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I’ve been talking to professional Matchmakers and I’m learning a lot. If you’re dating here are just some of the things you need to know because you might be doing some of these things without realizing it…and wondering why there’s no interest in another date:

a. Women approach dating the same way they do work, set the goal then conquer it. Men tell them that when they go on a first date with some women they feel like they’re on a job interview. I recommend you relax and just see what happens. At the very least, you’ll meet someone new. And leave that power suit at home. Dress like you enjoy being a woman.

b. Men are too picky about how they need a woman’s body to be. Gentlemen, you’re getting way too hung up on breast size. I recommend you get a movie with Camoran Diaz, or Niomi Cambell, Kate Hudson and her mom, Goldie Hahn, Wanona Ryder, Debra Messing or Holly Hunter. One of those must be attractive to you. See, they don’t have to have big ones. If you’re too focused on breast size you’re narrowing the playing field more than you should and maybe missing out on a very juicy lady who meets all your other criteria.

c. Women push too hard to have sex. This may seem like the opposite of the stereotype but it’s one of the things men are complaining about. Maybe they’re just needing to get laid, or maybe they think that’s what a man wants. But a man who has plunked down several thousand dollars is looking for someone to settle down with. He needs to respect the woman he chooses. Yes, I know, there’s a double standard, but he assumes that if you’re too quick to hop into bed with him, that’s what you do with all men. Plus, he want’s to get to know you first. What a concept.

d. Women don’t wear make-up on their dates. This one really surprised me. I had no idea this was going on. But what they tell the Matchmakers is that “he should appreciate the real me.” It’s the same thing women who are overweight say. It’s not that men like makeup, it’s that you cared enough to make the effort. I know for me, Chris says I don’t need make-up. And there’s some truth to that, as far as he’s concerned. But if that’s completely true, why does he perk up with lots of compliments about how great I look when I spiff up to go out with him. Ladies, too much make-up is bad but no make-up is worse.

there’s lots more to share with you, which is why I’m designing the Dating seminars that you can attend (via telephone conference) beginning in September. To get on my mailing list and learn more sign up for my newsletter to the left. You’ll be the first to know.

With much love,
Kara

You know that I’m always harping on being beautiful, that that is the best way to get men to respond positively to you. And you know, especially if you’ve read Men Made Easy, that to get a man to love you and stay in love is not so much how beautiful you are physically but whether or not you treat him and behave in a beautiful way. Well, a phenomenon that I’ve noticed is that when I have one little, tiny, itsy, bitsy thing cause me to get a little bit off center, then the next thing, which could be just as insignificant, causes me to react more strongly than if that first thing hadn’t pushed my buttons. Does that happen to you? Once that gets started then everything seems to upset me. I call this the Doo-Doo Magnet Syndrome. It’s like you become a magnet for doo-doo once you are even a little bit off center. I’m mentioning this because it plays into the pit bull thing. When this gets going, if I want it to stop, I switch over to thinking of my many blessings, all that I’m grateful for. It always disconnects the doo-doo magnet and makes me feel a whole lot better. Try it the next time the doo-doo starts piling up. You’ll be much more beautiful.

Do you get an idea into your head about something that’s bothering you and then can’t let go of it? I do this to myself sometimes. I get going on something and it becomes all I think about. Usually it’s some kind of fear or concern about what might be, and it’s generally not grounded in anything real. It’s funny, well, not really, that we seem to do this with negative thoughts and not positive thoughts. At least I do.

I just found this from a 2002 newsletter and thought it would be fun to share it with you:

No woman should ever change herself just to get a man to want her. She should never change for the sake of change, rather she should “improve” herself to become her best, most magnificent self because she loves herself, feels she’s worthy of all the best that life has to offer. Any efforts to improve herself for a man should be because she respects the man totally and completely and want’s to rise to a higher level to meet him. Self-improvement should be a lifelong path toward greater levels of happiness and spiritual joy. By spiritual I mean appreciating the gift of life and all that exists in the universe.

I hope that all makes sense. If you ever need to go inside and do some serious soul-searching for the answers that are already inside of you, you can talk with your Inner Wise Woman. I have instructions for a special process in the Wise You section. ( http://www.AliveWithLove.com/wise/wise.html) It’s a really powerful process that can be used for just about any issue you’re struggling with. You have all the right answers within you, it’s just a matter of knowing how to access them.

Last night I went to a launch party for a new magazine in which I have a column. It’s called Scene & Heard In Santa Barbara. It’s a beautiful magazine and I hope they will have mountains of success. Gloria, the spirit behind the magazine, asked for Cocktail Attire on her invitation. I was shocked by how many ignored her wishes and I talked to several people who thought it was downright rude. But what I really wanted to comment on is all the collagen lips. Oh…My…Gawd!!! Everywhere I looked were women who looked like they’d been stung by bees. Not only were their lips obviously enlarged, they were uneven so that it looked like 3 or 4 bees had done a number on them.

As I always seem to do, I began to poll men. They all were adamant that it was really gross. Maybe women are doing it for other woman but I think it’s gross too. I teach Feminine Grace. Purposeful disfigurement and grace don’t go together. Be as natural as possible and you’ll always be your most beautiful self. There are lots of products you can use to enhance your beauty and forestall aging that are not dangerous or disfiguring.

I beg you, please don’t disfigure yourself in an effort to look more attractive or more youthful. If you want bigger lips there are some great products that allow you to control what is happening to your face. I use Physicians Complex Lip Enhancer. I’ve always had very full lips, and they still are, but a while back I noticed that I was beginning to get that line just inside the lip line. I recognized it as how older women’s lips look. Yikes! I’m an older woman. The plumper I use works so well that sometimes it makes my top lip too full. There are others that are probably cheaper but I haven’t used them. Please, no more disfiguring in the named of beauty.

I haven’t blogged lately for whatever reason. Just really involved in my other writing. But this morning I got a reaction from a woman who had signed up for my What Men Won’t Tell You…But I Will series of emails. I’d love your opinion as to whether it sounds like I tell women they need to sleep with a man to keep him.

She said: “Don´t cheat woman with that lie, that they most go to sleep with a man to keep him!!!!!!!!”

My response to her is here and the original message that she was responding to is below that:
Dear C.,

I have never, ever told women, in my books, articles, workshops, seminars or speeches that they should sleep with a man to keep him. On the contrary, I think women should wait until they’re certain that a man is in love (and that doesn’t mean just hearing the words) before sleeping with him. The fact that you misunderstood what I meant means I need to rewrite the piece below. Thank you for showing me where I need to be more clear.

What the truth is about men is they’ve been denied true intimacy and heart connection because they have been taught by society, by their family, by their culture, by the media, by coaches, and other boys and men that it’s sissy to actually be emotional and express what they’re really feeling. But by all of those same people and groups, they’ve been encouraged to have s>>ex; that it means they’re being a man. Men are hungry for real intimacy, even more than women are, because they have no outlets for heart-to-heart sharing of their deepest feelings.

When a woman truly understands a man, and realizes that she has the power to give him non-physical intimacy in ways that he can feel safe enough to be open to it, she becomes a treasure to him. When he has that kind of understanding and safety, he will cherish the woman who can give that to him. The goal of EVERYTHING I do is for both sides of a relationship to win. Without a win/win relationship, it will fall apart.

And the original email:
What Men Won’t Tell You #14:
What men won’t tell you is that s>>ex is the only way most men
know how to be intimate. We want intimacy and so do they but we
have lots of ways to be intimate. Sharing our hearts is one of the
most important. But not for him. He won’t tell you how uncomfortable,
almost painful it is for him to express anything that comes near to
sharing his feelings. That’s because he’s been taught not to express
his feelings, to show weakness. But one way they have been taught
that it’s okay to get close to a woman is physically. They want
closeness but they don’t know how to get it except sexually. And
even then, they don’t let themselves get as close emotionally as
they might like. If only they knew how good it could feel.

That’s where Men Made Easy comes in. when he feels truly under-
stood he’ll be able to let down his guard like never before and
you’ll enjoy a deeper bond of love and heart connection because
his ability to experience a braoder range of intimacy will be
possible. It’s in your hands. (End of post.)

I’d love to hear from you…

With much Love,
Kara

My boyfriend, Chris, has taken me to ski in Utah over the long weekend. Tonight he took me to La Caille, an absolutely amazing restaurant. All the waitresses wear very low cut long dresses. One of the servers was an attractive blond but she had on black mascara, heavy black liner, and probably dark gray shadow. She also had a set to her jaw and a kind of energy that said she likes “bad boys.” Chris couldn’t see it. Then he realized that he doesn’t pay that kind of woman much attention because he instinctively knows he’d be rejected because he isn’t her type. He didn’t know that she was advertising for a bad boy. He’s not a bad boy so he just knew he would ger rejected if he approached her or a woman like her.

I told him that all woman who enjoy attracting men are like billboards. Our selection of wardrobe, hair, and makeup are all advertising for our kind of man. My question to you is, are you advertising for the kind of man you are really wanting to be with? If you are still in the exploratory stage and not ready to settle down, then why not try them all. But if you are clear about what you are looking, be sure that your billboard says what you want it to say.

With much love,
Kara

I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his friend recently. We went into the restaurant and there was a totally hot young woman in EVERY way. As is the norm when men are with a woman, I started to follow her with them behind me. But the view of her tush was so good I thought the guys should get the best view so I stepped behind them. She seated us and her hair and face were perfection and then she tugged on her jacket and her breasts perked up and said, “Hi!” We were all very impressed. There was one thing that both men agreed on though. Because she had on that high contrast lip liner (dark brown with lighter red inside) they said they would be embarrassed to be seen with her. EMBARRASSED! That’s pretty strong, especially because she was soooo attractive. So ladies, you might rethink your lip liner choice. It should be just a smidge darker, with the lighter lipstick on the inside. Actually, every make-up artist I have seen says to blend the liner with the lipstick so that there is no line. Some say to cover the lip with liner then apply your lipstick. My favorite and what I’ve found to be most attractive on my lips is to do what Reggie, Oprah’s make-up man advists. Take a slightly darker lipstick (not liner) and apply it on the outside edges of your lips. Then put a lighter lipstick on the inner part of your lips. There is no line, the colors blend, you can do it without looking if you’re good at staying in the line, and it makes your lips look fuller and more voluptuous.

So, rather than look strange and like someone a guy would be embarrassed to be seen with, why not look sexy and voluptious? You choose.

With much love,
Kara

There’s a man I’ve been seeing at the gym for months. We have sort of smiled on occasion but nothing more. I thought I saw him at Starbucks so today, when I was at the gym and he was right next to me, I asked him if I’d seen him at the coffee shop. It wasn’t but we ended up in the nicest conversation. Here’s a line that doesn’t have to be true: “Did I see you at Starbucks on Tuesday morning?” “No, it wasn’t me.” “Well, then, there’s someone out there that looks a lot like you.” What comes next is up to you.

Then Tuesday evening an older, grumpy looking man and I were the last two left at the car wash. While we waited for the washers to finish I noticed the full moon just next to the Nordstrom tower. I asked if he’d seen it yet. It turned out he wasn’t grumpy at all and we shared a really nice conversation.

My point is that even when someone seems shut off, grumpy, or uninterested in those around them, almost always it takes very little to get a conversation started. Without a conversation, no one is going to be asking for or giving a phone number. Remember, meeting someone is a numbers game. The more people you talk to the greater your odds of finding someone. So, even though it might feel scary to start a conversation with a stranger, almost always, once you do, you’re both glad you did.

With much love and encouragement,
Kara

When I was having lunch with my friend yesterday he also mentioned one of the slippery slopes of online dating services. He said that even when you meet someone really interesting, there’s always that temptation when you get back home, no matter how great the date was, to check to see if someone even better might have just joined. He said it’s a trap that is way too easy to fall into and it keeps you from trying harder to get to know someone you’ve been out with.

If you find yourself doing this you might want to avoid that temptation (if you can) and just focus on one at a time. I’ve noticed that my girlfriend in Los Angeles does the same thing and when I tried online dating I admit I did it too. So how can we avoid missing an opportunity to get to know someone without the distraction of what’s “next” in line. Any suggestions?

I’ll think about this and write a post again this week.

Hugs for now,
Kara