I got this email this morning from a woman seeking advice. Below is my advice to her and any other woman who is ruining a perfectly good relationship because she’s focusing on the wrong thing:
Hi Kara,
I was wondering if you could help me, i love my boyfriend but he is not the romantic man i want, i really want to enjoy every bit of our relationship, i love surprises and all these sweet little things but it seems like its all faraway from him. He is an alright person he loves me and he loves and cares about my family but i really want him to be romantic! Help me spice my relationship
Thanx, Chloe
Dear Chloe,
Some men just aren’t going to offer the kind of romance you have in mind. It’s unfair to put that on him if he’s a loving, respectful, supportive, good man. If you complain you’re telling him that he’s not okay the way he is, that he’s a failure at making you happy, that what he does do isn’t enough, etc. All this is emasculating and that’s the very worst thing a woman can do to a man. If everything else is good about him then you will probably blow it and chase him away.
The best way to get him to do something for you is say, "It would make me really happy if you would… buy me flowers once in a while. It would make me feel really special and loved." Then let it go. If he doesn’t remember, LET IT GO!
If he just isn’t going to do the things you have decided are romantic then you need to find something about him that IS romantic. Does he tell you he loves you? Does he walk up to you and share a hug or a kiss? Does he cuddle with you? Does he hold your hand when you’re at the movies? Does he buy you dinner? These are all romantic gestures. Focus on the things he DOES do, not what he doesn’t.
Don’t throw away a good man simply because you’ve got a fantasy about what romantic is. Open your heart and see things from his perspective instead of just yours. Be compassionate. He was brought up to "be a man" which means don’t do sissy things. Mushy, romantic stuff is generally sissy stuff. Why in the world would he be expected to turn that on when he meets a woman when his entire life has probably been to teach him to turn that part of himself off. Give him a break.
When he does do something that you feel is romantic then appreciate the heck out of him. Tell him how much you appreciate what he did, how feminine it makes you feel, how taken care of, how much his thoughtfulness means to you. And get sexy if that’s part of your relationship. That will get his attention. If you’re not at that stage then a sexy kiss will do. He’ll begin to get the point. It’s a subtle way to train a man. He wants to please you, make you happy, and get more sexy action from you so he’ll do those things that work.
I hope that helps calm you and maybe get you a little bit of romance. But remember, he’s already being romantic, just not in the way you’ve fantasized. Find that romance and start to enjoy it. Then appreciate him for what he does do and he’ll probably do more of it.
I wish you much love,
Kara
The Heart Specialist™
