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December 21, 2006

Hi all you lovely ladies (and you guys who want to learn about women),

In this issue:
1) How To Receive What You Want From Him
2) Lip Gloss
3) A Special Gift For a Special Guy

I'm on a ski trip in Aspen [my Christmas gift from Chris] but I hurt my shoulder in a bad fall and this is my second day sitting it out. I thought it would be nice to connect with you while I enjoy my cozy room and my beautiful view of the mountain and all the skiers who are out there swishing away. First, let me wish you a very happy holiday. Whether you are celebrating Christmas, Chanukah, or Kwanza, I hope that you remember that the best part of these holidays that bring people together is the love. And the great thing about love is that it can be celebrated any time of the year.

1) How To Receive What You Want From Him.
(This is an edited version of what I posted on my blog a couple of days ago.)
Do you have expectations? You do? Oh dear, that’s not good. Don’t you know that expectations are a recipe for disappointment? I had expectations that Id be skiing with Chris yesterday and today. I’d be really bummed if I’d held on to those expectations. Plus, I could have had expectations about what I thought he should give me. I know it’s easy for him to take me on trips and to tell me beforehand. He even tells me what he’s going to buy me. Last year it was a ski trip to Utah, a one piece ski outfit and boots. He told me to go pick something out and then he’d come with me to see what I’d selected. Then he sat with me as I selected boots. It’s not a surprise but what an amazingly generous gift. No, it’s not jewelry, but he gets to feel good about giving me something really nice, and I get to be taken care of. Why not enjoy every ounce of it? He’s happy and so am I.

Now let’s talk about you.
Are you okay with your husband's or boyfriend's gift selections? When he gives you something unexpected, do you appreciate the heck out of him? Or is there something specific you want him to give you? Are you disappointed when he gives you something different than you’d hoped for? If you didn’t give him clear details about what you wanted, you have absolutely no permission to complain. If you think he “ought to know”, he’s probably in trouble a lot because that kind of thinking slides over into other aspects of your relationship. If you dropped hints, you can’t blame him if he missed them. Men don’t do that well with subtlety. Sometimes they get it, but mostly not. It's just one of those many things about men that you need to get used to.

Men are afraid of the whole gift giving thing.
More often than not, according to the men I have polled, they’re generally scared. They hate that you have expectations, that they don’t know what those expectations are, and scared that they may have missed some hint and that you’ll be yelling at them as soon as the wrapping paper has hit the floor. Give it up, girls. It’s unfair to him and think about it, it’s really unfair to you. You’re missing out on the sweetness of simply enjoying his effort to please you. Can’t you just relax and enjoy that?

Here are a few options: Give him a thrill by telling him that you like to be surprised, but that you know he’s worried about what to give you. Offer him a list of several items and tell him to pick one. That way you’ll be surprised because you won’t know what he picked. He’ll get to be let off the hook, get to feel like he’s taking care of his woman, and you get what you want. Don’t do the hint thing unless you do it exactly like this: Honey, (grab his face) honey, look at me. This is a hint. For Christmas, I’d like ________ (fill in the blank.) He’ll be relieved that he’s going to get you exactly what you want. Tell him where to get it and where it is in the store, if you know. I prefer the list thing, myself. Or, if you want to be completely surprised, tell him so and tell him that you’ll be thrilled with whatever he gives you. You may have to fake it, but if you want future gifts, remember, he needs to feel successful, and he needs to feel like a man. You are the one who can give him both of those things by appreciating his efforts. It’s as simple as that.

2) Lip Gloss
I've been doing a loose poll lately about lip gloss. I was at Nordstrom last week looking for a gift for my 35 year old son's girlfriend. She's 25 and I don't know her well enough to be too specific about a gift. So I decided that some MAC make-up would be enjoyed. She can exchange it for anything in the entire store, or if she likes MAC products, they have the best color selection. The sales girls were trying to get me to purchase a lip gloss set with 5 or 6 different colors. I told them that would be a mean thing to do to my son because I didn't think guys liked kissing women all slathered in lip gloss. To verify if I was correct I started asking lots of guys of all ages what they thought of lip gloss. They said the thought it looked good or okay, but all of them said that no way would they kiss a women or girl with lip gloss. So you can decide about wearing lip gloss on your next date. Or, if it's getting to be that time for kissing, wipe off the gloss and lightly freshen your lipstick.

3) A Special Gift For a Special Guy
Whether you're married, dating, or only hinting around that you'd like him to ask you out, here's something that most any man would appreciate. Make a "Why I Admire ________ (fill in his name)". Be creative in how you put this together. Use nice paper and different colors of ink, or cut out letters from magazines and glue on colored poster board, or use your computer to create something meaningful, or whatever your imagination comes up with. For your list think of all the things he does that make him unique, special, thoughtful, caring, manly, smart, capable, etc. Your list should let him know that you notice a lot more about him than he might realize. Especially important are those things you know or think he admires about himself. Have fun with your project, make it something he would be proud to show his family and friends, and he'll think you're the most amazing woman ever and feel very lucky to have you in his life.

If you're not dating yet, be very careful that you don't go overboard. This only works if you have some kind of relationship with him. If it's the man who delivers your water, maybe just a special card that is specific to him would be more appropriate. In the card you can tell how much you appreciate how strong he is. Most all men love to hear that. And in today's world, I don't think it's out of line add a note that you would love to go for coffee some time with your phone number included. (But don't get your expectations up because he might not have the same interest in you as you do him. But no matter what, you'll have more fun when he delivers your water next time because everyone likes to be noticed and appreciated.)

On this 21st day of December I wish you much love and happiness and I hope 2007 will be the most amazing year of your life.

With much love,
Kara

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Kara Oh is the author of
Men Made Easy
Marriage Made Easy
Women Made Easy
How To Capture His Heart (A dating guide - coming soon)

Past issues menu here

Kara Oh
P.O. Box 21803
Santa Barbara, CA 93121
805-687-2448