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Which comes first, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? Does one make the other blossom more fully? The reason I ask is because this weekend my boyfriend told me how sexy I was being. Until he said something I didn’t notice what was going on for me. When I started paying attention I did notice that what I was feeling was more womanly. I was really comfortable with myself (an important part of what I call Feminine Grace) and after spending 2 and a half weeks in Bali together, and even before that spending 3 weeks at his place (one day each week going back to Santa Barbara to check mail, water plants, see my mother and kids) while I worked on redecorating his house, I was also feeling more and more comfortable with him and our “usness”.

For most of the time we have been together he has been uncomfortable with my independence. He’s explained that he’s always been a couple because he has never had kids and never dated any before me that had kids and had a strong sense of family and nurturing. He likes being a couple and having a strong sense of coupleness with any woman he has been with. I have worked hard over the years that I have been single to develop my independence and I’m proud and happy with it. He doesn’t want me to ever give that up, but it hurts him when I am feeling independent (separate, doing “the thing” that I talk about in my therapy sessions). Now, as I’ve been settling into being more of a couple, the way I felt when I was married, I’m even more exciting to him.

So now I get to notice that as I feel more comfortable, I feel more womanly, and as a consequence, at least to my boyfriend, I am more sexy. I’ve also noticed men looking at me differently so maybe it’s showing up all over the place. Men have taught me that they find confident, open, happy women the most attractive. With the help of a lot of work on myself, I’ve become all those things but “the thing” that stand-off-ishness, has definitely gotten in the way of having closer relationships with people of both genders. But I digress, as I’m prone to do.

My questions to you is: Which comes first for you, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? And what does each feel like, what do you do to transmit those feelings to men or your man? How do men respond, etc. Let’s talk about it.

With much love,
Kara