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My boyfriend, Chris, has taken me to ski in Utah over the long weekend. Tonight he took me to La Caille, an absolutely amazing restaurant. All the waitresses wear very low cut long dresses. One of the servers was an attractive blond but she had on black mascara, heavy black liner, and probably dark gray shadow. She also had a set to her jaw and a kind of energy that said she likes “bad boys.” Chris couldn’t see it. Then he realized that he doesn’t pay that kind of woman much attention because he instinctively knows he’d be rejected because he isn’t her type. He didn’t know that she was advertising for a bad boy. He’s not a bad boy so he just knew he would ger rejected if he approached her or a woman like her.

I told him that all woman who enjoy attracting men are like billboards. Our selection of wardrobe, hair, and makeup are all advertising for our kind of man. My question to you is, are you advertising for the kind of man you are really wanting to be with? If you are still in the exploratory stage and not ready to settle down, then why not try them all. But if you are clear about what you are looking, be sure that your billboard says what you want it to say.

With much love,
Kara

I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his friend recently. We went into the restaurant and there was a totally hot young woman in EVERY way. As is the norm when men are with a woman, I started to follow her with them behind me. But the view of her tush was so good I thought the guys should get the best view so I stepped behind them. She seated us and her hair and face were perfection and then she tugged on her jacket and her breasts perked up and said, “Hi!” We were all very impressed. There was one thing that both men agreed on though. Because she had on that high contrast lip liner (dark brown with lighter red inside) they said they would be embarrassed to be seen with her. EMBARRASSED! That’s pretty strong, especially because she was soooo attractive. So ladies, you might rethink your lip liner choice. It should be just a smidge darker, with the lighter lipstick on the inside. Actually, every make-up artist I have seen says to blend the liner with the lipstick so that there is no line. Some say to cover the lip with liner then apply your lipstick. My favorite and what I’ve found to be most attractive on my lips is to do what Reggie, Oprah’s make-up man advists. Take a slightly darker lipstick (not liner) and apply it on the outside edges of your lips. Then put a lighter lipstick on the inner part of your lips. There is no line, the colors blend, you can do it without looking if you’re good at staying in the line, and it makes your lips look fuller and more voluptuous.

So, rather than look strange and like someone a guy would be embarrassed to be seen with, why not look sexy and voluptious? You choose.

With much love,
Kara

There’s a man I’ve been seeing at the gym for months. We have sort of smiled on occasion but nothing more. I thought I saw him at Starbucks so today, when I was at the gym and he was right next to me, I asked him if I’d seen him at the coffee shop. It wasn’t but we ended up in the nicest conversation. Here’s a line that doesn’t have to be true: “Did I see you at Starbucks on Tuesday morning?” “No, it wasn’t me.” “Well, then, there’s someone out there that looks a lot like you.” What comes next is up to you.

Then Tuesday evening an older, grumpy looking man and I were the last two left at the car wash. While we waited for the washers to finish I noticed the full moon just next to the Nordstrom tower. I asked if he’d seen it yet. It turned out he wasn’t grumpy at all and we shared a really nice conversation.

My point is that even when someone seems shut off, grumpy, or uninterested in those around them, almost always it takes very little to get a conversation started. Without a conversation, no one is going to be asking for or giving a phone number. Remember, meeting someone is a numbers game. The more people you talk to the greater your odds of finding someone. So, even though it might feel scary to start a conversation with a stranger, almost always, once you do, you’re both glad you did.

With much love and encouragement,
Kara

When I was having lunch with my friend yesterday he also mentioned one of the slippery slopes of online dating services. He said that even when you meet someone really interesting, there’s always that temptation when you get back home, no matter how great the date was, to check to see if someone even better might have just joined. He said it’s a trap that is way too easy to fall into and it keeps you from trying harder to get to know someone you’ve been out with.

If you find yourself doing this you might want to avoid that temptation (if you can) and just focus on one at a time. I’ve noticed that my girlfriend in Los Angeles does the same thing and when I tried online dating I admit I did it too. So how can we avoid missing an opportunity to get to know someone without the distraction of what’s “next” in line. Any suggestions?

I’ll think about this and write a post again this week.

Hugs for now,
Kara

I had lunch yesterday with a male friend who is looking for a life partner. He’s 63, attractive in a quirky way, has tons of money and wants a woman who is available to travel and play. He doesn’t want a professional woman who is tied to her job but he also wants a woman somewhere between 35 and 55. She doesn’t have to have lots of money but he’d like her to be financially secure so he doesn’t have to wonder if she is with him simply because he has money. But he can’t find anyone. He says most women have so much baggage from being hurt by previous men that they aren’t able to see past the hurt and just “be” with a new man.

One of the things I’ve noticed in the workshops I’ve done is that way too many women who go through divorce or big break-ups don’t use those experiences as opportunities to grow but instead just hunker down and put their energy into not being hurt and licking their wounds.

My friend described this kind of woman as someone who isn’t open to being playful, fun, interesting, interested or discovering who he is as a person. He said it’s like their energy is weak and uninviting. When he doesn’t want to spend more time with this kind of woman, this only compounds what she already believes about men, herself, and life. So the pool of possibilities gets smaller and smaller.

To compound the problem, as we get older we get more clear about what we want and don’t want, which also narrows the field. I’m thinking of doing weekly workshops that would be open to both men and women, no reservations required, in the Los Angeles area. Is there any interest out there? Each week would include a talk on a dating topic and then a mixer afterward, where singles could mingle. Let me know if there are enough of you in the Los Angeles area to create what could be something really fun. Once I get this going I would like to do the same thing in Santa Barbara because I live half time in both cities.

With much love and best wishes for 2007,
Kara

It’s 5:30 p.m. and I’m sitting in the United terminal at LAX. Generally, this is not a bad thing because it means I’m going somewhere. But I’ve been in this airport since 10:30 a.m. Chris, my partner, is taking me to Aspen as a Christmas gift. Our flight was cancelled due to snow. That’s a good thing because it’s snowing, apparently dumping a lot of the fluffy white stuff all over the mountains. It’s a bad thing because we’re not there to enjoy it. If I focused on the fact that this is my Christmas gift, I could get pretty upset. But that’s not my style. Whenever there is nothing to be gained by being upset, which is most of the time, I do what I can to create a playful way of dealing with things. The reason I’m writing about this is to talk about gifts.

Do you have expectations?
You do? Oh dear, that’s not good. Don’t you know that expectations are a recipe for disappointment? I had expectations that we’d be in Aspen this evening, skiing the next day. Instead, we’re staying in an airport hotel by the Denver airport. I’d be really bummed if I’d held on to those expectations. Plus, I could have had expectations about what I thought he should give me. It’s easy for him to take me on trips and to tell me beforehand. He even tells me what he’s going to buy me. Last year it was a ski trip to Utah, a one piece ski outfit and boots. He told me to go pick something out and then he’d come with me to see what I’d selected. Then he sat with me as I selected boots. It’s not a surprise but what an amazingly generous gift. No, it’s not jewelry, but he gets to feel good about giving me something really nice, and I get to be taken care of. Why not enjoy every ounce of it? He’s happy and so am I.

Now let’s talk about you.
Are you okay with his gift selections and when he gives you something unexpected, do you appreciate the heck out of him? Or is there something specific you want him to give you? Are you disappointed when he gives you something different than you’d hoped for? If you didn’t give him clear details about what you wanted, you have absolutely no permission to complain. If you think he “ought to know”, he’s probably in trouble a lot because that kind of thinking slides over into other aspects of your relationship. If you dropped hints, you can’t blame him if he missed them. Men don’t do that well with subtlety. Sometimes they get it, but mostly not. Just get used to it.

Men are afraid of the whole gift giving thing.
More often than not, according to the men I have polled, they’re generally scared. They hate that you have expectations, that they don’t know what those expectations are, and scared that they may have missed some hint and that you’ll be yelling at them as soon as the wrapping paper has hit the floor. Give it up, girls. It’s unfair to him and think about it, it’s really unfair to you. You’re missing out on the sweetness of simply enjoying his effort to please you. Can’t you just relax and enjoy that?

Here are a few options: Give him a thrill by telling him that you like to be surprised, but that you know he’s worried about what to give you. Offer him a list of several items and tell him to pick one. That way you’ll be surprised because you won’t know what he picked. He’ll get to be let off the hook, get to feel like he’s taking care of his woman, and you get what you want. Don’t do the hint thing unless you do it exactly like this: Honey, (grab his face) honey, look at me. This is a hint. For Christmas, I’d like ________ (fill in the blank.) He’ll be relieved that he’s going to get you exactly what you want. Tell him where to get it and where it is in the store, if you know. I prefer the list thing, myself. Or, if you want to be completely surprised, tell him so and tell him that you’ll be thrilled with whatever he gives you. You may have to fake it, but if you want future gifts, remember, he needs to feel successful, and he needs to feel like a man. You are the one who can give him both of those things by appreciating his efforts. It’s as simple as that.

It’s now morning and the Aspen airport is open. We’ve had a lot of laughs. Made the whole thing into an adventure, including staying at the Holiday Inn without our bags, and tomorrow, we ski our fannies off.

With much love, happy holidays!
Kara

A woman wrote to me yesterday worried that she might have blown it. She had left an emotional message (with tears) and an email, all asking what his intentions were. How many of us have left that embarrassing message, wishing we could take it back? I know I have. When she did talk to him, the man said that she made him nervous. Men never do well with a lot of emotional craziness but when it’s just the first few dates, usually, he’s outa there. As most men will say, “Who needs that?” Indeed, who does need that?

Ladies, ya gotta quit doing the crazy thing. Save that for your girlfriends. A man wants to know that the woman he’s getting to know is stable. That’s one of the things he’s trying to figure out. That’s what dating is all about, by the way, trying to find out if this is a potential match. Too often, a woman meets a man, finds him attractive, then way before she ought to, starts trying to move it along to the “next level.” The next level shouldn’t even be a consideration until you’re absolutely clear about his integrity, his relationship with friends and family, his respect for you, your respect for him, his financial stability, etc. Dating is a time of learning, not a time of forcing it to happen, unless you’re only looking for a roll in the hay. And if that’s the case, then there’s no next stage, other than “will he be okay when I bring out the BIG TOYS.”

With much love,
Kara

A woman wrote this morning asking about online dating. Here’s what I told her:

I have friends who are dating, engaged, and married to men they met online so it does work. But you must be very cautious. No one can fall in love over the internet. It may feel like love, but it is just warm fuzzies caused by someone seeming to be into you and saying all the right things. Usually, if it’s too good to be true, it is. Always hold back until you get to know someone, his friends, and family, where he works.

Go ahead and be intrigued, but no more than that. There are many men who have learned how to play this game and they do it really well. Here are some things to watch out for:
1. He says he’s falling in love with you. (He might be sincere, but usually not.)
2. He can’t call during home hours. (Because the wife is there.)
3. You can’t call him at his home. (That wife thing again.)
3. He has a sob story that breaks your heart. (This is the oldest trick in the book.)
4. He needs to borrow some money. (Many men are looking to part women from their money.)
5. He’s married but he’s getting a divorce. (Don’t ever get involved with this problem-online or off.)
6. His wife treats him horribly. (Don’t ever, ever get involved with a married man…period.)
7. He says all the romantic things you’ve dreamed of hearing. (He’s learned what works.)

I don’t mean to be a cynic but you just need to be very cautious. How do I know? I married one of these guys. He was a pathological liar. I met his sister, brother-in-law, grown daughter and none of them told me how bad he was because I was so nice and they assumed he’d changed. It cost me a good $50,000 to get out of that one.

There are three main categories:
The first category of men are just dabbling and getting their kicks from getting a woman to fall for them and never intend to do anything about it. The second category are those who are trying to get at a woman’s money. There are a lot of women who have been successful and now divorced. Be very careful. The third category are those who would do you physical harm. All of these require that you have a strong intuition and that you don’t ignore it. I ignored mine and it got me into trouble. I wouldn’t want the same thing to happen to you.

There is another category and that is child molesters. But that’s a different, sickening conversation.

With much love,
Kara

When I interviewed men for my book, a standard question I asked was, “What Don’t you like about women?” A complaint that came up a lot is that so many women blame the new man for what the previous man did, or what the ex from years ago did.

Let’s look at this. You’re on a date so it is a fair assumption that you are looking for a man with whom to share some aspect(s) of your life. Maybe you don’t want to get married, but you’d like to have a companion with whom you can enjoy movies, dinners, occasional sex, and maybe a vacation once in a while. No matter what you’re looking for, what man in his right mind, would want to have anything to do with a woman who is angry at men or who wants to blame him for something some other man did.

I get complaints from women all the time that they can’t figure out why a man simply doesn’t call ever again. There are lots of reasons but maybe it’s because you’re one of those angry women. You’re not sure? Ask a male friend, or a brother. They’ll know because this stuff can’t be hidden for long.

If you really are looking for a man to share your life with, you need to let go of the anger towards men. Sure, there are a lot of horrible men out there who do really bad things, some are jerks, rude, obnoxious, and some are simply clueless. But if you want a man to be open to getting to know you better, you had better quit making all men guilty even before they’ve had a chance to show you who they are.

If you can see that you are one of those angry women, and you’d like to turn your love life around, you might want to read my chapter on Feminine Grace. It might help. Just go to http://www.AliveWithLove.com/beauty/feminine.html . We each need to take responsibility for our actions and how we treat people. This chapter could make a difference for a variety of reasons. it’s free so take a look.

With much love,
Kara

Many women complain that their man doesn’t say sweet, thoughtful, romantic things to them. But be careful of the man who has no difficulty saying “just the right things” but doesn’t treat you well.

In my book about men I talk about how you should pay more attention to a man’s actions than his words. Regardless of what nice words he says to you, or not, pay attention to how respectful he is, what he does for you, if he buys you gifts once in a while (and it’s not the dollar amount that matters, it’s that he’s being thoughtful), and even how he treats your family and friends.

A good man is someone you can be proud of when you are out with him. He likes doing things to make you happy. When I get emails from women asking “does he love me?” I always ask them what he’s “doing” to show his love. One of the secrets is “Men show love through action.” If he’s not doing anything for you, then he might not really love you, UNLESS… you’re one of those women who does so much for him that he’s gotten lazy. Then you don’t know what he’s capable of. If you’ve been spoiling him you can’t just stop cold-turkey. But you can back off a little bit at a time, then start coming up with opportunities to let him be your hero. If he doesn’t rise to the occasion maybe he’s just comfy and it’s easier to stay with you than it is to go through the work of finding someone new.

Take a hard look at your relationship and be honoest with yourself. You have much more control over the condition of your relationship than you might think. Don’t let The Settling get a foothold because it’s a path that leads to heartache and disappointment.

If you’re dating and looking for that great guy, notice on the first date how he treats you. You want someone who’s a gentleman. Let him open your door, help you with your coat. Let him be your hero and he’ll feel great about being a man. Keep letting him do nice things for you, thene appreciate the hell out of him. You’ll enjoy being a woman and he’ll enjoy being a man. He’ll think you’re the most amazing woman he’s ever met. See, I’ve been telling you men are easy.

With much love,
Kara