness to be both vulnerable and spontaneous.

But if you think sex should be a certain way, it’s very difficult to have great sex. An idea that will definitely keep you from having enjoyable sex is thinking you aren’t experienced enough. Experience is a good thing, but not essential to enjoying being sexual with someone.

If your partner is messing up the fun in the bedroom because they’re concerned they aren’t as experienced as you are, here’s an idea. Tell them that you, in a certain way, are just as  inexperienced, in that you two are just getting to know each other.

When  people care about each other, there’s a pressure to  please. When a man is good at ‘performing’ because he’s been with a lot  of women, and the next woman is just one more woman to impress, he has  no trouble. But the moment he cares, those little insecurities can slip in  and even the most confident man can find himself having difficulty  either with desire or ability to perform.

In my  previous relationship, he always needed me to be in the ‘right space’  emotionally and spiritually for him to become aroused. I tried to tell  him that sex could be all over the map. Sometimes raw and nasty,  sometimes sweet, sometimes deeply loving, sometimes profoundly  spiritual. But for me, the most important thing was to connect  sexually, because that’s how I bond.

When I told him I no longer  wanted to be a romantic couple, we decided to have a session with our  two therapists (mine was recommend by his) where I would give the ring  back to him. One of the things I said, in explaining why our  relationship was no longer working for me, was what I said above about  sex, and finished up with, “Sometimes you just want to fuck.” His  therapist sat up and said, “See, Thomas, that’s what I’ve been trying to  tell you.” So his therapist had apparently been trying to get him to see  my point as well.

When you let go of how it should be, how experienced or knowledgeable you need to be, you can begin to develop a joyful, sensuous, fulfilling sexual relationship.

Great sex needs to be allowed the freedom to unfold in its own way. Sometimes it can be raw  and nasty, some time it’s quick-gotta-have-you-now,  sometimes sweet and loving, sometimes passionate and very sensuous. If you have no expectations–even though you might begin with an  idea of how it will go–then just  allow it to go where it wants to, you’ll have a great physical relationship. That’s when magic  happens. Magic NEVER happens when we TRY to make it happen.

If both of you can let go of expectations and insecurities you’ll develop the perfect sexual relationship to match you both. Make it a  child-like exploration of discovery and it will be great. A wonderful way to explore your sexual union is to listen to Boring In Bed together–my program on better sex. Listening together, then talking about–and practicing–what you’re learning, will help break down the walls or barriers that have kept you from relaxing and simply enjoying each other.

I invite you to download my three free ebooks so you can determine if he’s a Caveman, a Dog, a Prince or all three at KaraOh.com.

From my heart to yours,

The Single Most Important Skill You’ll Need

If you’ve ever wondered what the single most important skill is for creating a deeply loving, passionate relationship is, I would tell you, without a doubt – it’s the ability to use the power you already have, as a woman, over any man you want to influence.

That’s because the single most important ingredient of any successful relationship is… the power that is hidden within you right now. I call it Feminine Grace and I’ll teach you how to use it. Click Here.

Three Ways To Bring Back the “In Love Sparkles”

If you’ve been together for a while, those “in love sparkles” can disappear. Sometimes they just ebb and flow, coming and going mysteriously.

When they’re gone, things just don’t feel as good as they used to.

Often, we’re not very aware of why things don’t feel quite right, you wonder if your relationship is over, and hope that somehow, the love will return.

We don’t know why it went away and we don’t know why it comes back.

But what if you could help keep the feelings of being ‘in love’ alive? Quite often a man or woman contacts me, worried because their  partner has announced they’re no longer ‘in love.’

Too often it’s assumed this means the relationship or marriage is over, and often it is, because they’ve let things go too far.

But if they had known what they could have done along the way to keep the ‘in love sparkles’ alive, they very well might not have gotten to the point of no return.

So, here are three things that can help a couple bring back the ‘in love sparkles:’

1. Start having fun again.
2. Start having more sex by kissing for 10 second at least once a day.
3. Speak up, in a loving way, instead of allowing resentment to build up.

1 – Start Having Fun Again

Remember when you first fell in love? Weren’t you having fun doing pretty much anything? And didn’t you make a point to create activities and time together so you could have fun together? Didn’t you laugh and do silly things because you felt so youthful?

Well, think back; what did you do then that you can plan now? Make things happen because they’re aren’t going to happen on their own.

2 – Share 10 Second Kisses

You can’t get aroused if you allow a kiss to go at least ten seconds. If you kiss for ten seconds as you part in the morning, you’ll both be thinking about each other in new and spicy ways.

If you share ten second kisses when you meet at the end of the day, you might end up in the bedroom for a spontaneous romp. And if you kiss for ten seconds when you’re in bed, it’s amazing how often you will no longer be too tired to have sex.

3 – Speak Up and Avoid Resentment, the Love Killer

This is a bit tricky if you’ve both been holding back and allowing resentment to build up, maybe over many years. In my Marriage Makeover Manual there are three Communication Techniques that I teach so couples can safely talk about the little and sometimes big things that have been swept under the rug.

The biggest problem with resentment is it causes us to begin to develop loathing toward our partner, and who wants to be touched by someone you loath?

That’s why I call resentment the killer of love. And the strange thing is, we do it to ourselves by not speaking up when they do or say things that usually start out as small irritations.

If you want to know how to talk to your husband or significant other about what’s been bothering you, I’ll post an article on how to do that in my next newsletter. Be sure to register for it here. You will find it on the right side of the blog where it says “3 Free eBooks”.  It is free and fun! Andhttp://www.alivewithlove.comhttp://www.alivewithlove.com you get 3 terrific books!

 

From my heart to yours,

The Single Most Important Skill You’ll Need

If you’ve ever wondered what the single most important skill is for creating a deeply loving, passionate relationship is, I would tell you, without a doubt – it’s the ability to use the power you already have, as a woman, over any man you want to influence.

That’s because the single most important ingredient of any successful relationship is… the power that is hidden within you right now. I call it Feminine Grace and I’ll teach you how to use it. Click Here.

Men and Love – How Men Fall In Love

In my hundreds of interviews with men, I’ve come to the conclusion that men love more deeply than women and that it’s a more profound experience for them.

The reason I believe this is because most men are brought up to stuff down their feelings, particularly if they are considered feminine feelings. By the time they’re in middle school, they’ve learned to numb their feelings so well that they don’t even know they’re there any longer.

But love is such a big emotion when it hits them, that they are almost overwhelmed with the immensity of it. It cannot be ignored or denied. And because it’s so huge, they barely know what to do with it. When a man feels true love, the woman they love is a thing to treasure and they are almost in awe of what is happening.

In comparison, love for women is wrapped up in a lot of other emotions, fantasies, wishes fulfilled, joy, excitement, anticipation, futuring, planning, etc. So it gets diluted among all the other things that go along with it. We feel it deeply, but it’s not the huge, earthshaking experience that can hardly be put to words that it is to a man. And often, when men feel it, they DON’T put it to words because they are just in it.

Men don’t want or need to talk about their feelings. Women do. Men don’t need to put it to words because love simply makes them want to act on it by being with the woman they love. One of my twelve Secrets about men is, “Men show love through action.”

If you can understand this very important difference between men and women, you can relax and enjoy his way of experiencing and expressing love, rather than dampening his feelings by insisting that he express it they way you do. You’ll both be happier, love is free to grow and flourish.

Get my three free ebooks about men and discover if he’s a Caveman, a Dog, a Prince or all three.

From my heart to yours,

The Single Most Important Skill You’ll Need

If you’ve ever wondered what the single most important skill is for creating a deeply loving, passionate relationship is, I would tell you, without a doubt – it’s the ability to use the power you already have, as a woman, over any man you want to influence.

That’s because the single most important ingredient of any successful relationship is… the power that is hidden within you right now. I call it Feminine Grace and I’ll teach you how to use it. Click Here.

He Doesn’t Give Me Enough Time and Attention!

“Your primary sense of self is through your relationships–as a mother, a friend, and a wife and lover; his is his success as a man.” Men Made Easy

A common complaint of women is that their boyfriend or husband is too busy with his work to give them the time and attention they want.

As I explain in one of the Secrets about men in Men Made Easy, a man’s work is how he defines himself ‘as a man.’ You need to understand this Secret because if you complain, what it feels like to him is you’re trying to rip apart his identity, basically, trying to emasculate him. Yes, he’s driven to be successful, BUT, and this is key, when you’re happy, he feels successful, so much so that if you’re unhappy, he feels like a failure.

First, you need to not take it personally. When he was working to win your heart, that was like a job to him. Once that goal was achieved, he went back to focusing on his work. That’s when you saw how he relates to his work. Some men can leave their work behind at the end of the day. Some can’t. You knew what you were getting involved with. So it’s not fair to complain and it makes you VERY unattractive.

When he does give you time and attention, appreciate the heck out of him by telling him how happy it makes you, how good it makes you feel, etc. But not all in one gush. Spread them out. When you do nice things for him, tell him, “I’m doing this as a thank you forhttp://www.alivewithlove.com., because it meant so much to me.” Hopefully he’s sensitive enough to notice what he’s been doing that makes you happy and that you are showing him how much you appreciate his attention in some pretty special ways.

The primary directive for a great relationship is to approach every situation with the idea of “how can you make this a win/win situation.” It’s not always easy, but ALWAYS worth the effort.

If you’re tired of being confused by men, and need dating or relationship advice, here’s 3 FREE ebooks that will help you begin to understand men better. Sign up to receive them here.

From my heart to yours,

The Single Most Important Skill You’ll Need

If you’ve ever wondered what the single most important skill is for creating a deeply loving, passionate relationship is, I would tell you, without a doubt – it’s the ability to use the power you already have, as a woman, over any man you want to influence.

That’s because the single most important ingredient of any successful relationship is… the power that is hidden within you right now. I call it Feminine Grace and I’ll teach you how to use it. Click Here.

3 Ways To Spice Up a Long Distance Relationship

Women frequently ask me what they can do to keep their long distance relationship strong. A problem for most men is they need to be in the presence of their woman more frequently than women do. That’s because women are so good at using their imagination to fantasize about their guy. But men don’t do that. They need to see and touch you.

But there are some things you can do if you’ve got a real relationship, meaning you do spend time together occasionally. If you’ve never met, that isn’t a relationship, at least not yet. It’s just the getting to know each other stage.

In Men Made Easy I talk about the power of complimenting a man. That’s good once in a while, but because men want to be with a woman who encourages him to enjoy being a man, you should focus on appreciating him. You see, the reason he fell in love with you is because you make him feel good. Appreciation offers a nice dose of those good feelings.

So here three things you can do to perk up his interest:

1. When he calls, let him know how much you appreciate it and how loved he makes you feel.
2. Let him know how much you appreciate that he’s doing this training and how taken care of he makes you feel.
3. Then, if it feels right, why not flirt with him? Tell him you wish he was there because you’ve been thinking about the last time you made love and you’re hungry for him. That kind of thing. If he responds, don’t be afraid to have phone sex. This will make him miss you more than ever.

From my heart to yours,

The Single Most Important Skill You’ll Need

If you’ve ever wondered what the single most important skill is for creating a deeply loving, passionate relationship is, I would tell you, without a doubt – it’s the ability to use the power you already have, as a woman, over any man you want to influence.

That’s because the single most important ingredient of any successful relationship is… the power that is hidden within you right now. I call it Feminine Grace and I’ll teach you how to use it. Click Here.

 

Join me on the Web!

• Twitter
• Facebook
• YouTube
• LipSmackinLove.tv
• AliveWithLove.com

 

Are You Ready For a Healthy Relationship?

Most people seem to want to have a good relationship. But what does good mean? For one woman, a good relationship might be when her significant other stops beating her. For another, a good relationship might be that he comes home for dinner on time. One might be that she doesn’t berate him in front of his friends. And for another, it might mean that he tells her he loves her at least once a week.

I want people to think beyond “good” and raise their expectations to having a “healthy” relationship. A healthy relationship is filled with love, respect, friendship, consideration, and caring. It’s a relationship where a man and a woman are truly best friends as well as lovers.

Too often people settle into relationships that are sometimes destructive, often unhappy, and frequently indifferent. I believe fear keeps people from daring to have more.

Sometimes people are afraid to be alone.

Sometimes they’re afraid to make a change.

Sometimes they’re afraid to talk about the problems.

Sometimes they’re afraid they don’t deserve a better relationship.

The truth is that everyone deserves a healthy relationship, and it’s worth the risk to go for what you want. My goal for you is that you have the best relationship possible. I’ll do everything I can to help.

I want to help you take charge and begin to be the happy, magnificent woman you were put on this planet to be. If you’re interested in joining me, the first step is to read Men Made Easy because that is the foundation of everything I teach, and where I introduce the concept of Feminine Grace. And you can join my support group where other women, just like you, are struggling with the very same issues you are.

From my heart to yours,

The Single Most Important Skill You’ll Need

If you’ve ever wondered what the single most important skill is for creating a deeply loving, passionate relationship is, I would tell you, without a doubt – it’s the ability to use the power you already have, as a woman, over any man you want to influence.

That’s because the single most important ingredient of any successful relationship is… the power that is hidden within you right now. I call it Feminine Grace and I’ll teach you how to use it. Click Here.

 

Join me on the Web!

• Twitter
• Facebook
• YouTube
• LipSmackinLove.tv
• AliveWithLove.com

 

Do You Play the “Who’s Responsible” Game?

What you’re feeling, how you react, how you interpret your partner’s words and actions are your responsibility. Yes, they may be doing something very wrong, but you get to choose how you react to it.

It’s important that you not blame your partner for what you’re feeling. Their words or actions may be a trigger for your reaction, but they aren’t responsible for how you react. If you get hurt, or angry, or sad, that’s from something within you. Most likely from some childhood way of learning how to cope.

Here’s an example of how to talk about your reaction, without blaming. Many years ago, when I was first getting to know a new man (we went together for only 18 months), he was in Utah on business and said he’d call me the next day. Excited to hear from him, every time the phone rang I thought it might be him. As the day rolled by, I had the opportunity to go through a variety of emotions. By midnight, I was not doing very well. All my reactions had come from within me. He had absolutely nothing to do with it except trigger it by not calling when he said he would. He was totally unaware of all my reactions.

By the time he called the next day, happy to connect, I was upset, but not blaming him. I was crying and could tell by his words and tone that he wished he could make it better.

As he tried to apologize, I explained that my hurt feelings weren’t his to fix, but that he was a trigger for them. I had made up what it meant. He just didn’t call, that was all.

I told him I might react the same the next time it happens, but he shouldn’t feel responsible for my feelings, just for being the trigger. We determined it would be more polite if he did call when he said he would. When the conversation was over he said, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He caught himself and said, “I might call you tomorrow.” When we parted he thanked me for teaching him so much about how to love. Hopefully that was one of those things.

TO CRITICIZE or NOT

I could have blamed, criticized, and accused him. And I might have been correct in doing so. But no one likes to be criticized. Besides, when we do so the person we’re trying to talk to can’t really hear us because they’re on guard and making their case for why they’re not at fault. Plus, blaming is downright ugly. Picture someone with their finger wagging in your face and imagine their tone of voice. It’s quite unattractive.

When you’re upset with someone for something they have, or have not done, you should explain how it feels to you, not how they’re bad and wrong. An example would be, “I was embarrassed and hurt when you told your sister that I can’t cook very well,” as opposed to, “You’re a jerk for saying that to your sister. How could you?” Can you see how different his reaction would be to the two ways of expressing your upset?

Communication stops in the second example because defenses go up. When defenses go up, you are no longer being heard. And you do want to be heard, don’t you? Of course, you want your communication to be successful.

Non-blaming communication takes practice. You have to think first, then express yourself as unemotionally and clearly as possible. If you’re feeling angry sometimes it’s a good idea to go outside, let off steam, then come back when you can stay calm.

As we hear all the time, communication is the key to a successful relationship. Without it, resentments build up, and resentment, allowed to go on too long, is the death of love and passion.

Learning how to communicate efficiently and lovingly with a man will do wonders for your relationship. For tips on how to do just that, check out Men Made Easy. The secrets revealed in this book will guide you into the relationship you always wanted.

From my heart to yours,

Communication That Reaches Into His Heart

We’ve heard it over and over, communication is one of the most important aspects of any successful relationship. Often women blame the the man for the lack of communication in their relationships. It’s true, men don’t generally have that much to say on the more heart-to-heart topics. 

But it’s not how much is said, its the way things are said that matters. Women are often better communicators than men because men have been taught by society to keep their emotions inside. When they cried as a child, they were most likely told to “be a man,” “big boys don’t cry,” “pick yourself up and get bak out there.” The repercussion of that kind of conditioning is that men don’t usually share their emotions easily. 

Understanding this can help improve the communication in a relationship. You have to create an environment where your man feels free to share his emotions and the following technique will help you do just that. 

How To Get Him To Open Up 

Here is how you get a man to open up and share more of what’s hidden safely in his heart. First, you need to pick a time when he’s not doing anything. If he’s reading the paper, he’s doing something. So ask him if it’s a good time for you to join him. Never, ever say “We need to talk.” That will scare him because that usually means he’s in trouble. If he says “Yes,” then sit down with him and just chit-chat for a few minutes. 

Now, ask him a not-too-scary question. Don’t ask him anything that has to do with your relationship or how he feels about you. That, to most men, is very scary because they know you probably have an agenda of what you want to hear, and they know they’ll probably get it wrong, and end up in trouble. 

So, instead, ask him what he likes best about his work, or what he enjoys best about golf, or why driving fast is such a passion. Whatever he’s into, ask him why he likes it. This causes him to have to go into his feelings, but it isn’t as scary as “why do you love me?” Can you feel the difference?  

Now for the tricky part. You need to be quiet. Not a word. Ask your question, then wait until he responds. One of the most profound things I learned when I was interviewing the men for my book, Men Made Easy, is that men need, what I call, “moments of silence.” That is the time they need to gather their thoughts. We think it’s our time to jump in and comment. DON’T! Allow as many “moments of silences” as he needs. 

Each time you don’t interrupt him, the safer he’ll feel, and the more likely he’ll speak with more vulnerability. When he’s done, don’t comment unless he invites you to. Simply thank him for sharing. If you’ve been cutting him off for a long time, or editing what he does say, it might take you a few tries to get him to trust that he’ll actually be listened to. 

If you want more heart-to-heart intimacy, this is the way to get it. Oh yes, never, ever repeat what he’s shared with you. If you do, and he finds out, it will be the last time he opens up to you. Which is more important to you, deeper intimacy with him, or sharing something juicy with a girlfriend?

From my heart to yours,

 

The Heart Whisperer™

To learn all my secrets about men you’ll want to get your own copy of Men Made Easy right away.

You can go from “totally confused” about men to knowing how to melt his heart and bask in how good it feels to be cherished by a man who adores you.

Do you know what it takes to create an amazing relationshiphttp://www.alivewithlove.com. to get a man to fall crazy-in-love with youhttp://www.alivewithlove.com. to get him to love you as much as you love him?

Click here to find out!

Tricks For Dealing With Unpleasant People

When I am required to interact with someone who is unpleasant in any way, here are some tricks I use to get through it:

1) I add a bit of inner humor by assuming their hemorrhoids are acting up. We aren’t as likely to get triggered if we’re enjoying a private joke.

2) I imagine a bubble of light around me that nothing unpleasant can penetrate. I always think of Maxwell Smart and his Cone of Silence, which again, adds that element of humor.

3) I remember that their negative behavior is the outer expression of inner pain and a cry for love.

4) #3 then allows me to imagine my heart energy extending out to their heart. They don’t know it’s going on, but I’m always amazed that it does sometimes shift their behavior. And when it doesn’t if shifts my energy to a calmer place.

5) If I do get triggered, I assume it’s A.F.L.E. and after I’ve settled down, get to work to find out what I’m supposed to learn about myself so I don’t get triggered next time.

6) Take conscious, deep breathes. It is impossible to hold stress in our bodies or even stay upset, in the moment we are taking a deep breath. We very well might go right back to being stressed or upset, but a moment of reprieve is a moment worth savoring.

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer™

 

For more articles on love and romantic relationships please visit Kara Oh at Alive With Love here.

Heart Connection With Crazy Shirley’s Spinach & Feta Omelet

Sunday mornings I go to the gym to work out and every once in a while, I sit at the counter with my book and enjoy a full-on breakfast at Santa Barbara’s best.

This morning I was sitting at the counter and, for whatever reason, looked around the restaurant. All the booths and tables were filled with happy people enjoying each others company. Husbands and wives with kids; sets of couples sharing booths; college age kids; several groups of boisterous guys and a few groups of happy women.

Silly me, with my emotions hanging out for everyone to see––as they always are––tears started to fill my eyes. It was embarrassing but I don’t think anyone was paying attention. What I was noticing was how exuberant and affable everyone was. What brought the tears to my eyes were these thoughts: “What if everyone got along this well all the time? Everyone in this restaurant ––except for families––were once strangers. And now that they know each other, look how happy they all are. Some could even be meeting people for the first time, but in this setting, they’re instantly accepted as a friend.”

If I hadn’t been sitting there alone, I might have missed this very special moment. In my heart, I was hugging everyonehttp://www.alivewithlove.com.so happy for all of them.

When you’re alone, take a moment to just notice what’s going on with the people around you. Most often, we’re busy, hustling from one thing to the other; not noticing the people around us, sometimes even those we’re interacting with; judging those who are different in dress, custom or beliefs; sometimes fearful simply because we don’t know someone. If you notice how disconnected you are, in that moment smile and remember, “We’re all strangers, but in the right circumstances, we could all be friends.”