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This is an extention of what has been happening as a consequence of my therapy sessions. In case you haven’t read any of my therapy posts (I actually don’t blame you) you might not know that I’ve been trying to get rid of “The Thing.” That’s when I feel separate from people, especially painful when it is my boyfriend that I’m feeling disconnected from.

Of course I shared with him everything that was discussed in my therapy. So in an effort to work together on this issue (it hurts his feelings when he’s wanting us to feel close and loving and I’m off over there, being disconnected) I offered that whenever I was feeling disconnected for any reason or if he noticed it before I did, we’d say something. I offered that I would tell him that I miss him. At first, I’d notice it just a little bit and I’d say to myself, “I miss you”. I immediately felt reconnected.

This happened several times but I didn’t tell him I was doing it. I was afraid that if I shared what I was doing too soon, I would lose touch with what I was trying to accomplish. In a very short period of time (maybe 3 days) I was no longer feeling disconnected. And boy did he respond. Very yummy.

When we left for Bali I was feeling very close and he was responding like crazy. Talk about a happy guy. I was feeling so good that I began to say out loud, “I don’t miss you”, with a big smile on my face. The first time I had to explain that that meant I was feeling really close and in love. That put a big smile on his gorgeous face. Over the 2 1/2 weeks that we were in Bali I said it several times and all the while I was feeling more and more connected and he was feeling it too. It was wonderful.

Once or twice during the last two days of our trip I had to tell him that I missed him. We were at a very unique hotel, right on the ocean, very expensive, but not where I wanted to be. He is the ocean person so I wanted him to be happy and didn’t tell him I didn’t want to stay there. But I wasn’t my best self and found myself going into myself. Every time I said I missed him he melted and immediately gave me a long, warm hug with lots of loving words. He was really appreciating that I was communicating rather than going off into myself.

From the first time we met, and even before, on the phone for two weeks, we’ve had an amazing connection and we’ve been thrilled at how exceptional our relationship has been. But with this new feeling of closeness, it’s moved into a whole new level of intimacy and love.

This weekend he snapped at me, one of the only times it has happened. It wasn’t much but I reacted. He was tense about having to start teaching the next day and apologized immediately. But it brought back feelings of when I was married to the “Bad Ex” when he would harshly say, “What are you doing?” (Translation: That’s not the way I do it so therefore you are doing it wrong!) I was hurt, went inward and began to feel really lonely. It was all my own doing, my own reaction to what Chris had said, which, on the surface, was no big deal. And he apologized almost before I could react. I knew it was silly but the feelings persisted.

Chris plays the piano every night before we go to bed and before he began to play I said, “I miss you.” He immediately got up and kneeled beside me and just held me. He said he could see the pain on my face and was so glad I said something. He apologized again so I explained why I was reacting so strongly. Once I told him what going on all the feelings of disconnection dissolved.

I’m learning to speak up and each time it gets easier. In my 29 year marriage I kept pretty much anything but “nicey, nice” to myself. So I’m working to get rid of a deeply ingrained habit. One thing I’ve discovered is that the quicker I speak up, the quicker I get back on track to being the happy woman I generally am. And when I do it quickly, I don’t have any time to build it up into something worse. I’m like a lot of women in that I can take some little incident and in my mind, especially in the middle of the night, work it into something much bigger than it is. Then I get upset and it takes more effort to get back to my normal state of being happy.

If you can learn to speak up by sharing what’s going on inside of you, with no blaming, you should be able to resolve issues quickly, and in so doing, build intimacy and love. I was really afraid to speak up but Chris has encouraged me by telling me how much closer and more intimate we will be. He was right, as he usually is. I’m blessed to be with a man who can teach me about being in a relationship. He’s helped me be more effective at counseling others and in my writing. We’re actually talking about doing some couples workshops in the near future. I think that will be amazing.

With much love,
Kara