August 23, 2006
Why Do Men Prefer Porn To a Real Woman?

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A question from a hurt woman:

Dear Kara,
Why does my husband spend a couple of hours looking at porn on the internet then goes to bed and straight to sleep every night? What’s wrong with me? The girls he looks at are the complete opposite of me (looks wise). Am I just something he settled with because I make him look good. And the other girls is what he really wants? I’m so confused, hurt, unsure, and frustrated.
Carmen

My response to her:

Dear Carmen,
I don’t know why men prefer porn to real women but once a man gets hooked (addicted) to porn, he loses touch with reality and has a difficult time being with real women. I don’t know what to tell you. Do you have children? If not, you might want to look into your heart and determine if you want to spend any more time with a man who doesn’t make love to you. Does he take you out on dates? Does he do anything to make you feel special? Does he do nice things for you? If you are not getting anything out of the relationship you need to ask why you are with him. If you have children, then you need to do whatever you can to convince him to “join the family”. Your children need a father who interacts with them. I hope this gives you some food for thought.

With much love,
Kara

Filed under: Uncategorized, Men — Kara @ 7:54 pm

August 22, 2006
Why Men Hate Complaining.

When researching my book I asked men what they don’t like about women. Complaining frequently toped the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining.

But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. They can’t help themselves. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and feels like a failure.

A complainer isn’t usually asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. Or it’s simply a habit. I know people who have a habit of complaining. That’s their communication style. Ugh! If you’re like me, you can’t get away from that kind of person faast enough.

If you really do need help with something a better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” (state the problem, succinctly.) Then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, and blaming is guaranteed to shut him down. And the great thing about doing this is YOU GIVE HIM AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE YOUR HERO. Men love that.

If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me that the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, he’s failed at his primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed. He is drawn to make you happy. If you complain a lot, you are saying with each complaint, “I’m not happy.” He feels like a failure and after a while, he’ll need to leave or “become” a failure. Who wants a man who feels like he’s a failure? And what man want’s to endure that. The man who stays with that kind of a woman is a wuss. And we call him Pussy Whipped. Ugh. Bad, bad, bad all around.

Too many women expect the man to be the source of their happiness. That’s too big a burden on anyone. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. When you take charge of making yourself happy, he feels successful, even though he may have absolutely nothing to do with it. When you’re happy you’re much more appealing to him, he feels like he’s successful as your partner, and his heart opens up to you. This is a case of win/win if there ever was one.

Another reason not to complain is because it’s unattractive. When I find myself complaining I feel downright ugly. Feminine Grace is about doing everything with grace, having control over our actions, taking responsibility for how we behave, and the impact our words and actions have on others. That’s when you’re most beautiful. Complaining is ugly, appreciation is beautiful. Which would he prefer? Which would YOU prefer to be? It really is your choice. The only way change occurs–at least if we want some say in those changes–is to choose to do things differently.

Filed under: Uncategorized, Men — Kara @ 11:11 am

August 16, 2006
When He’s Not Interested…

A woman wrote today with this question:
Dear Kara,

I have been married now for two years and in the process of divorcing a man that really did not quite love me. He did not even like the way I talked or laughed. Well I went ahead and married him anyway simply because he was looking for someone to cook him meals, look after his children and iron his shirts etc. and I was lonely and had not had a relationship for years. Basically I have been a glorified maid. For the past 10 months we have been working in different cities so I got to really like this other guy that I worked with. He was friendly and at times he would ask me for lunch and confide in me about some very personal stuff - his former girlfriends, current women he was interested in, his family etc. i got really close to him. my relationship with my husband in the meanwhile was going down the drain and we were hardly talking. Two months ago before i relocated home I told this guy that I had really grown to like him and that my marriage is not working - i got a bit emotional about the troubles in my marriage and ended up crying (ok I feel really stupid now). Well he clamped up and said he was extremely flattered but he didn’t know what to say and that he had a girlfriend, that i was married and that i should sort out my life.

I left and came back home to try and sort out my marriage but its not working and my husband and I have agreed to separate and get a divorce. I have been communicating with this guy via the occasional email just to say how are things etc. I still miss him though and like him a lot. What do you think that I should do now that my marriage is over? Should i let him out of my system or consider him eligible? Somehow i cant shake the feeling that he really liked me too but i blew it by telling breaking down in front of him and telling him how i felt. I want to start a new life and start dating but somehow this guy is still in my system.

What should I do?
J.M.

My response to her:
Dear J.M.

This other man gave you a clear message that he is not interested in you as a girlfriend. Be thankful for that because you can get on with your life. Don’t jump into a relationship too quickly. You need to fall in love with yourself and you can’t do that if you are falling in love with a man. You need to be your first priority. You need to regain your self confidence because admitting that you were a glorified maid is not easy to digest. Realize that you are worthy of much more and that you will be self loving enough not to lower yourself to be acceptable to the first man to come along. Rise and shine and you will attract a terrific man. Then you will not be judging your self worth by whether or not you have a man in your life.

I wish you much wisdom, great insight and a happy new life.

With much love,
Kara

Filed under: Uncategorized, Dating, Men, Marriage Advice — Kara @ 1:12 pm

August 9, 2006
Is Mel Receives First Ugly Man’s Award!

I’ve been in Bali so I just noticed the cover of People Magazine last night at the market. Just now I was talking to Mark Waldman who wrote the piece below and he said I should share the Brain Research from the University of Pennsylvania that suggests that Mel Gibson’s “Alcoholism Excuse” is false. Just the fact that Mel Gibson was behind the wheel while impaired by alcohol makes him a candidate for the Ugly Man Award. Because he’s been an admired celebrity is cause for him to get the first Ugly Man Award. Here is a copy of the article mentioned above:

Andrew Newberg, MD, and Mark Waldman are the authors of Why We Believe What We Believe: Uncovering our Biological Need for Meaning, Spirituality, and Truth, which will be released in September, 2006

Although we would not normally join in the feeding frenzy surrounding Mel Gibson’s arrest and defamatory statements concerning Jews, several alcoholism experts have logged onto televised discussions and have made claims that we feel are blatantly and dangerously untrue. In these interviews, Gibson’s responsibility for his behavior was reduced with the claim that alcohol can make a person say things that he or she really doesn’t believe. Recent neuroscientific evidence confirms that cognition is impaired by alcohol, but there is not a single study showing that people are more prone to lie or disparage others while they are under the influence. Instead, research shows that people’s brains hold many negative thoughts and feelings that they often are not aware of. Various parts of the brain automatically suppress such thoughts, especially when society or public opinion deplores such thinking. But those thoughts are real. At some point in time, they were imprinted into memory by conscious choice. Anti-Semitic thoughts are not generated by alcohol; the alcohol may distort those thoughts, but the thoughts were already well-established in Gibson’s brain. Furthermore, the majority of people, when drunk, do not automatically spew hatred. Alcohol only disinhibits, and this allows underlying feelings to become uncensored. Most people, when they drink, get mellow, but those that get angry should get help. But the underlying angry personality cannot be dismissed.
Gibson’s behavior exposes a larger question: why is discrimination and racism so prevalent throughout the world? Converging evidence from gene research, sociobiology, and evolutionary psychology show that humans are born with numerous aggressive, defensive, and prejudicial tendencies, and recently several brain-scan studies have shown that even the most liberal individual shows an alarm response when images of people from different cultures are seen. Although it appears that the brain is equipped with a negative “out-group” bias, most people (fortunately) can train themselves to interrupt these antisocial thoughts and replace them with constructive beliefs and behaviors. It’s not the alcohol that makes us prejudiced, it’s the person; the alcohol only serves to weaken our conscious control over emotional outbursts and feelings.

Our research demonstrates that people who are repeatedly exposed to any belief—be it religious or political—form stronger and stronger neural circuits that not only keep that memory and belief alive, but also provide a visceral sense of reality the longer such beliefs are held. Furthermore, once our beliefs are neurologically established, it becomes harder and harder to change them later in life. Gibson’s outbursts lend credence to the conjecture that his father and others have left a lasting impression that literally became burned into the circuits of his brain (children, by the way, are particularly vulnerable to the implantation of patently false ideas).

We applaud Mr. Gibson’s recognition that there is something wrong inside his brain, but we want to caution him, and the world, that it will take a gargantuan effort on his part to alter those destructive neural imprints (the same is true for any person who harbors feelings of hostility toward others). Sadly, our research suggests that it may take decades of intensive self-reflection before a person can replace racist beliefs with genuine traits of tolerance, compassion, and forgiveness. Even then, more work is required to translate constructive beliefs into effective behaviors that can benefit society. In an age where world violence seems to be escalating, I just hope there’s enough time to get so many people to change their negative beliefs.

* Andrew Newberg, MD
University of Pennsylvania
* Mark Robert Waldman
Associate Fellow, Center for Spirituality and the Mind
University of Pennsylvania

Another reason besides the anit-racial slurs is his comment to the female police officer about her breasts.

So, Mel Gibson, you are hereby our official First Ugly Man Award recipient. May you have success transforming your thinking about Jews and women.

With much disappointment in someone I previously admired,
Kara Oh

Filed under: Uncategorized, Men, Ugly Men Awards — Kara @ 4:55 pm

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