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The answer: They have no one to talk to. Men are terribly isolated in this society. They’ve been taught since they were little boys to hold it all in, not to cry, not to be vulnerable. In Oprah Magazine this month Eve Ensler, as she does every month, asked several movers, shakers, and celebrities how they would help the world. Jane Fonda said she’d encourage all mothers and grandmothers to quit forcing boys to grow up as isolated males, discouraged in so many ways to not show their true feelings. I have been preaching this for a dozen years.
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A woman wrote this week and because I didn’t respond right away, her email is somewhere on my list and I can’t find it. So here are my thoughts on getting involved with a married men: DON’T DO IT! Don’t flirt; don’t "we’re just having lunch"; don’t have "just an emotional" affair; just don’t go there. Why? Because you’re both out of integrity. That’s why we call it cheating. It’s lying, it’s stomping on promises made, it’s hurtful, it creates bad energy, bad Karma, bad everything. And, HEAR THIS, if you get involved with a man who is married, you are getting involved with a man who cheats. (more…)

In the Sept. 15 Bottom Line Personal there was an article titled The Music Cure. It talked about the healthy benefits of music from pain relief, heart help, help for stroke and Parkinson’s patients, dementia relief, and breathing difficulties.

I’m working on a book titled How To Be More Attractive, Inside and Out. If you’ve been reading my books and articles for a while you know that I’m always trying to inspire you to focus on being happier and in so doing, you’ll be more attractive. Well, music is something that I encourage, especially dancing to it, singing it or playing it. It makes sense that if it can help with physical ailments, it certainly can improve our spirits. That’s not news. But seeing that article made me realize I should remind you that for your physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being, you should listen to, dance to, sing to and play music that makes your heart sour. You’ll be happier, more pleasant to be around, sexier, and more attractive. Not a bad return for something as tiny as a CD.

Get out there and move those hips,
Kara
"Turn On The Power of Your Heart"
Kara Oh
The Heart Specialist™

I got this email this morning from a woman seeking advice. Below is my advice to her and any other woman who is ruining a perfectly good relationship because she’s focusing on the wrong thing:

Hi Kara,
I was wondering if you could help me, i love my boyfriend but he is not the romantic man i want, i really want to enjoy every bit of our relationship, i love surprises and all these sweet little things but it seems like its all faraway from him. He is an alright person he loves me and he loves and cares about my family but i really want him to be romantic!  Help me spice  my relationship
Thanx, Chloe

Dear Chloe,
Some men just aren’t going to offer the kind of romance you have in mind. It’s unfair to put that on him if he’s a loving, respectful, supportive, good  man. If you complain you’re telling him that he’s not okay the way he is, that he’s a failure at making you happy, that what he does do isn’t enough, etc. All this is emasculating and that’s the very worst thing a woman can do to a man. If everything else is good about him then you will probably blow it and chase him away.

The best way to get him to do something for you is say, "It would make me really happy if you would… buy me flowers once in a while. It would make me feel really special and loved." Then let it go. If he doesn’t remember, LET IT GO!

If he just isn’t going to do the things you have decided are romantic then you need to find something about him that IS romantic. Does he tell you he loves you? Does he walk up to you and share a hug or a kiss? Does he cuddle with you? Does he hold your hand when you’re at the movies? Does he buy you dinner? These are all romantic gestures. Focus on the things he DOES do, not what he doesn’t.

Don’t throw away a good man simply because you’ve got a fantasy about what romantic is. Open your heart and see things from his perspective instead of just yours. Be compassionate. He was brought up to "be a man" which means don’t do sissy things. Mushy, romantic stuff is generally sissy stuff. Why in the world would he be expected to turn that on when he meets a woman when his entire life has probably been to teach him to turn that part of himself off. Give him a break.

When he does do something that you feel is romantic then appreciate the heck out of him. Tell him how much you appreciate what he did, how feminine it makes you feel, how taken care of, how much his thoughtfulness means to you. And get sexy if that’s part of your relationship. That will get his attention. If you’re not at that stage then a sexy kiss will do. He’ll begin to get the point. It’s a subtle way to train a man. He wants to please you, make you happy, and get more sexy action from you so he’ll do those things that work.

I hope that helps calm you and maybe get you a little bit of romance. But remember, he’s already being romantic, just not in the way you’ve fantasized. Find that romance and start to enjoy it. Then appreciate him for what he does do and he’ll probably do more of it.

I wish you much love,
Kara
The Heart Specialist™

Okay… What’s the deal with women showing up for a date without make-up? Their reasoning is that "he needs to like the real me." Well, what he sees is that the real you doesn’t care about your appearance and that you don’t have any interest in trying to put your best foot forward, to make a good impression. Men don’t like a lot of make-up but they really like that a woman puts in some effort to look nice for her date. So if you’re sincere about finding a man, show it by making the effort to look nice.

But you guys, you’re definitely not off the hook. What’s the deal with wearing a T-shirt, shorts, and flip flops? Pretty much any woman would be completely turned off. And while you’re at it, bathe. I get so many women complaining that men smell bad when they show up for a date. Maybe you had a long day but geez, it doesn’t take that long to jump in the shower, soap up, and rinse.

Why not go back to the good old days of trying to impress each other. Look your bright, shiny best. Brush your teeth, fix your hair, be clean and pressed, smile, be enthusiastic about learning about each other. Mostly, GET RID OF THE CHIP!!! Yes, you’ve been burned. Yes, you’ve been disappointed. Yes, it’s not easy. But what if you finally have "the one" sitting across from you but that chip on your shoulder is keeping you from being able to see straight.

Actually, everywhere you go, put your best foot forward and wear your brightest smile. You never know if the next person you meet might be Mr. or Ms. Right. Or maybe their brother or sister or best friend is the perfect person for you. You want that referral. When you’re selling yourself at work you do your best to shine. Well, use those work skills in your social life and see what you might be able to create.

Looking like you don’t care is NOT going to get you noticed. If you really want to find someone to share your life with (and you need to check in to see if you really do) then you need to change your attitude to one of receiving the good stuff that life is wanting to give you. But it’s not going to happen if you don’t put in the effort.

With much love,
Kara
The Heart Specialist™

"Celebrate Life – Be Happy"

What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?

Sometimes, when we get angry, our words simply pour out. We don’t think about what they mean and what impact they will have. When we get to that state we’re so deep into our feelings that we feel like we’re being swallowed up by them. People write to Ms. Magic (that’s me!) and after explaining some blow-up they had with their partner, exclaim, “I couldn’t help myself.” My response to that kind of comment is always, “Yes, you could have.”

When we are extremely angry, it feels like we can’t control ourselves. But if we get angry at work, or the phone or door bell rings in the middle of an argument, most of us do control ourselves. The biggest problem with anger is we say things that we regret later. And the other person shuts down and doesn’t hear what we are trying to communicate. It’s a no win situation no matter how you look at it. Plus, it is counter to using the power of your Feminine Grace because it is really ugly.

One of the things we often do when in the heat of an argument is say things like, “You never take me anywhere,” or “You always insult me in front of your sister.” Using the words always and never discount the times that he did take you out and the times with his sister that he did not insult you. Those words also cause your partner to put up defensive walls. Then he’s too busy defending himself and planning his comeback to be able to hear what is really going on for you.

Women compliment each other all the time. We’re used to it. But men, I discovered when I was doing my research for my book, hardly ever get any kind of compliment or appreciation, from anyone, at work or at home.

Here’s what Men’s Health Editor, Davie Zinczenko says in his new book, Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User’s Guide for Women: “Less than one in four men say they regularly receive positive reinforcement from the women in their lives, but guys want that even more than they want the Saturday digital football package. Just because we have an interior more heavily vaulted than a Brinks truck doesn’t mean you can’t crack us.”

In my book, Men Made Easy, I stress throughout how important it is for a woman to appreciate her man. When he compliments you or offers his appreciation, you feel good, youfeel like we’re not being taken for granted, and you feel noticed.

It means much, much more to a man. For him, it has to do with his entire sense of being a man. He wants to be a hero, successful, capable, strong, protective, and a great lover. One secret says A Man Is Driven To Make His Woman Happy. Another says To a Man, Failure Is Death. And still one more says, A Man Needs To Be Understood and Accepted For Who He Is. It’s all about being a good man for you. When you let him know that he’s doing a good job being your man, in all the ways you can, you have the power to make him stand taller, to feel great about himself, to feel successful…all because you give him regular doses of appreciation. This is the very best way to win a man’s heart and keep him in love with you. Men really are that easy.

With much love,
Kara

I met a woman at a social function last night that was so beautiful that everyone in the room was aware of her. When I spoke with her, however, I learned that behind that beautiful surface, and remember, it really is only the surface, she was downright ugly. She was talking to three women, me included, with her boyfriend standing next to her. I wanted to “slap her upside the head” for how she was treating her boyfriend. Of course, he was with her by choice (I saw no gun) obviously because of her “surface”. It certainly couldn’t have been her charm and grace.

What she was saying went something like this: “I’m so upset. I wanted to go to Winter’s, you know, that restaurant on Rosen Avenue, but no, he wanted to go to the Blue Garden. He just doesn’t know that the Blue Garden is so passe’. I don’t know why I stay with him.”

She sounded like a B movie. It was bad enough that she was saying this about him, but even worse, he was standing right there. I happen to know that Winter’s is almost twice as expensive as the Blue Garden but obviously, this doesn’t concern her.

I my way of thinking, she was being unbelievably rude. But, clearly, she didn’t see anything wrong with it. I hear so many women treating their husbands and boyfriends badly. It makes me wonder what they’re thinking. What’s funny is that some of the women I know who bad-mouth their boyfriends or husbands to their girlfriends are the ones who previously, before said man entered their lives, were complaining that they didn’t have a man.

I guess because of the Feminist Movement and Girl Power, women think they’re entitled, simply because they’re women. How often have you been in a conversation with girlfriends where you are dying to take your turn to say great things about your guy? Possibly never. What really goes on is one women brings up a complaint about their boyfriend or husband, and then the rest want to jump in with their version of what’s wrong with their partner.

My question is, how many of these women go out of their way to appreciate the man they are with? Most of the emails I get, asking for advice, are how to get the guy to be more of something. More affectionate, more committed, more open, more generous, more available. I don’t get women wanting new ideas for making their man feel loved and appreciated. Well, sometimes, but those are asking what they can do to make him fall in love so they will propose.

In my book, Men Made Easy, I have twelve secrets. But there are only two that really matter. The first and the last. The first says be more beautiful in how you “are” with your man, and the last explains that a man wants to be with a woman who makes him feel like a man. EVERY TIME a woman puts her guy down, EVERY TIME she belittles him, EVERY TIME she lets him know he has failed at whatever, she might as well be cutting off his You-Know-Whats. Come on women. Put as much time into being beautiful on the inside, into being happy, into being playful and joyous, as you do on the outside and watch your life take on a glow that will bring you so much love that you’ll cry from the joy of it.

Oh, there’s one other secret that goes along with the two mentioned above. It is that a man is driven to make his woman happy. If he loves her, he can’t help himself. If a woman is being beautiful, she will be happy by nature, she will be appreciative of what her man does for her, and he will feel great because he has a happy woman who makes him feel like a man. When that cycle is a consistent part of a relationship, he will look for more ways to make her happy, which only deepens the love, intimacy, and commitment to each other. They both win. There’s a reason I chose Men Made Easy as my title.

With much love,
Kara

Here’s an (unedited) email I got today from a young woman who has been receiving my “Tips About Men”:
hi kara,
well this is rachelle and i really appreciate all of ur tips about men. well i have been a little busy and i would not read them but i saved all of them and today i was free and i started reading them all and i loved them all, i am in a relationship right now, we have been together for 6 months and were both young adults , hes 21 and i am 19 and after reading ur tips iam going to make some right choices because i’ve been making him feel like a failure and i will fix that and not to do it again.
again thank you alot,
rachelle

That email inspired me to talk about how easy it is to emasculate a man. One of the most important things I try to get across to women is to not belittle a man because a man is most easily emasculated by a woman. More than anything, he needs a woman to make him feel like a man not like a failure. When she puts him down for his inability to make money, make love to her, be a good father or husband, etc., he feels emasculated and pulls away from her a little bit each tiime she does it. Eventually he needs to leave if he wants to keep his balls intact.

Another way a woman can easily emasculate a man is simply let him know he has failed at making her happy. I’ve heard so many men say, when asked why they left their wife or girlfriend, “I couldn’t make her happy.” He needs to get away from that kind of woman if he has any desire to feel like a man. If a man stays with that kind of woman, eventually his testicles eventually dry up and fall off. I think the term is P…. Whipped. Think about the kind of man who has earned that title. We don’t have much respect for that kind of man. And usually the women doing the whipping isn’t a very pleasant person.

I teach Feminine Grace. No real woman would ever do that to a man, especially the man who is supposed to be her lover. Obviously, a fully emasculated man no longer has sex, unless, heaven forbid, he does so at her demand. Yuck! I don’t even want to think about that scenario.

So ladies, if you want to have a relationship with a man who adores you, makes you feel like his queen and calls you his goddess, all you need to do is practice Feminine Grace and make him feel like a man. It’s that simple. Learning how to do that takes a bit of learning along with some practice, but once you get it down (and believe me, for most women, this is what feels best and eventually becomes totally natural) he will treat you better than you’ve ever been treated before. It’s the surest way to win a man’s heart.

With much love,
Kara

When I ask men what they don’t like about women, complaining frequently tops the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining.

But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and feels like a failure. And complaining isn’t asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. A better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” (state the problem, succinctly.) Then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, and blaming is guaranteed to shut him down.

The great thing about that approach is whenever you ask a man to help you solve a problem you are giving him an upportunity to be your hero. (Oh, shut up, you Feminists!) Men need to feel like men and women have the power, more than anyone else, to give him that. Actually, that’s the last secret in my book, “A man needs to be with a women who makes him feel like a man.” Duh… but it’s true.

If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me that the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, they’ve failed at their primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed.

In the hunter’s case her unhappiness means she and the children are hungry for protein and if that goes on long enough everyone dies. So, this need to make women happy is really about survival and how well he provides. It’s buried deep within his biology.

Too many women make the man the source of their happiness. That’s too big a burden on anyone. You are responsible for your own happiness. When you take charge of making yourself happy, he feels successful, even though he may have absolutely nothing to do with it. When you’re happy you’re much more appealing to him (read beautiful), he feels like he’s successful as your partner, and his heart opens up to you. This is a case of win/win if there ever was one.

Another reason not to complain is because it’s unattractive. When I find myself complaining I feel downright ugly. Feminine Grace is about doing everything with grace, having control over our actions, taking responsibility for how we are, and the impact our words and actions have on others. Ugly or beautiful? It really is your choice. The only way change occurs–at least if we want some say in those changes–is to do things differently.

With much love,
Kara