How Do You Know When He Really Loves You?
August 18, 2010 by Kara Oh
Filed under All About Men
Your primary sense of self is through your relationships–as a mother, a friend, and a wife and lover; his is his success as a man.” Men Made Easy
Everyone has their own best way of expressing and experiencing love. Men are often uncomfortable with strong emotions, partly because they have been conditioned to avoid them. Men can fall pretty hard when they do allow themselves to love, and that often scares them. Some even say they feel they will lose themselves if they love too freely. So, often they keep themselves under control.
Your partner may have a way of expressing love to you which is too subtle for you to notice. Or, maybe it’s in a form that you don’t automatically respond to because it’s not your best way to receive love. Most people give love in the way they would like to receive it. And they way people learn to give and receive love has a lot do to with how they learned it in their families. If you were held a lot but never were told with words that you were loved, then you probably need touching more than the words “I love you.” He’s the same way.
So, in order to better receive his love, when you know your man is feeling particularly comfortable with you, ask him: “When you’re experiencing the strongest feelings of love for me, in what way do you usually express it?”
You may be surprised to find that he’s been expressing his love all along but in ways that you were not equipped to notice. Knowing that it is more difficult for men to express these feelings, and less easy for them to change, learn to receive his love with a newfound openness. As he’s speaking, listen without comment. The quieter you are, the safer he’ll feel expressing himself. Remember that this may be new territory for him. After he’s done talking, don’t comment in any “editorial” way. Let him know you appreciate what he said by snuggling with him.
At another time ask him how he’d most like to receive your love, then ask if he would like to hear your answer to those questions. You’ll both gain new clarity about an often fuzzy subject.
From my heart to yours,
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I would have loved for my soon to be ex-wife to have read even this short introductory article to this subject. She always complained that I never “loved her” or never “cared about her” and I never “showed it with romance”.
I did, boy oh boy did I love her. But she didn’t see it – at least not the way I expressed it.
Now the question is, how do we get our woman to be interested in learning about understanding men, so they would actually ASK these types of questions, and communicate in this way in the first place?
I agree we, as women really need to understand a MAN and it’s a deficiency most of us have. But what if your partner doesn’t communicate well, what do you do? What if he doesn’t like to “explain” the details of anything including his feelings, until it’s an extreme moment of discomfort or anger?
You either accept him as he is, or you leave. If a man’s style is to do it one way, it’s very difficult to convince him to do it a different way. Something that embedded takes lots of work, and even therapy. Most men won’t go there. But a good question to ask yourself is, “Why do I need him to do things differently?” What is it about you that you are needing something different than how he is. Gotta look at both sides of the picture. Stepping into your partner’s shoes helps to soften our hearts and accept what is with more grace.