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AliveWithLove.com Home Only subscribers to the newsletter have access to this page. September - 2004 This Month's Issue Includes:
1. “I can’t afford to get hurt.” The unexamined life is not worth living. Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 1. “I CAN’T AFFORD TO GET HURT.” I got an email question from a woman who was concerned that every time she and her boyfriend got closer (like after a great weekend together) that he would then proceed to pull away and need his own space for a while. She said that he was really hurt by the women previous to her, which made him insecure. She then said that she was also getting insecure because of his need to pull away and that she couldn’t afford to get hurt either. I answered her email, which I hope was helpful, but it got me to thinking. Her wording, “couldn’t afford to get hurt,” seemed odd. My reaction to that is that if you can’t afford to get hurt then you can’t afford to care. Part of caring and falling in love is taking the risk of getting hurt. But what’s the fear of being hurt all about. It won’t kill us. Of course some have committed suicide over a lost love but that person was unstable to begin with. I’m talking about the average person here. When I hear that someone is afraid of love for fear that they will get hurt, it seems so sad that they are choosing to miss out. But where do we learn how to deal with hurt? I didn’t take that class. The best way I’ve discovered to deal with hurt and all the so-called “negative” emotions is to embrace them head-on. Much of my personal and emotional growth has been because of some hurt. Sure, I did lots of therapy, took a bunch of fabulous workshops, and read mountains of books, but my greatest leaps have been because of heartache. The most personally beneficial and most painful was my divorce after 29 years. We felt like we had the best marriage around but at year 27 he began to change the rules and I was thrown into a deep, dark pit. Thankfully, because I had been teaching a particularly profound workshop, I had all the tools necessary to mine the gold from that horrid experience. I have a name for all the stuff that causes us grief. I call them A.F.L.E. That stands for Another F----ing Learning Experience. You have to use the F word to make it meaningful. Sorry if it offends any of you. It give it that edge no other word quite generates. A.F.L.E. is kind of like, “Okay God, I guess I’ve got something to learn, so bring it on.” This attitude has allowed me to trust that whatever is happening is supposed to be happening, or it wouldn’t be happening. And the more I’m hurting, the greater my opportunity to learn. And with each level of learning, the more I know myself, the stronger I am, and the greater my capacity to be the person I was meant to be. That’s why my divorce was my greatest gift. I can’t imagine anything could ever be as painful as that, other than having someone very close to me die unexpectedly. So take risks of the heart. Yes, you might get hurt, but with that risk comes the opportunity to feel the glories of love. But don’t forget to use your intuition when you are getting to know a new man so that you hopefully won’t get involved with someone who is a bad person. I did that with the man I married in 1999 and paid a dear price. Fortunately his lies and conniving ways only cost me money. He was not able to steal any of my spirit. In fact, I’m a better person for having gone through that pile of poo-poo. A.F.L.E. :-) 2. THE CHOICE IS YOURS I mentioned in the previous article that people choose to miss out. I don’t know if that tweaked you or not, but it‘s true. We all get to choose what goes on in our lives. Even if we are imprisoned, heaven forbid, we get to choose what attitude we carry in our hearts. You get to choose to go out on that date. You get to choose who to marry, who to stay with, who to divorce. You get to choose to take good care of yourself, or to abuse yourself. It may not feel like it at the time, but there are choices we get to make each day that will move us closer to our best self, or further away. I chose to stay in a bad marriage for four years. I chose to eat and gain weight. I chose to ignore the money (I made the money, he paid the bills, I got screwed.) I chose to get out of it, to move back to Santa Barbara where my family lives, to buy a house. I chose to get up at 5 a.m. this morning to write this newsletter. I have been choosing to go to the gym every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning. Just like I chose to not work out for the last year. I have been choosing to go for a beach walk every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday (and sometimes Sunday) mornings. I’ve been choosing to ask soul searching questions on my beach walks. And I’m getting answers (some painful to admit) and I’m shifting and becoming a new, improved version of Kara Oh. And hey, I’m losing that weight I put on during those 4 bad years. I knew it was “unhappy” eating. It seemed that I couldn’t help myself but every bite was a choice, with lots of rationalization added in. Who would have thought that rationalization could be so fattening. What kind of choices are you making? As Dr. Phil says, “How’s that workin’ for you?” Are there some choices that aren’t so good for you? Are you choosing to not work out? Are you choosing to focus on the negative? Are you choosing to be ugly to your husband? Or are you choosing to use your Feminine Grace and be beautiful? Your choices affect the quality of your life so choose well. In the June issue of O Magazine Oprah quotes James Allen in the “what I know for sure” section. It’s from a fantastic book, As A Man Thinketh: "We do not attract that which we want but that which we are." Your choices cause you to be “that which you are” so make some choices to think positive, act beautiful, and be your most magnificent self. If you do that, you will attract magnificence into your life and you will be blown away with how amazing your life can be. Why not give it a try? And if you will, please write to me and tell me what miracles are occurring in your life. With much love, Feel free to pass this email on to your girlfriends (but please include credit to Kara Oh and AliveWithLove.com) but be sure to get their permission first. I don't ever want to be associated with unsolicited email. Your e-mail address will never be sold or shared with anyone. Your personal information will always be kept strictly confidential. Kara Oh is the author of Past issues menu here Kara Oh "We're here to make you happy."
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