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A woman wrote recently and asked how she could know if the man she was seeing was being honest with how he portrayed himself. Here’s some pointers for determining if a man is “for real”:

Have you ever wished you had a way of determining if a man is someone with whom you should be getting involved? Here are some suggestions for determining if a man is worth pursuing. Use it wisely, and trust your intuition and those red flags that pop up as you’re getting to know someone. I ignored some flaming red flags, man, they were on fire, and I got burned, badly, by about $50,000. Yikes! I hope that never happens to any of you:

1) Would your friends and family say they like him and that he seems like a quality guy? If the overall reaction is yes, that’s a good sign. When your friends tell you a man isn’t good for you, look closely at their concerns. Yes, they don’t know him as well as you do, but their vision isn’t clouded by his pretty words and your emotions.

2) One way to find out if a man is sincerely interested in you and looking for a long-term relationship is to request that you hold off on sex. You only want a man who respects your boundaries, wants to get to know the real you, and prefers to take however much time is required to determine if this might turn into a deeply loving and enduring relationship. Sex has a way of clouding one’s vision. It makes it more difficult to be at all objective. If a man is willing to wait, then he’s interested in something bigger.

3) Does he enjoy doing things for you, fixing things, solving problems for you? Then he’s probably a man who likes making you happy. How kind and considerate is he? Notice those little things like opening doors, looking out for your comforts, anticipating your needs. That’s an inbred quality that bubbles up naturally.

4) Ask him about his family. Did he have a happy childhood, does he love his mother, his dad, does he have a good relationship with his siblings? Ask him about friends. If there are holes and problems in those areas, there’s a possibility he has difficulty dealing with people. It can be a red flag. You want a man with heart. Ask him questions that will give him an opportunity to share from his heart. Pay attention to his temperament while he answers the questions.

5) You have a built-in filter with your kids. It’s an unusual man who is willing to take on another man’s children. If he’s willing to wait on sex, and wants to build a relationship with you, knowing you have kids, that’s a sign of a quality man. Ask him about past relationships. How did they break up? Was it always the woman’s fault or does he take responsibility for part of whatever caused the problems. Don’t get into the little details because that doesn’t serve either of you. He’ll want to know about yours and don’t tell him more than he wants to hear. Just the basics, not the minute details.

6) Most importantly, continue to check in with your Inner Wise Woman. If she puts out any warnings, heed them. If need be, tell him you’re feeling a little funny and ask him to clarify something for you. Then, notice how your gut feels when he answers your questions. It takes time to get to know someone. Inconsistencies will show up with time. Don’t make any rash decisions and most of all, have fun.

With much love,
Kara