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The answer: They have no one to talk to. Men are terribly isolated in this society. They’ve been taught since they were little boys to hold it all in, not to cry, not to be vulnerable. In Oprah Magazine this month Eve Ensler, as she does every month, asked several movers, shakers, and celebrities how they would help the world. Jane Fonda said she’d encourage all mothers and grandmothers to quit forcing boys to grow up as isolated males, discouraged in so many ways to not show their true feelings. I have been preaching this for a dozen years.
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A woman wrote this week and because I didn’t respond right away, her email is somewhere on my list and I can’t find it. So here are my thoughts on getting involved with a married men: DON’T DO IT! Don’t flirt; don’t "we’re just having lunch"; don’t have "just an emotional" affair; just don’t go there. Why? Because you’re both out of integrity. That’s why we call it cheating. It’s lying, it’s stomping on promises made, it’s hurtful, it creates bad energy, bad Karma, bad everything. And, HEAR THIS, if you get involved with a man who is married, you are getting involved with a man who cheats. (more…)

In the Sept. 15 Bottom Line Personal there was an article titled The Music Cure. It talked about the healthy benefits of music from pain relief, heart help, help for stroke and Parkinson’s patients, dementia relief, and breathing difficulties.

I’m working on a book titled How To Be More Attractive, Inside and Out. If you’ve been reading my books and articles for a while you know that I’m always trying to inspire you to focus on being happier and in so doing, you’ll be more attractive. Well, music is something that I encourage, especially dancing to it, singing it or playing it. It makes sense that if it can help with physical ailments, it certainly can improve our spirits. That’s not news. But seeing that article made me realize I should remind you that for your physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being, you should listen to, dance to, sing to and play music that makes your heart sour. You’ll be happier, more pleasant to be around, sexier, and more attractive. Not a bad return for something as tiny as a CD.

Get out there and move those hips,
Kara
"Turn On The Power of Your Heart"
Kara Oh
The Heart Specialist™

I watched a new series, A Side Order of Life, recently because the title was so intriguing. In it the main character’s best friend announced that her cancer had returned, and that it had gone into her brain. After a party celebrating her life (rather than waiting for a funeral) she said through tears, "All I ever wanted out of  life was… everything." Right before that tender moment there was a song being sung, "I’m feeling my way through the dark."

At the risk of being corny, I’m going to share my heart with you and I hope that’s okay. It might not sound like relationship advice, but trust me, it is…

Inspired by those two thought-provoking lines from that show, I challenge you to really look at your life. Are you living with gusto? Are you saying "yes" to life? Are you loving as if there was no tomorrow? Or are you holding back, hanging on to anger or resentment, settling, unable to speak up and ask for what you want, or waiting for the "right time"?

I believe, deep inside every cell of my being, that we are on this planet to learn how to love and be loved more fully. Even if what you’re focusing on right now is to be successful in your work and earn more money, to do so requires that you love yourself. Yes, don’t argue with me because it’s true. You must love yourself in order to believe in yourself and you must believe in yourself to accomplish any goal.

If you have a partner that you love and who loves you, let go of anything and everything that keeps you from opening your heart completely. If opening your heart is not a safe thing to do, then I ask you, "Why are you with this person?" If you’re single and looking for that special person to love get out there with the intention of allowing your heart to reach out to the next man you meet. You’ll know if he’s someone you should get to know better, or someone you should simply acknowledge as a fellow traveler, on the same quest for love.

I have recently had a lightning bolt realization that my work is to show people how to turn on the power of their hearts. If you turn on your heart and open to the love that is yours to create, you won’t have to "feel your way through the dark." Your heart will be
a beacon, shining it’s light on all the places that offer more experiences of love. Romantic love, friend love, family love, even  moments of love shared between strangers. Most important is that when you allow your heart to guide you, your self-love will keep you connected to your intuition-your deep wisdom-so that you make wise choices in what you do and who you spend your precious time with. Fear is what gets us off track and fear is simply an absence of love.

I have probably been rambling but I needed to share with you that you can count on me to offer my insights in order to help you turn  on the power of your heart. Look for heart turn-ons this week. Notice when your spirit gets tickled. Smile at strangers. Do a good deed for someone and don’t tell anyone. Tell everyone you love how
you feel. Be grateful, out loud, for all your blessing. And even life’s most challenging lessons are blessings.

Again, I quote, "All I wanted out of life was… everything." It’s your life, live it fully.

By the way, Chris, my fiance’, surprised me with the most beautiful engagement  ring I’ve ever seen. Even at sixty-two and fifty-nine, we’re living life, loving as if there was no tomorrow, and thrilled to be alive. I invite you to do the same…

With a heart overflowing with love,
Kara

"Celebrate Life-Be Happy!"

P.S. To learn how to
Turn On the Power of Your Heart
visit AliveWithLove.com often:
http://www.AliveWithLove.com

Kara Oh
The Heart Specialist™
P.O. Box 21803
Santa Barbara, CA 93121
Ph: 805-687-2448

Someone asked me about this recently so I thought I’d offer my thoughts here.

I think it’s good to stay friendly with past husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, as long as the relationship was, overall, healthy. If that person was meaningful to us, if we shared love, and especially if we shared having children, it’s good for our soul to honor what was good in that relationship and the lessons we learned.

I hope you won’t mind, but I need to digress a bit: If you haven’t done this process yet, of discovering the lessons to be learned, especially if the relationship has you still angry or hurt, I would highly recommend it. I am a strong believer that we are drawn to people, all kinds, not just lovers, because there are lessons to be learned, on both sides. The bigger place they hold in our lives, the more and bigger the lessons to be learned. You can go back to any experience (no matter what it was and with whom and discover the gold buried there. Even something that happened when you were 4 years old.) The gold is whatever lessons can be mined that will enhance, improve, or enrich our lives. If you want to learn how to do this process you can go here:
http://www.AliveWithLove.com/wise/lessons.html

Okay, back to those old lovers. The operative word here is friends. What do you mean by friends. If you hang out with them, go to movies with them, go to lunch or dinner, go hiking, you’re playing with fire. Fire because you could re-ignite old feelings and fire because you are most likely hurting your partner. I am friendly with my ex-husband of 29 years. We had kids together. We work together whenever he hires me to do interior design work (I was an interior designer in Montecito for ten years) on one of his projects. When we’re in the middle of a project, occasionally, we’ll go to lunch. We talk on the phone once in a while to catch up. But that’s it. Because we have kids together, and own property together, and are friendly, we also enjoy family functions where I bring my fiance’ Chris and he brings his wife. So instead of calling my ex a friend, I say we’re friendly.

With much love,
Kara

I read today that romance is the reason relationships are floundering so badly. I agree that romance sets up unreasonable expectations. So it’s actually not the romance but the expectations that are the curse.

I believe that expectations are a pathway to disappointment. I think romance can be sustained if a couple is able to communicate what they enjoy their partner doing for them, then being extremely appreciative. I hear so many women say, "He ought to know what I like." That’s unfair and downright mean to make him bad and wrong for not being able to read your mind. And men tend to focus on the more practical things. In a loving relationship, he wants you to tell him what he can do to make you happy.

If a couple stays respectful, compassionate, kind, loving, and passionate, they will automatically enjoy making their partner happy. But the moment a woman begins to make demands or demeans her partner, he is very quickly going to pull away in order to protect himself. If a man is disrespectful and takes his woman’s thoughtful deeds for granted, she is going to become resentful.

Once the out-of-control heat of passion dies down, a couple has to have moved to a deeper love to care enough to be romantic. And being romantic is actually just wanting to do things for our partner that makes them  happy and feel loved. As long as you enjoy putting a smile on your partner’s face, you’ll be one of those special couples who still enjoys romance, no matter how long you’ve been together.

With much love,
Kara

What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?

Sometimes, when we get angry, our words simply pour out. We don’t think about what they mean and what impact they will have. When we get to that state we’re so deep into our feelings that we feel like we’re being swallowed up by them. People write to Ms. Magic (that’s me!) and after explaining some blow-up they had with their partner, exclaim, “I couldn’t help myself.” My response to that kind of comment is always, “Yes, you could have.”

When we are extremely angry, it feels like we can’t control ourselves. But if we get angry at work, or the phone or door bell rings in the middle of an argument, most of us do control ourselves. The biggest problem with anger is we say things that we regret later. And the other person shuts down and doesn’t hear what we are trying to communicate. It’s a no win situation no matter how you look at it. Plus, it is counter to using the power of your Feminine Grace because it is really ugly.

One of the things we often do when in the heat of an argument is say things like, “You never take me anywhere,” or “You always insult me in front of your sister.” Using the words always and never discount the times that he did take you out and the times with his sister that he did not insult you. Those words also cause your partner to put up defensive walls. Then he’s too busy defending himself and planning his comeback to be able to hear what is really going on for you.

It seems to me that one of the reasons for staying young is that many of us are finding love again after the age of 50. I am 58 and my “boyfriend” (I don’t like that term because he is so much more than that) is 61. We are certainly vain, in that we both enjoy looking our best, but more than that, we feel kind of cheated (while at the same time feeling so very grateful) that we finally found the kind of love we have longed for so late in life. We wish we were in our 30’s because that would mean, barring unforseen circumstances, we would have many vibrant, healthy, youthful years to enjoy each other. So now we’re milking it for all it’s worth.

There’s something kind of simple and clean when people fall in love past age 50. They don’t fall prey to the stereotypes of more youthful lovers. We have worked through much of our “issues”, our “stuff”, so that we can be more honest with who we are and be willing to accept our partners for who they are.

It helps that Chris and I have been dedicated to personal growth and self discover for most of our adult lives. We’re so much more appreciative of each other. What we offer to each other is simple honesty. Being older allows that. Being of similar ages also allows a kind of enjoyment that he, (who typically dated women 10 to 15 years younger [because he could, that’s why]) never knew could be enjoyed. That is, we can comisserate about aches and pains, wrinkles, and the like. He doesn’t have to hide his aging from a younger woman. We are embracing our age in as positive a way as we can.

But older love is our reality and because we want to enjoy as many good, vibrant, healthy years together as possible, we are dedicated to taking good care of ourselves and each other. We encourage each other to work out, eat right, be joyous, playful, and to have lots of great sex. ‘-)

Sex, that’s another of those things that makes you feel young and, at the same time, keeps you young. We agree that when we were in our 30’s and 40’s, we would never have guessed that our best sex would be at 58 and 61. Talk about a great big awakening. Yahoo! What a way-cool thing to discover.

When you know that someone has been alone for a long time, not enjoying love or sex, there’s often a kind of pastiness that comes over them. Have you noticed? It’s not only visible, it also colors their personalities and their outlook on life. Sadly, because there are fewer men than women, and because most men prefer younger woman, there are a lot of women who walk around with that pastiness. Thankfully for them, they have lots of outlets for living vibrantly, without a man, if they so choose. That’s one reason it’s a good idea to let go of needing a man. If one comes along, that’s great, but going without should not take away from a woman’s quality of life.

For those of us who are lucky enough to find a great partner after age 50, never take it for granted. If you celebrate it, cherish it and let it wash over you and through you you will discover that love, not a potion, is the true fountain of youth.

With much love,
Kara

Here’s a question I got today:

Dear Kara,

I am in the middle of a situation with my fiance. He wants to have a threesome and I know that this would satisfy him and bring him a lot of pleasure. However he knows the woman he wants to be with us and I’m leary of the relationship. He says that it’s all just sex and he wants to be with the two women who have satisfied him sexually. Now am I wrong to feel like I am really not satisfying him fully or is it just a fun thing that men go through?

Please respond,

Thanks and please keep my name private…

And my response:

Hi,

I have talked to a lot of couples who have dabbled with threesomes and open marriages and the bottom line of my research is that it gets in the middle of the relationship and erodes the trust, love, respect, and friendship that is so necessary for a long-term relationship to last. Most of them said it caused them to break-up. The goal needs to be to do whatever will deepen love, not dissipate it. Othwerwise, why be in a relationship, especially if you are planning to get married? Bringing someone new into the bed is not going to deepen love. If the woman is single and available, you are both looking for trouble. If she is an ex girlfriend or lover, that’s really dangerous.

Years ago, in the 70’s, my ex-husband and I hung out with a couple our age who also had kids. We made out in their presence, as did they in ours, and that was enough to cause my husband to go to her secretly. He just couldn’t get her off of his mind. I did not find out about it until over 20 years later, but it shows what can happen. Fortunately, they only got together once or they might have started a relationship that could have broken us up way back then when our kids were little.

You should never have to feel obligated to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. He should have gotten his desire for a threesome out of his system when he was a young carefree bachelor. I’m sorry you are being asked to do this. It puts you in a very difficult position.

Here is an article I wrote for my AliveWithLove.com site. It might help:
========
It’s amazing how often people, mostly men, ask me what I think of threesomes. I have talked to a lot of people who have tried it, and have read and heard a lot of professionals give advice on the subject, and it seems that, overall, it’s not a good idea.

There are a variety of problems that arise when a couple moves into this arena. One that happens more often than you might think is the two women (generally a threesome is with two women and one man) become attracted to each other and the man, who frequently instigates the get-together, gets jealous.

Another problem is the breakdown of the special intimacy that had developed before the third party disrupted it. And finally, the fact that you need to go to that kind of extreme to lend variety to the relationship is a red flag that there are other problems to look at.

Many I have talked to and read about say the threesome broke up their marriage. Probably, things were going bad already, and this just moved the process along.
==========

I hope this helps you with your decision. Most important is that you follow your heart and don’t do anything you don’t want to do or that you know you will regret.

With much love,
Kara

I just finished watching Sleepless in Seatle and at the end Jimmy Durante sings “Make Someone Happy”. Here’s the lyrics:

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy;
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you,
One girl you’re ev’rything to.

Fame if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where’s the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you’ve found her, build your world around her.

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy,
And you will be happy, too.

I think one of the reasons so many relationships fail is that people are focused on what they want, rather than what they can give. I often help women determine what qualities they are looking in for a man but sometimes I forget to tell them to make a list of what they are willing to give and what they feel they have to offer a man. It’s a good exercise and one that I think each of us, even if we are in a relationship and married for years, could benefit from doing.

If you are more focused on making your partner happy than on how they can make you happy (or worse, how they are failing to make you happy) then I think most relationships would have a whole lot better chance of success.

Why not make your list right now. Or if you are involved, why not make a game of the two of you making a list and then sharing it. This could be a wonderfully romantic thing to do over wine and cheese in the park. If you do this, would you write back and share how it went?

Good luck,
Kara