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What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?

Sometimes, when we get angry, our words simply pour out. We don’t think about what they mean and what impact they will have. When we get to that state we’re so deep into our feelings that we feel like we’re being swallowed up by them. People write to Ms. Magic (that’s me!) and after explaining some blow-up they had with their partner, exclaim, “I couldn’t help myself.” My response to that kind of comment is always, “Yes, you could have.”

When we are extremely angry, it feels like we can’t control ourselves. But if we get angry at work, or the phone or door bell rings in the middle of an argument, most of us do control ourselves. The biggest problem with anger is we say things that we regret later. And the other person shuts down and doesn’t hear what we are trying to communicate. It’s a no win situation no matter how you look at it. Plus, it is counter to using the power of your Feminine Grace because it is really ugly.

One of the things we often do when in the heat of an argument is say things like, “You never take me anywhere,” or “You always insult me in front of your sister.” Using the words always and never discount the times that he did take you out and the times with his sister that he did not insult you. Those words also cause your partner to put up defensive walls. Then he’s too busy defending himself and planning his comeback to be able to hear what is really going on for you.

I’ve been talking to professional Matchmakers and I’m learning a lot. If you’re dating here are just some of the things you need to know because you might be doing some of these things without realizing it…and wondering why there’s no interest in another date:

a. Women approach dating the same way they do work, set the goal then conquer it. Men tell them that when they go on a first date with some women they feel like they’re on a job interview. I recommend you relax and just see what happens. At the very least, you’ll meet someone new. And leave that power suit at home. Dress like you enjoy being a woman.

b. Men are too picky about how they need a woman’s body to be. Gentlemen, you’re getting way too hung up on breast size. I recommend you get a movie with Camoran Diaz, or Niomi Cambell, Kate Hudson and her mom, Goldie Hahn, Wanona Ryder, Debra Messing or Holly Hunter. One of those must be attractive to you. See, they don’t have to have big ones. If you’re too focused on breast size you’re narrowing the playing field more than you should and maybe missing out on a very juicy lady who meets all your other criteria.

c. Women push too hard to have sex. This may seem like the opposite of the stereotype but it’s one of the things men are complaining about. Maybe they’re just needing to get laid, or maybe they think that’s what a man wants. But a man who has plunked down several thousand dollars is looking for someone to settle down with. He needs to respect the woman he chooses. Yes, I know, there’s a double standard, but he assumes that if you’re too quick to hop into bed with him, that’s what you do with all men. Plus, he want’s to get to know you first. What a concept.

d. Women don’t wear make-up on their dates. This one really surprised me. I had no idea this was going on. But what they tell the Matchmakers is that “he should appreciate the real me.” It’s the same thing women who are overweight say. It’s not that men like makeup, it’s that you cared enough to make the effort. I know for me, Chris says I don’t need make-up. And there’s some truth to that, as far as he’s concerned. But if that’s completely true, why does he perk up with lots of compliments about how great I look when I spiff up to go out with him. Ladies, too much make-up is bad but no make-up is worse.

there’s lots more to share with you, which is why I’m designing the Dating seminars that you can attend (via telephone conference) beginning in September. To get on my mailing list and learn more sign up for my newsletter to the left. You’ll be the first to know.

With much love,
Kara

You know that I’m always harping on being beautiful, that that is the best way to get men to respond positively to you. And you know, especially if you’ve read Men Made Easy, that to get a man to love you and stay in love is not so much how beautiful you are physically but whether or not you treat him and behave in a beautiful way. Well, a phenomenon that I’ve noticed is that when I have one little, tiny, itsy, bitsy thing cause me to get a little bit off center, then the next thing, which could be just as insignificant, causes me to react more strongly than if that first thing hadn’t pushed my buttons. Does that happen to you? Once that gets started then everything seems to upset me. I call this the Doo-Doo Magnet Syndrome. It’s like you become a magnet for doo-doo once you are even a little bit off center. I’m mentioning this because it plays into the pit bull thing. When this gets going, if I want it to stop, I switch over to thinking of my many blessings, all that I’m grateful for. It always disconnects the doo-doo magnet and makes me feel a whole lot better. Try it the next time the doo-doo starts piling up. You’ll be much more beautiful.

Do you get an idea into your head about something that’s bothering you and then can’t let go of it? I do this to myself sometimes. I get going on something and it becomes all I think about. Usually it’s some kind of fear or concern about what might be, and it’s generally not grounded in anything real. It’s funny, well, not really, that we seem to do this with negative thoughts and not positive thoughts. At least I do.

I just found this from a 2002 newsletter and thought it would be fun to share it with you:

No woman should ever change herself just to get a man to want her. She should never change for the sake of change, rather she should “improve” herself to become her best, most magnificent self because she loves herself, feels she’s worthy of all the best that life has to offer. Any efforts to improve herself for a man should be because she respects the man totally and completely and want’s to rise to a higher level to meet him. Self-improvement should be a lifelong path toward greater levels of happiness and spiritual joy. By spiritual I mean appreciating the gift of life and all that exists in the universe.

I hope that all makes sense. If you ever need to go inside and do some serious soul-searching for the answers that are already inside of you, you can talk with your Inner Wise Woman. I have instructions for a special process in the Wise You section. ( http://www.AliveWithLove.com/wise/wise.html) It’s a really powerful process that can be used for just about any issue you’re struggling with. You have all the right answers within you, it’s just a matter of knowing how to access them.

A woman sent me an email explaining that she didn’t trust men and that she didn’t like that about herself. I don’t blame her. I think that would feel just awful and certainly would keep her from enjoying a healthy, loving relationship. The following is my advice to her. If you find yourself feeling like you don’t trust men, maybe my advice will help you:

Hi Cindy,

My intuition tells me that it’s more about trusting yourself. You need to learn to tap into your Inner Wise Woman, to hear your inner voice, which is your intuition. You need to learn to pay attention when your intuition is telling you to beware. If you ignore it, you get yourself into situations that you could have, should have, avoided if you had been listening. Some call them red flags. Most men are basically good and decent. But if you go for the bad boys, or are not that selective in who you date, you will get yourself into situations where a man can take advantage of your gullibility and naivete’. If this does not describe your behavior and you have no discernible reason to not trust men, then you probably need to do some therapy where you dig beneath the surface and sort out what happened in your childhood with your father, an uncle, a brother, a teacher, or some man you looked up to who did something to you to cause you not to trust men. If this is a possibility, pick a therapist with whome you feel really, really comfortable and know that it might take some time. If they do not offer anything that will help you heal and strengthen, only the discoveries, then you need to find someone who will. There is much that can be done with the right person.

I wish you much love,
Kara

I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his friend recently. We went into the restaurant and there was a totally hot young woman in EVERY way. As is the norm when men are with a woman, I started to follow her with them behind me. But the view of her tush was so good I thought the guys should get the best view so I stepped behind them. She seated us and her hair and face were perfection and then she tugged on her jacket and her breasts perked up and said, “Hi!” We were all very impressed. There was one thing that both men agreed on though. Because she had on that high contrast lip liner (dark brown with lighter red inside) they said they would be embarrassed to be seen with her. EMBARRASSED! That’s pretty strong, especially because she was soooo attractive. So ladies, you might rethink your lip liner choice. It should be just a smidge darker, with the lighter lipstick on the inside. Actually, every make-up artist I have seen says to blend the liner with the lipstick so that there is no line. Some say to cover the lip with liner then apply your lipstick. My favorite and what I’ve found to be most attractive on my lips is to do what Reggie, Oprah’s make-up man advists. Take a slightly darker lipstick (not liner) and apply it on the outside edges of your lips. Then put a lighter lipstick on the inner part of your lips. There is no line, the colors blend, you can do it without looking if you’re good at staying in the line, and it makes your lips look fuller and more voluptuous.

So, rather than look strange and like someone a guy would be embarrassed to be seen with, why not look sexy and voluptious? You choose.

With much love,
Kara

There’s a man I’ve been seeing at the gym for months. We have sort of smiled on occasion but nothing more. I thought I saw him at Starbucks so today, when I was at the gym and he was right next to me, I asked him if I’d seen him at the coffee shop. It wasn’t but we ended up in the nicest conversation. Here’s a line that doesn’t have to be true: “Did I see you at Starbucks on Tuesday morning?” “No, it wasn’t me.” “Well, then, there’s someone out there that looks a lot like you.” What comes next is up to you.

Then Tuesday evening an older, grumpy looking man and I were the last two left at the car wash. While we waited for the washers to finish I noticed the full moon just next to the Nordstrom tower. I asked if he’d seen it yet. It turned out he wasn’t grumpy at all and we shared a really nice conversation.

My point is that even when someone seems shut off, grumpy, or uninterested in those around them, almost always it takes very little to get a conversation started. Without a conversation, no one is going to be asking for or giving a phone number. Remember, meeting someone is a numbers game. The more people you talk to the greater your odds of finding someone. So, even though it might feel scary to start a conversation with a stranger, almost always, once you do, you’re both glad you did.

With much love and encouragement,
Kara

When I was having lunch with my friend yesterday he also mentioned one of the slippery slopes of online dating services. He said that even when you meet someone really interesting, there’s always that temptation when you get back home, no matter how great the date was, to check to see if someone even better might have just joined. He said it’s a trap that is way too easy to fall into and it keeps you from trying harder to get to know someone you’ve been out with.

If you find yourself doing this you might want to avoid that temptation (if you can) and just focus on one at a time. I’ve noticed that my girlfriend in Los Angeles does the same thing and when I tried online dating I admit I did it too. So how can we avoid missing an opportunity to get to know someone without the distraction of what’s “next” in line. Any suggestions?

I’ll think about this and write a post again this week.

Hugs for now,
Kara

I had lunch yesterday with a male friend who is looking for a life partner. He’s 63, attractive in a quirky way, has tons of money and wants a woman who is available to travel and play. He doesn’t want a professional woman who is tied to her job but he also wants a woman somewhere between 35 and 55. She doesn’t have to have lots of money but he’d like her to be financially secure so he doesn’t have to wonder if she is with him simply because he has money. But he can’t find anyone. He says most women have so much baggage from being hurt by previous men that they aren’t able to see past the hurt and just “be” with a new man.

One of the things I’ve noticed in the workshops I’ve done is that way too many women who go through divorce or big break-ups don’t use those experiences as opportunities to grow but instead just hunker down and put their energy into not being hurt and licking their wounds.

My friend described this kind of woman as someone who isn’t open to being playful, fun, interesting, interested or discovering who he is as a person. He said it’s like their energy is weak and uninviting. When he doesn’t want to spend more time with this kind of woman, this only compounds what she already believes about men, herself, and life. So the pool of possibilities gets smaller and smaller.

To compound the problem, as we get older we get more clear about what we want and don’t want, which also narrows the field. I’m thinking of doing weekly workshops that would be open to both men and women, no reservations required, in the Los Angeles area. Is there any interest out there? Each week would include a talk on a dating topic and then a mixer afterward, where singles could mingle. Let me know if there are enough of you in the Los Angeles area to create what could be something really fun. Once I get this going I would like to do the same thing in Santa Barbara because I live half time in both cities.

With much love and best wishes for 2007,
Kara