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I read today that romance is the reason relationships are floundering so badly. I agree that romance sets up unreasonable expectations. So it’s actually not the romance but the expectations that are the curse.

I believe that expectations are a pathway to disappointment. I think romance can be sustained if a couple is able to communicate what they enjoy their partner doing for them, then being extremely appreciative. I hear so many women say, "He ought to know what I like." That’s unfair and downright mean to make him bad and wrong for not being able to read your mind. And men tend to focus on the more practical things. In a loving relationship, he wants you to tell him what he can do to make you happy.

If a couple stays respectful, compassionate, kind, loving, and passionate, they will automatically enjoy making their partner happy. But the moment a woman begins to make demands or demeans her partner, he is very quickly going to pull away in order to protect himself. If a man is disrespectful and takes his woman’s thoughtful deeds for granted, she is going to become resentful.

Once the out-of-control heat of passion dies down, a couple has to have moved to a deeper love to care enough to be romantic. And being romantic is actually just wanting to do things for our partner that makes them  happy and feel loved. As long as you enjoy putting a smile on your partner’s face, you’ll be one of those special couples who still enjoys romance, no matter how long you’ve been together.

With much love,
Kara

I was at Trader Joes yesterday and began to notice how sour many of the women looked. Their mouths literally turned down. As I became more aware of what I was noticing I decided to look and see if they were married or single. Strangely every woman with a sour face was single. Now I have no idea if these women would like to be married. Maybe they love being single and independent, maybe they’re lesbians. The following comments are irrelevant if these women would prefer to be recluses and don’t want friends or lovers. Maybe they’ve learned that frowning is the very best way to keep people at arm’s length.

It’s funny but the woman who walked in with me, got me started on this train of noticing, who had the worst frown of all, is the same woman who was in the check-out line right in front of me. I caught her eye and gave her a big smile. I thought her face was going to break but she was able to get her face to smile. But I kept watching her and, like a rubber band, it snapped right back to the frown, which was obviously her natural state because of how severe the downward turn of her mouth was. I don’t think I could even force my mouth into such a shape.

So here’s the rub. If sourpusses want friends, this is no way to attract them. Those sour faces are as good as mace. If they’re looking for lovers, of either gender, it’s having the same affect…repellent.

I can’t help it if I’m always looking for what’s going on in the arena of love and romance. I do know there’s more to think about than that. So what about this: This planet could use more love, all around. That’s probably an overwhelming task for most of us. So what if you just decide to impact your own sphere. Let’s say that as you move about at work, in stores, at church, meetings, etc. you’re able to have an effect (I sure hope I got the affect/effect thing right) on say a 30 foot range in front of you. I chose 30 feet because that’s probably the farthest distance from which people will really notice you.

So if you’re able to share that sour face with everyone that comes within 30 feet of you, all day, every day, think of how many people you can make feel bad, or want to avoid your negative energy.

Turn that around and imagine the impact you can have if you carry a happy face around. What if you take that to the next step and speak to people in a playful way, say complimentary things to them, tease them, make them smile and laugh. If you do that throughout the day, some of those people will pass it along and become playful with others with whom they interact. You could make hundreds of people feel better and smile more just because you shared your happiness with them.

Maybe it’s not being a Mother Theresa, but if we all did that, all day, every day, everywhere we went, do you think the planet might be a better place for us all?

And back to the romance thing. How attractive is a sour person compared to a happy person? A man is walking through Trader Joe’s. There’s a great looking sour woman and a pretty good looking happy woman. Which one is he most likely to want to get to know? And when a woman is in that same store, is the sour ma going to cause her heart to flutter or the man who smiles aat her? You decide.

I wish you much love and happiness,
Kara Oh

What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?

Sometimes, when we get angry, our words simply pour out. We don’t think about what they mean and what impact they will have. When we get to that state we’re so deep into our feelings that we feel like we’re being swallowed up by them. People write to Ms. Magic (that’s me!) and after explaining some blow-up they had with their partner, exclaim, “I couldn’t help myself.” My response to that kind of comment is always, “Yes, you could have.”

When we are extremely angry, it feels like we can’t control ourselves. But if we get angry at work, or the phone or door bell rings in the middle of an argument, most of us do control ourselves. The biggest problem with anger is we say things that we regret later. And the other person shuts down and doesn’t hear what we are trying to communicate. It’s a no win situation no matter how you look at it. Plus, it is counter to using the power of your Feminine Grace because it is really ugly.

One of the things we often do when in the heat of an argument is say things like, “You never take me anywhere,” or “You always insult me in front of your sister.” Using the words always and never discount the times that he did take you out and the times with his sister that he did not insult you. Those words also cause your partner to put up defensive walls. Then he’s too busy defending himself and planning his comeback to be able to hear what is really going on for you.

I’ve been talking to professional Matchmakers and I’m learning a lot. If you’re dating here are just some of the things you need to know because you might be doing some of these things without realizing it…and wondering why there’s no interest in another date:

a. Women approach dating the same way they do work, set the goal then conquer it. Men tell them that when they go on a first date with some women they feel like they’re on a job interview. I recommend you relax and just see what happens. At the very least, you’ll meet someone new. And leave that power suit at home. Dress like you enjoy being a woman.

b. Men are too picky about how they need a woman’s body to be. Gentlemen, you’re getting way too hung up on breast size. I recommend you get a movie with Camoran Diaz, or Niomi Cambell, Kate Hudson and her mom, Goldie Hahn, Wanona Ryder, Debra Messing or Holly Hunter. One of those must be attractive to you. See, they don’t have to have big ones. If you’re too focused on breast size you’re narrowing the playing field more than you should and maybe missing out on a very juicy lady who meets all your other criteria.

c. Women push too hard to have sex. This may seem like the opposite of the stereotype but it’s one of the things men are complaining about. Maybe they’re just needing to get laid, or maybe they think that’s what a man wants. But a man who has plunked down several thousand dollars is looking for someone to settle down with. He needs to respect the woman he chooses. Yes, I know, there’s a double standard, but he assumes that if you’re too quick to hop into bed with him, that’s what you do with all men. Plus, he want’s to get to know you first. What a concept.

d. Women don’t wear make-up on their dates. This one really surprised me. I had no idea this was going on. But what they tell the Matchmakers is that “he should appreciate the real me.” It’s the same thing women who are overweight say. It’s not that men like makeup, it’s that you cared enough to make the effort. I know for me, Chris says I don’t need make-up. And there’s some truth to that, as far as he’s concerned. But if that’s completely true, why does he perk up with lots of compliments about how great I look when I spiff up to go out with him. Ladies, too much make-up is bad but no make-up is worse.

there’s lots more to share with you, which is why I’m designing the Dating seminars that you can attend (via telephone conference) beginning in September. To get on my mailing list and learn more sign up for my newsletter to the left. You’ll be the first to know.

With much love,
Kara

You know that I’m always harping on being beautiful, that that is the best way to get men to respond positively to you. And you know, especially if you’ve read Men Made Easy, that to get a man to love you and stay in love is not so much how beautiful you are physically but whether or not you treat him and behave in a beautiful way. Well, a phenomenon that I’ve noticed is that when I have one little, tiny, itsy, bitsy thing cause me to get a little bit off center, then the next thing, which could be just as insignificant, causes me to react more strongly than if that first thing hadn’t pushed my buttons. Does that happen to you? Once that gets started then everything seems to upset me. I call this the Doo-Doo Magnet Syndrome. It’s like you become a magnet for doo-doo once you are even a little bit off center. I’m mentioning this because it plays into the pit bull thing. When this gets going, if I want it to stop, I switch over to thinking of my many blessings, all that I’m grateful for. It always disconnects the doo-doo magnet and makes me feel a whole lot better. Try it the next time the doo-doo starts piling up. You’ll be much more beautiful.

Do you get an idea into your head about something that’s bothering you and then can’t let go of it? I do this to myself sometimes. I get going on something and it becomes all I think about. Usually it’s some kind of fear or concern about what might be, and it’s generally not grounded in anything real. It’s funny, well, not really, that we seem to do this with negative thoughts and not positive thoughts. At least I do.

I just found this from a 2002 newsletter and thought it would be fun to share it with you:

No woman should ever change herself just to get a man to want her. She should never change for the sake of change, rather she should “improve” herself to become her best, most magnificent self because she loves herself, feels she’s worthy of all the best that life has to offer. Any efforts to improve herself for a man should be because she respects the man totally and completely and want’s to rise to a higher level to meet him. Self-improvement should be a lifelong path toward greater levels of happiness and spiritual joy. By spiritual I mean appreciating the gift of life and all that exists in the universe.

I hope that all makes sense. If you ever need to go inside and do some serious soul-searching for the answers that are already inside of you, you can talk with your Inner Wise Woman. I have instructions for a special process in the Wise You section. ( http://www.AliveWithLove.com/wise/wise.html) It’s a really powerful process that can be used for just about any issue you’re struggling with. You have all the right answers within you, it’s just a matter of knowing how to access them.

Last night I went to a launch party for a new magazine in which I have a column. It’s called Scene & Heard In Santa Barbara. It’s a beautiful magazine and I hope they will have mountains of success. Gloria, the spirit behind the magazine, asked for Cocktail Attire on her invitation. I was shocked by how many ignored her wishes and I talked to several people who thought it was downright rude. But what I really wanted to comment on is all the collagen lips. Oh…My…Gawd!!! Everywhere I looked were women who looked like they’d been stung by bees. Not only were their lips obviously enlarged, they were uneven so that it looked like 3 or 4 bees had done a number on them.

As I always seem to do, I began to poll men. They all were adamant that it was really gross. Maybe women are doing it for other woman but I think it’s gross too. I teach Feminine Grace. Purposeful disfigurement and grace don’t go together. Be as natural as possible and you’ll always be your most beautiful self. There are lots of products you can use to enhance your beauty and forestall aging that are not dangerous or disfiguring.

I beg you, please don’t disfigure yourself in an effort to look more attractive or more youthful. If you want bigger lips there are some great products that allow you to control what is happening to your face. I use Physicians Complex Lip Enhancer. I’ve always had very full lips, and they still are, but a while back I noticed that I was beginning to get that line just inside the lip line. I recognized it as how older women’s lips look. Yikes! I’m an older woman. The plumper I use works so well that sometimes it makes my top lip too full. There are others that are probably cheaper but I haven’t used them. Please, no more disfiguring in the named of beauty.

A woman sent me an email explaining that she didn’t trust men and that she didn’t like that about herself. I don’t blame her. I think that would feel just awful and certainly would keep her from enjoying a healthy, loving relationship. The following is my advice to her. If you find yourself feeling like you don’t trust men, maybe my advice will help you:

Hi Cindy,

My intuition tells me that it’s more about trusting yourself. You need to learn to tap into your Inner Wise Woman, to hear your inner voice, which is your intuition. You need to learn to pay attention when your intuition is telling you to beware. If you ignore it, you get yourself into situations that you could have, should have, avoided if you had been listening. Some call them red flags. Most men are basically good and decent. But if you go for the bad boys, or are not that selective in who you date, you will get yourself into situations where a man can take advantage of your gullibility and naivete’. If this does not describe your behavior and you have no discernible reason to not trust men, then you probably need to do some therapy where you dig beneath the surface and sort out what happened in your childhood with your father, an uncle, a brother, a teacher, or some man you looked up to who did something to you to cause you not to trust men. If this is a possibility, pick a therapist with whome you feel really, really comfortable and know that it might take some time. If they do not offer anything that will help you heal and strengthen, only the discoveries, then you need to find someone who will. There is much that can be done with the right person.

I wish you much love,
Kara

I haven’t blogged lately for whatever reason. Just really involved in my other writing. But this morning I got a reaction from a woman who had signed up for my What Men Won’t Tell You…But I Will series of emails. I’d love your opinion as to whether it sounds like I tell women they need to sleep with a man to keep him.

She said: “Don´t cheat woman with that lie, that they most go to sleep with a man to keep him!!!!!!!!”

My response to her is here and the original message that she was responding to is below that:
Dear C.,

I have never, ever told women, in my books, articles, workshops, seminars or speeches that they should sleep with a man to keep him. On the contrary, I think women should wait until they’re certain that a man is in love (and that doesn’t mean just hearing the words) before sleeping with him. The fact that you misunderstood what I meant means I need to rewrite the piece below. Thank you for showing me where I need to be more clear.

What the truth is about men is they’ve been denied true intimacy and heart connection because they have been taught by society, by their family, by their culture, by the media, by coaches, and other boys and men that it’s sissy to actually be emotional and express what they’re really feeling. But by all of those same people and groups, they’ve been encouraged to have s>>ex; that it means they’re being a man. Men are hungry for real intimacy, even more than women are, because they have no outlets for heart-to-heart sharing of their deepest feelings.

When a woman truly understands a man, and realizes that she has the power to give him non-physical intimacy in ways that he can feel safe enough to be open to it, she becomes a treasure to him. When he has that kind of understanding and safety, he will cherish the woman who can give that to him. The goal of EVERYTHING I do is for both sides of a relationship to win. Without a win/win relationship, it will fall apart.

And the original email:
What Men Won’t Tell You #14:
What men won’t tell you is that s>>ex is the only way most men
know how to be intimate. We want intimacy and so do they but we
have lots of ways to be intimate. Sharing our hearts is one of the
most important. But not for him. He won’t tell you how uncomfortable,
almost painful it is for him to express anything that comes near to
sharing his feelings. That’s because he’s been taught not to express
his feelings, to show weakness. But one way they have been taught
that it’s okay to get close to a woman is physically. They want
closeness but they don’t know how to get it except sexually. And
even then, they don’t let themselves get as close emotionally as
they might like. If only they knew how good it could feel.

That’s where Men Made Easy comes in. when he feels truly under-
stood he’ll be able to let down his guard like never before and
you’ll enjoy a deeper bond of love and heart connection because
his ability to experience a braoder range of intimacy will be
possible. It’s in your hands. (End of post.)

I’d love to hear from you…

With much Love,
Kara