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It’s 5:30 p.m. and I’m sitting in the United terminal at LAX. Generally, this is not a bad thing because it means I’m going somewhere. But I’ve been in this airport since 10:30 a.m. Chris, my partner, is taking me to Aspen as a Christmas gift. Our flight was cancelled due to snow. That’s a good thing because it’s snowing, apparently dumping a lot of the fluffy white stuff all over the mountains. It’s a bad thing because we’re not there to enjoy it. If I focused on the fact that this is my Christmas gift, I could get pretty upset. But that’s not my style. Whenever there is nothing to be gained by being upset, which is most of the time, I do what I can to create a playful way of dealing with things. The reason I’m writing about this is to talk about gifts.

Do you have expectations?
You do? Oh dear, that’s not good. Don’t you know that expectations are a recipe for disappointment? I had expectations that we’d be in Aspen this evening, skiing the next day. Instead, we’re staying in an airport hotel by the Denver airport. I’d be really bummed if I’d held on to those expectations. Plus, I could have had expectations about what I thought he should give me. It’s easy for him to take me on trips and to tell me beforehand. He even tells me what he’s going to buy me. Last year it was a ski trip to Utah, a one piece ski outfit and boots. He told me to go pick something out and then he’d come with me to see what I’d selected. Then he sat with me as I selected boots. It’s not a surprise but what an amazingly generous gift. No, it’s not jewelry, but he gets to feel good about giving me something really nice, and I get to be taken care of. Why not enjoy every ounce of it? He’s happy and so am I.

Now let’s talk about you.
Are you okay with his gift selections and when he gives you something unexpected, do you appreciate the heck out of him? Or is there something specific you want him to give you? Are you disappointed when he gives you something different than you’d hoped for? If you didn’t give him clear details about what you wanted, you have absolutely no permission to complain. If you think he “ought to know”, he’s probably in trouble a lot because that kind of thinking slides over into other aspects of your relationship. If you dropped hints, you can’t blame him if he missed them. Men don’t do that well with subtlety. Sometimes they get it, but mostly not. Just get used to it.

Men are afraid of the whole gift giving thing.
More often than not, according to the men I have polled, they’re generally scared. They hate that you have expectations, that they don’t know what those expectations are, and scared that they may have missed some hint and that you’ll be yelling at them as soon as the wrapping paper has hit the floor. Give it up, girls. It’s unfair to him and think about it, it’s really unfair to you. You’re missing out on the sweetness of simply enjoying his effort to please you. Can’t you just relax and enjoy that?

Here are a few options: Give him a thrill by telling him that you like to be surprised, but that you know he’s worried about what to give you. Offer him a list of several items and tell him to pick one. That way you’ll be surprised because you won’t know what he picked. He’ll get to be let off the hook, get to feel like he’s taking care of his woman, and you get what you want. Don’t do the hint thing unless you do it exactly like this: Honey, (grab his face) honey, look at me. This is a hint. For Christmas, I’d like ________ (fill in the blank.) He’ll be relieved that he’s going to get you exactly what you want. Tell him where to get it and where it is in the store, if you know. I prefer the list thing, myself. Or, if you want to be completely surprised, tell him so and tell him that you’ll be thrilled with whatever he gives you. You may have to fake it, but if you want future gifts, remember, he needs to feel successful, and he needs to feel like a man. You are the one who can give him both of those things by appreciating his efforts. It’s as simple as that.

It’s now morning and the Aspen airport is open. We’ve had a lot of laughs. Made the whole thing into an adventure, including staying at the Holiday Inn without our bags, and tomorrow, we ski our fannies off.

With much love, happy holidays!
Kara