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Jaunary 28, 2007

Hi all you lovely ladies (and you guys who want to learn about women),

In this issue:
1) Lots of Reaction
2) Your Perfect Partner
3) His Needs vs. Yours
4) First Date Outfit
5) A New Book

1) Lots of Reaction
The article from last time I sent you a newsletter, about what my friend is looking for in a woman, got quite a few comments. One wanted me to introduce him to her and the others were mad at me. I'm sure that some women unsubscribed, which makes me sad because my eyes have been opened because of your reactions.

I have only been looking at how fun my friend is, and, in being a friend and good listener, I forgot to be objective about what's under the surface. It's not as much that he's too fussy and unrealistic, which you have let me know that he is, it's more about what kind of a partner would he be. (By the way, I'm sharing this as a lesson for us all, to look beyond the good looks, the fun personality, and the financial perks.) Overall, I think my friend would be a selfish partner. He wants a playmate but a playmate that will only fit into his world. Those of you who wrote to me were right, he's not looking at what a good woman might need.

Another thing about him that is revealing (that I hadn't noticed before) is that he can't understand why I would drive to Los Angles most every weekend to be with my boyfriend of 2 years. He doesn't understand that it is worth it to me to be with Chris because of how loved, cherished, and taken care of Chris makes me feel. I don't think my friend would have the capacity to make a woman feel that good. He doesn't understand that I do most of the driving because, as much as Chris might want to, he can't come to Santa Barbara very often because of his work load (he's a professor and I had no idea how hard they work plus he takes me on a trip almost every month). That tells me that my friend doesn't fathom being supportive. There's lots more but, bottom line, I'm apologizing for being so narrow in my view of his situation. I wanted to use it as a lesson to point out that it's a good idea to look in the mirror to see what work we might need to do on ourselves. That still stands, always, but there's two sides to every situation. Thank you to those of you who wrote and hit me "up side the head."

2) Your Perfect Partner
When I was looking for my boyfriend, Chris, I had a long list of what I was looking for. It even had "adventuresome eater" which meant to me that he would be adventurous in other ways than just food, you know, willing to try new things. I had worked diligently on it and when I showed it to my girlfriend, she said, "Where's the part about what you have to offer him?" I was embarrassed to have missed that "minor" detail. So I went about creating that part of my list. It must have worked because Chris tells me practically daily how wonderful I am, how supportive, and how grateful he is to have found me. Funny, after 2 years it doesn't get boring to hear.

If you're looking for that special man or even if you're married, have you looked over your list of what you have to offer a partner? If you're married it might be a fun exercise to do together. Then you can appreciate the heck out of each other.

3) His Needs vs. Your Needs
This is a fine line that we have to straddle all the time. It's not always easy to stay in touch with what we need. It's probably the "mother gene" that causes us to focus on other's needs before our own. But if we aren't feeling balanced with our partner, that ugly trait, resentment, creeps in, like a low laying fog along the ground. It doesn't hamper your ability to move about, making it through the day, but it keeps you from seeing clearly where you're going, and eventually you could up in a pit, unable to pull yourself out.

If you're ignoring your needs so he'll think you're great and want to be with you, that will backfire on both of you. If you're married and are in the habit of putting your needs on the back burner, your resentment will creep into every aspect of your marriage and eventually, the distance could get too great to traverse. I know I have to stay conscious of this problem because I'm a giver, and my core belief is that I'm a bother. I'm lucky because Chris, more than anything, wants me to be happy and worry free, plus he's a giver, too. So we're good at talking about things generally as soon as things get stirred up. But you can't ever let down.

4) First Date Outfit
If some of you are looking for Mr. Right and going out on a lot of first dates, which, if you're doing the online dating thing, can keep you pretty busy, there's a perfect color for that first date. I have a color and wardrobe lady, Jennifer Butler, at www.JenniferButlerColor.com, who talks about creating different effects with our clothes. One of the color sets is what she calls your rapport color. Those are colors that match your different skin tones. These colors cause people to feel more comfortable with you, want to get to know you better, and feel like they've known you for years. Great to wear on first meeting, when interacting with children, when you're doing team building activities at work, etc. A secondary rapport color is to match your clothes with your hair color. When I wear my rapport and secondary rapport colors people literally stop and stare at me. It doesn't matter what gender or what age, kids, old folks, men, women. Their faces are always relaxed and kind of peaceful. I'm not sure what's going on but it happens all the time. I purposefully wore my rapport colors when I met Chris. He didn't have a chance.

5) A New Book
I'm reading Bob Grant's ebook, "Be The Woman Men Adore", because so many of my visitors have purchased it. So far I'm really liking it. When I'm done I'll give you a report. But for now, he just launched a book this week titled How "Do I Get Him Back, Here's the Plan To Get Back Your Man". I haven't read it but if you're in a situation where you might find this book useful, I suspect it's good because his first one is. Since it's guaranteed, there's no risk in checking it out. You can take a look here: http://ojaigirl.liebe17.hop.clickbank.net

With much love until next time,
Kara

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Kara Oh is the author of
Men Made Easy
Marriage Made Easy
Women Made Easy
How To Capture His Heart (A dating guide - coming soon)

Past issues menu here

Kara Oh
P.O. Box 21803
Santa Barbara, CA 93121
805-687-2448