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A woman wrote today with this question:
Dear Kara,

I have been married now for two years and in the process of divorcing a man that really did not quite love me. He did not even like the way I talked or laughed. Well I went ahead and married him anyway simply because he was looking for someone to cook him meals, look after his children and iron his shirts etc. and I was lonely and had not had a relationship for years. Basically I have been a glorified maid. For the past 10 months we have been working in different cities so I got to really like this other guy that I worked with. He was friendly and at times he would ask me for lunch and confide in me about some very personal stuff - his former girlfriends, current women he was interested in, his family etc. i got really close to him. my relationship with my husband in the meanwhile was going down the drain and we were hardly talking. Two months ago before i relocated home I told this guy that I had really grown to like him and that my marriage is not working - i got a bit emotional about the troubles in my marriage and ended up crying (ok I feel really stupid now). Well he clamped up and said he was extremely flattered but he didn’t know what to say and that he had a girlfriend, that i was married and that i should sort out my life.

I left and came back home to try and sort out my marriage but its not working and my husband and I have agreed to separate and get a divorce. I have been communicating with this guy via the occasional email just to say how are things etc. I still miss him though and like him a lot. What do you think that I should do now that my marriage is over? Should i let him out of my system or consider him eligible? Somehow i cant shake the feeling that he really liked me too but i blew it by telling breaking down in front of him and telling him how i felt. I want to start a new life and start dating but somehow this guy is still in my system.

What should I do?
J.M.

My response to her:
Dear J.M.

This other man gave you a clear message that he is not interested in you as a girlfriend. Be thankful for that because you can get on with your life. Don’t jump into a relationship too quickly. You need to fall in love with yourself and you can’t do that if you are falling in love with a man. You need to be your first priority. You need to regain your self confidence because admitting that you were a glorified maid is not easy to digest. Realize that you are worthy of much more and that you will be self loving enough not to lower yourself to be acceptable to the first man to come along. Rise and shine and you will attract a terrific man. Then you will not be judging your self worth by whether or not you have a man in your life.

I wish you much wisdom, great insight and a happy new life.

With much love,
Kara