What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?
Sometimes, when we get angry, our words simply pour out. We don’t think about what they mean and what impact they will have. When we get to that state we’re so deep into our feelings that we feel like we’re being swallowed up by them. People write to Ms. Magic (that’s me!) and after explaining some blow-up they had with their partner, exclaim, “I couldn’t help myself.” My response to that kind of comment is always, “Yes, you could have.”
When we are extremely angry, it feels like we can’t control ourselves. But if we get angry at work, or the phone or door bell rings in the middle of an argument, most of us do control ourselves. The biggest problem with anger is we say things that we regret later. And the other person shuts down and doesn’t hear what we are trying to communicate. It’s a no win situation no matter how you look at it. Plus, it is counter to using the power of your Feminine Grace because it is really ugly.
One of the things we often do when in the heat of an argument is say things like, “You never take me anywhere,” or “You always insult me in front of your sister.” Using the words always and never discount the times that he did take you out and the times with his sister that he did not insult you. Those words also cause your partner to put up defensive walls. Then he’s too busy defending himself and planning his comeback to be able to hear what is really going on for you.
