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In the Sept. 15 Bottom Line Personal there was an article titled The Music Cure. It talked about the healthy benefits of music from pain relief, heart help, help for stroke and Parkinson’s patients, dementia relief, and breathing difficulties.

I’m working on a book titled How To Be More Attractive, Inside and Out. If you’ve been reading my books and articles for a while you know that I’m always trying to inspire you to focus on being happier and in so doing, you’ll be more attractive. Well, music is something that I encourage, especially dancing to it, singing it or playing it. It makes sense that if it can help with physical ailments, it certainly can improve our spirits. That’s not news. But seeing that article made me realize I should remind you that for your physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being, you should listen to, dance to, sing to and play music that makes your heart sour. You’ll be happier, more pleasant to be around, sexier, and more attractive. Not a bad return for something as tiny as a CD.

Get out there and move those hips,
Kara
"Turn On The Power of Your Heart"
Kara Oh
The Heart Specialist™

I got this email this morning from a woman seeking advice. Below is my advice to her and any other woman who is ruining a perfectly good relationship because she’s focusing on the wrong thing:

Hi Kara,
I was wondering if you could help me, i love my boyfriend but he is not the romantic man i want, i really want to enjoy every bit of our relationship, i love surprises and all these sweet little things but it seems like its all faraway from him. He is an alright person he loves me and he loves and cares about my family but i really want him to be romantic!  Help me spice  my relationship
Thanx, Chloe

Dear Chloe,
Some men just aren’t going to offer the kind of romance you have in mind. It’s unfair to put that on him if he’s a loving, respectful, supportive, good  man. If you complain you’re telling him that he’s not okay the way he is, that he’s a failure at making you happy, that what he does do isn’t enough, etc. All this is emasculating and that’s the very worst thing a woman can do to a man. If everything else is good about him then you will probably blow it and chase him away.

The best way to get him to do something for you is say, "It would make me really happy if you would… buy me flowers once in a while. It would make me feel really special and loved." Then let it go. If he doesn’t remember, LET IT GO!

If he just isn’t going to do the things you have decided are romantic then you need to find something about him that IS romantic. Does he tell you he loves you? Does he walk up to you and share a hug or a kiss? Does he cuddle with you? Does he hold your hand when you’re at the movies? Does he buy you dinner? These are all romantic gestures. Focus on the things he DOES do, not what he doesn’t.

Don’t throw away a good man simply because you’ve got a fantasy about what romantic is. Open your heart and see things from his perspective instead of just yours. Be compassionate. He was brought up to "be a man" which means don’t do sissy things. Mushy, romantic stuff is generally sissy stuff. Why in the world would he be expected to turn that on when he meets a woman when his entire life has probably been to teach him to turn that part of himself off. Give him a break.

When he does do something that you feel is romantic then appreciate the heck out of him. Tell him how much you appreciate what he did, how feminine it makes you feel, how taken care of, how much his thoughtfulness means to you. And get sexy if that’s part of your relationship. That will get his attention. If you’re not at that stage then a sexy kiss will do. He’ll begin to get the point. It’s a subtle way to train a man. He wants to please you, make you happy, and get more sexy action from you so he’ll do those things that work.

I hope that helps calm you and maybe get you a little bit of romance. But remember, he’s already being romantic, just not in the way you’ve fantasized. Find that romance and start to enjoy it. Then appreciate him for what he does do and he’ll probably do more of it.

I wish you much love,
Kara
The Heart Specialist™

I was watching a commercial recently and the woman was rolling her eyes because of something her husband had done. That got me to thinking how harmful eye rolling is in a relationship. Whenever you roll your eyes at someone, anyone, what you’re saying is that that person is being foolish, or worse; that you know better than they do; and that, at least in that moment, you don’t have much respect for them.

If you’ve ever had someone roll their eyes at something you’ve said or done, you know how it feels. If you haven’t, then imagine how your partner would feel if you said all the words that the eye roll implies. If you’re a basically nice person, you probably wouldn’t say the words at all. The eye roll is the equivalent of flipping someone off in the car. If someone bumped into you at a store, you’d say excuse me not get angry. I know I go on-and-on about this, but you CANNOT expect to inspire love and romance if you aren’t being kind, thoughtful, respectful and loving toward your partner. If you really want to keep things moving along in a positive direction then open your heart and start being loving…all of the time.

That may seem impossible to you. But even when you’re having a disagreement, you can do so in a loving way. That means, don’t do or say anything that will be hurtful. I tend to shut down and go inside when I’m upset. My boyfriend, Chris, is unwilling to let that go. He used to just go off until I came around because it hurt his feelings for me to shut him out. I’ve told him that I don’t like isolating myself, but that I do it out of many years of habit (29 year marriage). So now he comes to me immediately and wants to know exactly what’s going on. Then he wants to discuss it until it gets resolved. It always does and we’ve always stayed loving, even when it gets heated, because we’re committed to growing our love, each and every day. It’s all about the commitment to yourself though. If you feel like you’re with a person who makes you be a better person, then you must commit to your own, ongoing, personal growth as a top priority. Not a simple endeavor, but always, always well worth all the effort you put into it.

Here’s something to think about, if your relationships are going well (with everyone you are interested in or care about) then you’re doing well. If they’re not, you need to look inside and sort out what’s going on. No matter what the other person might be doing, it’s always about you. If you shouldn’t be with them, what’s going on within you that you’re still there? If they irritate you, why aren’t you saying something loving to communicate that something is causing a problem in your relationship. If you’re not getting something you need from your partner, why aren’t you speaking up? None of this is easy. It’s an ongoing, ever evolving path toward opening your heart.

If you’re dating: When you’re getting to know someone it’s easier to be on your best behavior. Rather than just faking it for a while, why not consciously use that time to actually, consciously change your way of being. Change yourself into a kind, loving, generous, joyful, positive, open hearted person. That will make you more attractive than any new outfit or lipstick. Here’s a great way to ingrain this new behavior, taking off from what I said earlier, about learning for your sake: When you say anything about an ex (and don’t until he invites you, then say as little as possible by changing the subject quickly) be kind and focus on what you learned, how it made you a better person, and that you’re grateful for the experience. One of the things men have told me over and over is that they’re more often than not, completely turned off when a woman starts in on all the bad things her ex did.

Someone asked me about this recently so I thought I’d offer my thoughts here.

I think it’s good to stay friendly with past husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, as long as the relationship was, overall, healthy. If that person was meaningful to us, if we shared love, and especially if we shared having children, it’s good for our soul to honor what was good in that relationship and the lessons we learned.

I hope you won’t mind, but I need to digress a bit: If you haven’t done this process yet, of discovering the lessons to be learned, especially if the relationship has you still angry or hurt, I would highly recommend it. I am a strong believer that we are drawn to people, all kinds, not just lovers, because there are lessons to be learned, on both sides. The bigger place they hold in our lives, the more and bigger the lessons to be learned. You can go back to any experience (no matter what it was and with whom and discover the gold buried there. Even something that happened when you were 4 years old.) The gold is whatever lessons can be mined that will enhance, improve, or enrich our lives. If you want to learn how to do this process you can go here:
http://www.AliveWithLove.com/wise/lessons.html

Okay, back to those old lovers. The operative word here is friends. What do you mean by friends. If you hang out with them, go to movies with them, go to lunch or dinner, go hiking, you’re playing with fire. Fire because you could re-ignite old feelings and fire because you are most likely hurting your partner. I am friendly with my ex-husband of 29 years. We had kids together. We work together whenever he hires me to do interior design work (I was an interior designer in Montecito for ten years) on one of his projects. When we’re in the middle of a project, occasionally, we’ll go to lunch. We talk on the phone once in a while to catch up. But that’s it. Because we have kids together, and own property together, and are friendly, we also enjoy family functions where I bring my fiance’ Chris and he brings his wife. So instead of calling my ex a friend, I say we’re friendly.

With much love,
Kara

I was at Trader Joes yesterday and began to notice how sour many of the women looked. Their mouths literally turned down. As I became more aware of what I was noticing I decided to look and see if they were married or single. Strangely every woman with a sour face was single. Now I have no idea if these women would like to be married. Maybe they love being single and independent, maybe they’re lesbians. The following comments are irrelevant if these women would prefer to be recluses and don’t want friends or lovers. Maybe they’ve learned that frowning is the very best way to keep people at arm’s length.

It’s funny but the woman who walked in with me, got me started on this train of noticing, who had the worst frown of all, is the same woman who was in the check-out line right in front of me. I caught her eye and gave her a big smile. I thought her face was going to break but she was able to get her face to smile. But I kept watching her and, like a rubber band, it snapped right back to the frown, which was obviously her natural state because of how severe the downward turn of her mouth was. I don’t think I could even force my mouth into such a shape.

So here’s the rub. If sourpusses want friends, this is no way to attract them. Those sour faces are as good as mace. If they’re looking for lovers, of either gender, it’s having the same affect…repellent.

I can’t help it if I’m always looking for what’s going on in the arena of love and romance. I do know there’s more to think about than that. So what about this: This planet could use more love, all around. That’s probably an overwhelming task for most of us. So what if you just decide to impact your own sphere. Let’s say that as you move about at work, in stores, at church, meetings, etc. you’re able to have an effect (I sure hope I got the affect/effect thing right) on say a 30 foot range in front of you. I chose 30 feet because that’s probably the farthest distance from which people will really notice you.

So if you’re able to share that sour face with everyone that comes within 30 feet of you, all day, every day, think of how many people you can make feel bad, or want to avoid your negative energy.

Turn that around and imagine the impact you can have if you carry a happy face around. What if you take that to the next step and speak to people in a playful way, say complimentary things to them, tease them, make them smile and laugh. If you do that throughout the day, some of those people will pass it along and become playful with others with whom they interact. You could make hundreds of people feel better and smile more just because you shared your happiness with them.

Maybe it’s not being a Mother Theresa, but if we all did that, all day, every day, everywhere we went, do you think the planet might be a better place for us all?

And back to the romance thing. How attractive is a sour person compared to a happy person? A man is walking through Trader Joe’s. There’s a great looking sour woman and a pretty good looking happy woman. Which one is he most likely to want to get to know? And when a woman is in that same store, is the sour ma going to cause her heart to flutter or the man who smiles aat her? You decide.

I wish you much love and happiness,
Kara Oh

What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?

Sometimes, when we get angry, our words simply pour out. We don’t think about what they mean and what impact they will have. When we get to that state we’re so deep into our feelings that we feel like we’re being swallowed up by them. People write to Ms. Magic (that’s me!) and after explaining some blow-up they had with their partner, exclaim, “I couldn’t help myself.” My response to that kind of comment is always, “Yes, you could have.”

When we are extremely angry, it feels like we can’t control ourselves. But if we get angry at work, or the phone or door bell rings in the middle of an argument, most of us do control ourselves. The biggest problem with anger is we say things that we regret later. And the other person shuts down and doesn’t hear what we are trying to communicate. It’s a no win situation no matter how you look at it. Plus, it is counter to using the power of your Feminine Grace because it is really ugly.

One of the things we often do when in the heat of an argument is say things like, “You never take me anywhere,” or “You always insult me in front of your sister.” Using the words always and never discount the times that he did take you out and the times with his sister that he did not insult you. Those words also cause your partner to put up defensive walls. Then he’s too busy defending himself and planning his comeback to be able to hear what is really going on for you.

I met a woman at a social function last night that was so beautiful that everyone in the room was aware of her. When I spoke with her, however, I learned that behind that beautiful surface, and remember, it really is only the surface, she was downright ugly. She was talking to three women, me included, with her boyfriend standing next to her. I wanted to “slap her upside the head” for how she was treating her boyfriend. Of course, he was with her by choice (I saw no gun) obviously because of her “surface”. It certainly couldn’t have been her charm and grace.

What she was saying went something like this: “I’m so upset. I wanted to go to Winter’s, you know, that restaurant on Rosen Avenue, but no, he wanted to go to the Blue Garden. He just doesn’t know that the Blue Garden is so passe’. I don’t know why I stay with him.”

She sounded like a B movie. It was bad enough that she was saying this about him, but even worse, he was standing right there. I happen to know that Winter’s is almost twice as expensive as the Blue Garden but obviously, this doesn’t concern her.

I my way of thinking, she was being unbelievably rude. But, clearly, she didn’t see anything wrong with it. I hear so many women treating their husbands and boyfriends badly. It makes me wonder what they’re thinking. What’s funny is that some of the women I know who bad-mouth their boyfriends or husbands to their girlfriends are the ones who previously, before said man entered their lives, were complaining that they didn’t have a man.

I guess because of the Feminist Movement and Girl Power, women think they’re entitled, simply because they’re women. How often have you been in a conversation with girlfriends where you are dying to take your turn to say great things about your guy? Possibly never. What really goes on is one women brings up a complaint about their boyfriend or husband, and then the rest want to jump in with their version of what’s wrong with their partner.

My question is, how many of these women go out of their way to appreciate the man they are with? Most of the emails I get, asking for advice, are how to get the guy to be more of something. More affectionate, more committed, more open, more generous, more available. I don’t get women wanting new ideas for making their man feel loved and appreciated. Well, sometimes, but those are asking what they can do to make him fall in love so they will propose.

In my book, Men Made Easy, I have twelve secrets. But there are only two that really matter. The first and the last. The first says be more beautiful in how you “are” with your man, and the last explains that a man wants to be with a woman who makes him feel like a man. EVERY TIME a woman puts her guy down, EVERY TIME she belittles him, EVERY TIME she lets him know he has failed at whatever, she might as well be cutting off his You-Know-Whats. Come on women. Put as much time into being beautiful on the inside, into being happy, into being playful and joyous, as you do on the outside and watch your life take on a glow that will bring you so much love that you’ll cry from the joy of it.

Oh, there’s one other secret that goes along with the two mentioned above. It is that a man is driven to make his woman happy. If he loves her, he can’t help himself. If a woman is being beautiful, she will be happy by nature, she will be appreciative of what her man does for her, and he will feel great because he has a happy woman who makes him feel like a man. When that cycle is a consistent part of a relationship, he will look for more ways to make her happy, which only deepens the love, intimacy, and commitment to each other. They both win. There’s a reason I chose Men Made Easy as my title.

With much love,
Kara

A woman wrote today with this question:
Dear Kara,

I have been married now for two years and in the process of divorcing a man that really did not quite love me. He did not even like the way I talked or laughed. Well I went ahead and married him anyway simply because he was looking for someone to cook him meals, look after his children and iron his shirts etc. and I was lonely and had not had a relationship for years. Basically I have been a glorified maid. For the past 10 months we have been working in different cities so I got to really like this other guy that I worked with. He was friendly and at times he would ask me for lunch and confide in me about some very personal stuff - his former girlfriends, current women he was interested in, his family etc. i got really close to him. my relationship with my husband in the meanwhile was going down the drain and we were hardly talking. Two months ago before i relocated home I told this guy that I had really grown to like him and that my marriage is not working - i got a bit emotional about the troubles in my marriage and ended up crying (ok I feel really stupid now). Well he clamped up and said he was extremely flattered but he didn’t know what to say and that he had a girlfriend, that i was married and that i should sort out my life.

I left and came back home to try and sort out my marriage but its not working and my husband and I have agreed to separate and get a divorce. I have been communicating with this guy via the occasional email just to say how are things etc. I still miss him though and like him a lot. What do you think that I should do now that my marriage is over? Should i let him out of my system or consider him eligible? Somehow i cant shake the feeling that he really liked me too but i blew it by telling breaking down in front of him and telling him how i felt. I want to start a new life and start dating but somehow this guy is still in my system.

What should I do?
J.M.

My response to her:
Dear J.M.

This other man gave you a clear message that he is not interested in you as a girlfriend. Be thankful for that because you can get on with your life. Don’t jump into a relationship too quickly. You need to fall in love with yourself and you can’t do that if you are falling in love with a man. You need to be your first priority. You need to regain your self confidence because admitting that you were a glorified maid is not easy to digest. Realize that you are worthy of much more and that you will be self loving enough not to lower yourself to be acceptable to the first man to come along. Rise and shine and you will attract a terrific man. Then you will not be judging your self worth by whether or not you have a man in your life.

I wish you much wisdom, great insight and a happy new life.

With much love,
Kara

I just finished watching Sleepless in Seatle and at the end Jimmy Durante sings “Make Someone Happy”. Here’s the lyrics:

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy;
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you,
One girl you’re ev’rything to.

Fame if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where’s the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you’ve found her, build your world around her.

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy,
And you will be happy, too.

I think one of the reasons so many relationships fail is that people are focused on what they want, rather than what they can give. I often help women determine what qualities they are looking in for a man but sometimes I forget to tell them to make a list of what they are willing to give and what they feel they have to offer a man. It’s a good exercise and one that I think each of us, even if we are in a relationship and married for years, could benefit from doing.

If you are more focused on making your partner happy than on how they can make you happy (or worse, how they are failing to make you happy) then I think most relationships would have a whole lot better chance of success.

Why not make your list right now. Or if you are involved, why not make a game of the two of you making a list and then sharing it. This could be a wonderfully romantic thing to do over wine and cheese in the park. If you do this, would you write back and share how it went?

Good luck,
Kara

Hello Kara,