How Often Should You Call Him?
July 14, 2010 by Kara Oh
Filed under All About Dating
Women write to me all the time wondering how often it’s okay to call, text and email a new man. I think they ask because at an instinctual level, they know whatever they’re doing is probably too much. So here are some guidelines so you will avoid the mistake of scaring a man off by being too needy and clingy.
When you’re first getting to know a man, before you have established clearly (via a face-to-face conversation) that you are a couple, will not date anyone else and will not have sex with anyone else, your job is to receive and his is to give. You receive his pursuit of you, you receive his phone calls, his texts messages, emails, request to take you out on dates. His is to give to you attention, phone calls, texts, emails and requests to take you on dates.
You do not initiate phone calls, texts, emails at this stage. You WAIT to respond to him. You return his calls, respond to texts and emails, and say yes or not to his requests for dates. The moment you begin to make the calls, text him, send emails, or ask him to go on a date, you have begun to pursue him, which feels to him that you are taking over his job as the man. Because you are. Most men do not like this and will walk away from this kind of woman. To them it feels like you are being clingy and needy.
Another, even more important “job” of dating is, as you get acquainted, to determine if you should continue to pursue a relationship. Men do this better than women do. Men are able to just be in the moment, enjoy time with a woman, and if it keeps feeling good, keep seeing her. Women, on the other hand, tend to try to turn it into a relationship, sometimes–with online dating–even before you’ve met. You can’t be objective when you’re hoping, WAY TOO SOON, that it will become a relationship. Women need to learn from men to be more pragmatic and just enjoy it as a nice time spent together. That’s it. And if you continue to have a nice time together, and learn things about each other that you like, respect and admire, you continue to see each other. Eventually, you realize you don’t want to spend time with anyone else.
Women need to slow down and relax. It’s just a date until you have that conversation that you will be a committed couple. And even then, it doesn’t mean you’re headed to the alter. It only means you’re going to continue to see what’s possible, but won’t be dating anyone else for the time being.
So relax and just have fun allowing him to pursue you. That’s the golden rule of dating. His job it to pursue you and yours is to RESPOND to his efforts at winning your heart. And you know what, if you learn to do this, it will feel a whole lot better than what you’ve been doing.
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Kara, a fantastic and practical guide. Thank you for such an awesome article that is clear and pragmatic. Thank you once again.
Love the article! So very true! Wish I had known it last year at about this time . . . then I might have had a chance with the one guy with whom I had the most chemistry (out of all the fine men I have ever had the pleasure to know.) Because of that extraordinary attraction, I made the mistake of taking his job away, which he was doing so well at the beginning.
Never again . . . as the cost was unspeakably high!!! I ought to be mindful of this now even though I am in a satisfying and exclusive relationship.
Thanks for posting the article, Kara.
I never knew this. This is great information to fell in all the blanks that were never answered.
OMG! A high wattage light bulb just lit up in my head lol. You put it very simply and clearly…”your job is to receive and his is to give.” I have blown opportunities with some great guys, simply because I was doing too much. But that’s what I thought I was to do, show him I was interested too. I have gone on a dating fast and have been working hard at loving myself and learning myself, before I attempt to live my life with someone else. Just recently I reconnected with a gentleman who I had doubts about when we first met a few months ago. So, as we started to talk I was at ease, because of these doubts. He’s very interesting and I’m finding that I want to know more about him. So, I’ve called him and texted him, but that stops today!
I’m so glad you’ve realized you shouldn’t be pursuing him, he should be pursuing you. I know the ‘modern’ women don’t like to hear this, but men are men and if we want to be in a relationship with one, especially one who cherishes us, we need to do the dance that he knows. And sadly, few ‘modern’ women know how good it feels to simply relax and allow the man to be the man.
But it is important that the woman give as well, but from a different direction than when men give. As you move into a relationship, then a woman can offer the things men enjoy, like cooking for him. And if she doesn’t cook, to pick up goodies from the deli, but present them in a sensuous way so he can enjoy her efforts.
When you move into a more permanent relationship, that’s when women tend to start doing all the work. Not good. It’s fine to do for him, but always remind him that you’re doing it because of who he is and what he adds to your life. And be specific. I do a lot for my boyfriend (we live together so boyfriend totally falls short of what we are to each other) but I let him know all the time it’s because of how he makes me feel, how loving he is, how fun, the great sex, and his wonderful masculine energy that is so intoxicating. I get to enjoy being the woman and he gets to enjoy being the man. So simple and so few today know how to truly enjoy each other.