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When I ask men what they don’t like about women, complaining frequently tops the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining.

But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and feels like a failure. And complaining isn’t asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. A better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” (state the problem, succinctly.) Then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, and blaming is guaranteed to shut him down.

The great thing about that approach is whenever you ask a man to help you solve a problem you are giving him an upportunity to be your hero. (Oh, shut up, you Feminists!) Men need to feel like men and women have the power, more than anyone else, to give him that. Actually, that’s the last secret in my book, “A man needs to be with a women who makes him feel like a man.” Duh… but it’s true.

If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me that the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, they’ve failed at their primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed.

In the hunter’s case her unhappiness means she and the children are hungry for protein and if that goes on long enough everyone dies. So, this need to make women happy is really about survival and how well he provides. It’s buried deep within his biology.

Too many women make the man the source of their happiness. That’s too big a burden on anyone. You are responsible for your own happiness. When you take charge of making yourself happy, he feels successful, even though he may have absolutely nothing to do with it. When you’re happy you’re much more appealing to him (read beautiful), he feels like he’s successful as your partner, and his heart opens up to you. This is a case of win/win if there ever was one.

Another reason not to complain is because it’s unattractive. When I find myself complaining I feel downright ugly. Feminine Grace is about doing everything with grace, having control over our actions, taking responsibility for how we are, and the impact our words and actions have on others. Ugly or beautiful? It really is your choice. The only way change occurs–at least if we want some say in those changes–is to do things differently.

With much love,
Kara