It seems to me that one of the reasons for staying young is that many of us are finding love again after the age of 50. I am 58 and my “boyfriend” (I don’t like that term because he is so much more than that) is 61. We are certainly vain, in that we both enjoy looking our best, but more than that, we feel kind of cheated (while at the same time feeling so very grateful) that we finally found the kind of love we have longed for so late in life. We wish we were in our 30’s because that would mean, barring unforseen circumstances, we would have many vibrant, healthy, youthful years to enjoy each other. So now we’re milking it for all it’s worth.

There’s something kind of simple and clean when people fall in love past age 50. They don’t fall prey to the stereotypes of more youthful lovers. We have worked through much of our “issues”, our “stuff”, so that we can be more honest with who we are and be willing to accept our partners for who they are.

It helps that Chris and I have been dedicated to personal growth and self discover for most of our adult lives. We’re so much more appreciative of each other. What we offer to each other is simple honesty. Being older allows that. Being of similar ages also allows a kind of enjoyment that he, (who typically dated women 10 to 15 years younger [because he could, that's why]) never knew could be enjoyed. That is, we can comisserate about aches and pains, wrinkles, and the like. He doesn’t have to hide his aging from a younger woman. We are embracing our age in as positive a way as we can.

But older love is our reality and because we want to enjoy as many good, vibrant, healthy years together as possible, we are dedicated to taking good care of ourselves and each other. We encourage each other to work out, eat right, be joyous, playful, and to have lots of great sex. ‘-)

Sex, that’s another of those things that makes you feel young and, at the same time, keeps you young. We agree that when we were in our 30’s and 40’s, we would never have guessed that our best sex would be at 58 and 61. Talk about a great big awakening. Yahoo! What a way-cool thing to discover.

When you know that someone has been alone for a long time, not enjoying love or sex, there’s often a kind of pastiness that comes over them. Have you noticed? It’s not only visible, it also colors their personalities and their outlook on life. Sadly, because there are fewer men than women, and because most men prefer younger woman, there are a lot of women who walk around with that pastiness. Thankfully for them, they have lots of outlets for living vibrantly, without a man, if they so choose. That’s one reason it’s a good idea to let go of needing a man. If one comes along, that’s great, but going without should not take away from a woman’s quality of life.

For those of us who are lucky enough to find a great partner after age 50, never take it for granted. If you celebrate it, cherish it and let it wash over you and through you you will discover that love, not a potion, is the true fountain of youth.

With much love,
Kara

Which comes first, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? Does one make the other blossom more fully? The reason I ask is because this weekend my boyfriend told me how sexy I was being. Until he said something I didn’t notice what was going on for me. When I started paying attention I did notice that what I was feeling was more womanly. I was really comfortable with myself (an important part of what I call Feminine Grace) and after spending 2 and a half weeks in Bali together, and even before that spending 3 weeks at his place (one day each week going back to Santa Barbara to check mail, water plants, see my mother and kids) while I worked on redecorating his house, I was also feeling more and more comfortable with him and our “usness”.

For most of the time we have been together he has been uncomfortable with my independence. He’s explained that he’s always been a couple because he has never had kids and never dated any before me that had kids and had a strong sense of family and nurturing. He likes being a couple and having a strong sense of coupleness with any woman he has been with. I have worked hard over the years that I have been single to develop my independence and I’m proud and happy with it. He doesn’t want me to ever give that up, but it hurts him when I am feeling independent (separate, doing “the thing” that I talk about in my therapy sessions). Now, as I’ve been settling into being more of a couple, the way I felt when I was married, I’m even more exciting to him.

So now I get to notice that as I feel more comfortable, I feel more womanly, and as a consequence, at least to my boyfriend, I am more sexy. I’ve also noticed men looking at me differently so maybe it’s showing up all over the place. Men have taught me that they find confident, open, happy women the most attractive. With the help of a lot of work on myself, I’ve become all those things but “the thing” that stand-off-ishness, has definitely gotten in the way of having closer relationships with people of both genders. But I digress, as I’m prone to do.

My questions to you is: Which comes first for you, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? And what does each feel like, what do you do to transmit those feelings to men or your man? How do men respond, etc. Let’s talk about it.

With much love,
Kara

Here’s a question I got today:

Dear Kara,

I am in the middle of a situation with my fiance. He wants to have a threesome and I know that this would satisfy him and bring him a lot of pleasure. However he knows the woman he wants to be with us and I’m leary of the relationship. He says that it’s all just sex and he wants to be with the two women who have satisfied him sexually. Now am I wrong to feel like I am really not satisfying him fully or is it just a fun thing that men go through?

Please respond,

Thanks and please keep my name private…

And my response:

Hi,

I have talked to a lot of couples who have dabbled with threesomes and open marriages and the bottom line of my research is that it gets in the middle of the relationship and erodes the trust, love, respect, and friendship that is so necessary for a long-term relationship to last. Most of them said it caused them to break-up. The goal needs to be to do whatever will deepen love, not dissipate it. Othwerwise, why be in a relationship, especially if you are planning to get married? Bringing someone new into the bed is not going to deepen love. If the woman is single and available, you are both looking for trouble. If she is an ex girlfriend or lover, that’s really dangerous.

Years ago, in the 70’s, my ex-husband and I hung out with a couple our age who also had kids. We made out in their presence, as did they in ours, and that was enough to cause my husband to go to her secretly. He just couldn’t get her off of his mind. I did not find out about it until over 20 years later, but it shows what can happen. Fortunately, they only got together once or they might have started a relationship that could have broken us up way back then when our kids were little.

You should never have to feel obligated to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. He should have gotten his desire for a threesome out of his system when he was a young carefree bachelor. I’m sorry you are being asked to do this. It puts you in a very difficult position.

Here is an article I wrote for my AliveWithLove.com site. It might help:
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It’s amazing how often people, mostly men, ask me what I think of threesomes. I have talked to a lot of people who have tried it, and have read and heard a lot of professionals give advice on the subject, and it seems that, overall, it’s not a good idea.

There are a variety of problems that arise when a couple moves into this arena. One that happens more often than you might think is the two women (generally a threesome is with two women and one man) become attracted to each other and the man, who frequently instigates the get-together, gets jealous.

Another problem is the breakdown of the special intimacy that had developed before the third party disrupted it. And finally, the fact that you need to go to that kind of extreme to lend variety to the relationship is a red flag that there are other problems to look at.

Many I have talked to and read about say the threesome broke up their marriage. Probably, things were going bad already, and this just moved the process along.
==========

I hope this helps you with your decision. Most important is that you follow your heart and don’t do anything you don’t want to do or that you know you will regret.

With much love,
Kara

The more time I spend studying the world of romance, love, relationships, and men, the more I am convinced about why women lose interest in sex. Aside from resentment, which I think is the greatest killer of love and passion, more often than not I think women lose interest in sex because most men don’t have a clue about what it takes to be a good lover. I’m not even talking about a great lover. Those are rare and usually if they’re too good, they’re also pretty likely to need lots of variety. They didn’t get good by reading Shakespeare.

The problem is that most men aren’t able to receive advice on the topic of their sexual abilities. And even for those who do want to learn, they don’t know what it means to have a softer touch, or to kiss more sensuously, or to simply slow down the process and pay enough attention to read the signs of how the woman is progressing. And when you think about it, how would most men learn to be good in bed? There’s nothing in our society that is meant to teach men the finer points of sexual ability.

I happen to think that women are, overall, more sexual than men. That’s because women are more sensual. They are more inclined to enjoy the world through their senses because they are more in touch with their senses and with their bodies. They have been encouraged all their lives to be open to what the senses can tell. So it stands to reason that they are more sensually inclined when it comes to sex. When a sensually open woman has a partner who isn’t very sensitive to the full possibilities of sexual expression, she’s frustrated and eventually prefers not to have sex at all. When a man is too rough, lacks knowledge of female sexuality, and is too quick to “get to the point” the woman loses interest very quickly.

In my workshops, “Embracing Our Sensual Selves” I asked the women what they would like me to tell the men in their workshops and in my writing. Always, always most of them would emplore, “Tell them to slow down. And tell them that what they think is slow, should be at least doubled in time.”

I would really like to get your feedback on this because I am preparing an article for a major magazine. Would you please write to me and give me your comments and experiences on this topic. You can write to me here. I would really, really appreciate as much feedback from both men and women as possible. Please give me specifics about what makes a man or woman a good lover and what makes them a bad lover. Let’s have some fun with this so we can all learn.

By the way, for any men who might be interested in actually being a great lover, you might want to take a look at my eBook class="peach" href="http://howtomakeawomanhappy.com">and Women Made
Easy. I offer great detail about what it takes to be a great lover, not to just “score.”

With much love,
Kara