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When researching my book I asked men what they don’t like about women. Complaining frequently toped the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining.

But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. They can’t help themselves. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and feels like a failure.

A complainer isn’t usually asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. Or it’s simply a habit. I know people who have a habit of complaining. That’s their communication style. Ugh! If you’re like me, you can’t get away from that kind of person faast enough.

If you really do need help with something a better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” (state the problem, succinctly.) Then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, and blaming is guaranteed to shut him down. And the great thing about doing this is YOU GIVE HIM AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE YOUR HERO. Men love that.

If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me that the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, he’s failed at his primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed. He is drawn to make you happy. If you complain a lot, you are saying with each complaint, “I’m not happy.” He feels like a failure and after a while, he’ll need to leave or “become” a failure. Who wants a man who feels like he’s a failure? And what man want’s to endure that. The man who stays with that kind of a woman is a wuss. And we call him Pussy Whipped. Ugh. Bad, bad, bad all around.

Too many women expect the man to be the source of their happiness. That’s too big a burden on anyone. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. When you take charge of making yourself happy, he feels successful, even though he may have absolutely nothing to do with it. When you’re happy you’re much more appealing to him, he feels like he’s successful as your partner, and his heart opens up to you. This is a case of win/win if there ever was one.

Another reason not to complain is because it’s unattractive. When I find myself complaining I feel downright ugly. Feminine Grace is about doing everything with grace, having control over our actions, taking responsibility for how we behave, and the impact our words and actions have on others. That’s when you’re most beautiful. Complaining is ugly, appreciation is beautiful. Which would he prefer? Which would YOU prefer to be? It really is your choice. The only way change occurs–at least if we want some say in those changes–is to choose to do things differently.