June 26, 2006
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Hello Kara,
I bought your on-line book today and couldn't put it down. I do some of the things that were in there and can improve some others, what a good book of insight.
I have a question for you though. I feel like I have a great guy, he treats me like a queen. Is kind, thoughful and always, always doing things for me. Loves to spend time with me and really tries to make sure we communicate well.
He fishes with is friends and I do things with mine, and we try to have a balanced life apart as well and we really love each other. He tells me daily,something I waited for him to say on his own before I ever said it.
I am trying to focus on those things, but I have an expectation I can't seem to shake. We have been dating for 20 months and he talks about us getting married next year. I have set a deadline in my mind that I should have a ring by the time we have dated for 2 years if that is the case.
He told me recently that the ring will be purchased, he wants to get himself financially in order and get the ring I deserve. I listened to him as he described how he had been feeling less than because he had't run out and just bought the ring like someone else with more money could. I listened and thanked him for telling me and I told him I have never thought he wasn't good enough.
I guess the question is how long do I accept this as a reason? Am I being realisitc to set a time line? I don't want to be strung along, and my feelings are hurt that I haven't gotten the ring yet. It makes me feel like I am not important enough, (something I did tell him as we discussed this).
Thanks in advance for you answer and your book.
Beth
My response:
Hi Beth,
Please, please let go of your pictures of how it should look. If you continue on this path you will make him feel less of a man (which he's already admitted to feeling) instead of making him feel like a man, which is what he needs and wants from the woman he wants to marry. Most women would sell their souls to have a man like you are describing. Let go of your time line, let go of your futuring, and stop long enough to enjoy each moment as it unfolds. I understand what you are going through because I am in the same situation. I want things to move along more quickly than they are, but I keep reminding myself that it is just something that my little girl dreams and our culture is laying on me. It is getting in the way of enjoying the precious moments of getting acquainted and becoming a bonded couple. He has told you he wants to marry you, wants to give you the ring he can afford when he is able, and anything you do to push him will only snip away at his manhood. If you continue he will either move more quickly than is comfortable for him, which will eventually breed resentment. Another thing he might notice is that if you push him to buy you the ring before he is ready/able, it will fortell of what it would be like to be married to you, which would scare most men. The "you don't give me what I want" or "I want what the other couples have" will only belittle him and drive him away.
Read my book again and see that you are doing exactly what will cause him to fall out of love. You've been doing the right things so keep doing them and stop doing anything that makes him feel small or less of a man. I want you to realize that you have a gem and that you are a very lucky woman.
Joyfully,
Kara
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