If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
Here’s a question that came in yesterday:
Hi Kara! I’m at a fork in the road and don’t know which way to turn. There are times when my boyfriend is the sweetest, most considerate and funniest man in the world. It’s like I’m hanging out with my best friend. But there are other times when his insecurities come out and he flips out. He yells and says horrible things that he doesn’t remember. He is really heartless and self-centered when this hits. I feel like he has 2 personalities. It’s really impacted our relationship. To the point where I don’t know if I should try to make it work, or run.
My response:
When you are just boyfriend/girlfriend it is the time to “test the waters.” Are you looking for something long term? I am assuming the answer is yes or you wouldn’t be tolerating his behavior. Your job is to determine whether or not the person you’re involved with is someone you would like as a long-term partner. If marriage is what you want, is this the person you want to be the father of your children? I would hope not. He is showing his best side right now. As you settle in, it will get worse, this can almost 100% be guaranteed. I would say you should get out now before it escalates into something much more serious and very likely dangerous. You need to be with someone who you can count on to be consistent. If he doesn’t remember that he does these things, I suspect it is while under the influence of a drug or alcohol, another reason to GET OUT NOW!
When you break the news to him, do so with a brother or other male you can count on to protect you. This man will most likely go crazy and you don’t want to be alone with him. Get help!!!
With much concern,
Kara
July 7th, 2006 at 2:09 am
Karah, I agree with you. This lady needs to run not walk from this ticking time bomb. Yikes! He sounds like a nightmare. My motto is,”Honey, I can do bad all by myself.” What she will discover is that the worst part about this situation is the part where he is gone and it is OVAH and she has to forgive herself for staying with such a jerk as long as she did. DON”T WASTE THE PRETTY!!That has always been my biggest challenge. Forgiving myself for tolerating crappy behavoir from fools. Ive learned my lessons. No more getting “the dumb look” on my face when a someone show’s their ***. Our job as women ,is to “beleive it” when a man shows his ***. Don’t analize it,or tyr to wish it away. It’s there to stay and it will only get worse. Trust that.
August 8th, 2006 at 11:02 am
I’m a couple’s therapist, and (obviously) a man, so I’ll put it bluntly: this boyfriend is one sick puppy. Gently-and I do mean gently-tell him that you need to be alone for awhile, to work on your own life (men like this have a hard time taking rejection, and they’ll stalk you for months). Don’t be too truthful: don’t make it about him or he’ll get angry. And don’t make the mistake that therapy will help. By all means take him with you to a couples therapist (take him to male therapist because he most likely hates women), but it should only take 2-3 sessions to find out if he’ll really be willing to change his behavior. Let the therapist tell him he blew it with you. These kind of men rarely change, and the only way to help him is to make him experience the loss of people he really loves. Leave him tactfully and maybe he’ll be a better person with someone else, but don’t hang around with the fantasy that he’ll change.