Non-Monogamy, An Alternative?
June 24, 2010 by Kara Oh
Filed under All About Marriage
Let’s talk today about open marriages.
I have strong opinions about this because this is the idea that began the breakup of my 29-year marriage so I’ll try to stay objective. Intellectually, how could we want to deny our partner any source of happiness? That was my struggle. But my heart and my gut said no $#%@ way.
It seems the only reason two people would want to join as an exclusive couple, other than to create a family for child raising, would be to experience the deepest love possible. Only time and a true knowing can allow that depth to occur.
I’ve talked with several couples who tried open marriages and they all said it didn’t work.
They said either the love withered or jealousies and insecurities made it intolerable.
They said the outside sex took their energy, interest, and focus.
They were not emotionally available to deepen the love with their primary partner.
If we can’t stay open to our partner, if we begin to shut down, we’re defeating the whole purpose of being in a loving relationship. One of the main ways we build that deep love is being open, trusting, and sharing who we really are. What are your thoughts on this topic?
From my heart to yours,
The Heart Whisperer™
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Great work, love your articles/blog!
Kara…
I believe it’s possible that people who are happily polyamorous–in whatever format that takes for them–have different brain chemistry, and it doesn’t impact them the way it does other people.
Stacy
I think it’s worth exploring where the concept of marriage came from. Is it something that was created by man (meaning male humans) for some purpose of their own design. And, if so, is the concept of marriage one that people, societies and religions have adopted as “right” merely because they share the same thinking? (Bruce Lipton would call a meem)
Or is marriage something that is a part of the Divine order? Most animals do not mate for life. A few do, but most do not. So, why do humans? And why do humans believe that this is inherently “right”? Because it is? Or because that’s what they’ve been taught?
And I know there will be some that will discuss the destructive effect on children if there were no marriage or long-term commitment. I do not believe this is true. The destructive effect that we sometimes see is at least in part due to the drama and trauma that people indulge in as they are ending a relationship and the ideas and turmoil that are as a result imposed on children (sometimes purposely). If relationships lasted as long as they were truly loving, nurturing, supportive and joyful, rather than as long as the piece of paper was in force, I believe everyone including children would be happier.
Finally, how many people do you know (not think, but know well enough to actually know) who have a joyful, loving, mutually supportive, nurturing and happy marriage? And how many people do you know who are just “married”?
Intended to be food for thought……….
I too believe that marriage is socially constructed and agree that monogamy is not our natural way of being. I also believe though, that loving someone is a choice, and that we don’t just fall out of love with our partner.
I also think that it is normal to feel romantic love for someone other than your partner, but that we have been conditioned over much time to believe that this is highly unacceptable and immoral. Because of this, I can’t see an open relationship working very well, unless you were raised by wolves!!
It is great to understand and be aware of all of the social constructions that we live with, so that we can accept ourselves when our feelings and natural instincts go against the norm.
In the end, I am happy not to be ignorant, but also aware that I have to live in our society!!
Laureen
You make some good points. Thanks, Laureen, for sharing.