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Here’s a question I got today:

Dear Kara,

I am in the middle of a situation with my fiance. He wants to have a threesome and I know that this would satisfy him and bring him a lot of pleasure. However he knows the woman he wants to be with us and I’m leary of the relationship. He says that it’s all just sex and he wants to be with the two women who have satisfied him sexually. Now am I wrong to feel like I am really not satisfying him fully or is it just a fun thing that men go through?

Please respond,

Thanks and please keep my name private…

And my response:

Hi,

I have talked to a lot of couples who have dabbled with threesomes and open marriages and the bottom line of my research is that it gets in the middle of the relationship and erodes the trust, love, respect, and friendship that is so necessary for a long-term relationship to last. Most of them said it caused them to break-up. The goal needs to be to do whatever will deepen love, not dissipate it. Othwerwise, why be in a relationship, especially if you are planning to get married? Bringing someone new into the bed is not going to deepen love. If the woman is single and available, you are both looking for trouble. If she is an ex girlfriend or lover, that’s really dangerous.

Years ago, in the 70’s, my ex-husband and I hung out with a couple our age who also had kids. We made out in their presence, as did they in ours, and that was enough to cause my husband to go to her secretly. He just couldn’t get her off of his mind. I did not find out about it until over 20 years later, but it shows what can happen. Fortunately, they only got together once or they might have started a relationship that could have broken us up way back then when our kids were little.

You should never have to feel obligated to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. He should have gotten his desire for a threesome out of his system when he was a young carefree bachelor. I’m sorry you are being asked to do this. It puts you in a very difficult position.

Here is an article I wrote for my AliveWithLove.com site. It might help:
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It’s amazing how often people, mostly men, ask me what I think of threesomes. I have talked to a lot of people who have tried it, and have read and heard a lot of professionals give advice on the subject, and it seems that, overall, it’s not a good idea.

There are a variety of problems that arise when a couple moves into this arena. One that happens more often than you might think is the two women (generally a threesome is with two women and one man) become attracted to each other and the man, who frequently instigates the get-together, gets jealous.

Another problem is the breakdown of the special intimacy that had developed before the third party disrupted it. And finally, the fact that you need to go to that kind of extreme to lend variety to the relationship is a red flag that there are other problems to look at.

Many I have talked to and read about say the threesome broke up their marriage. Probably, things were going bad already, and this just moved the process along.
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I hope this helps you with your decision. Most important is that you follow your heart and don’t do anything you don’t want to do or that you know you will regret.

With much love,
Kara