A woman wrote this week and because I didn’t respond right away, her email is somewhere on my list and I can’t find it. So here are my thoughts on getting involved with a married men: DON’T DO IT! Don’t flirt; don’t "we’re just having lunch"; don’t have "just an emotional" affair; just don’t go there. Why? Because you’re both out of integrity. That’s why we call it cheating. It’s lying, it’s stomping on promises made, it’s hurtful, it creates bad energy, bad Karma, bad everything. And, HEAR THIS, if you get involved with a man who is married, you are getting involved with a man who cheats. (more…)

In the Sept. 15 Bottom Line Personal there was an article titled The Music Cure. It talked about the healthy benefits of music from pain relief, heart help, help for stroke and Parkinson’s patients, dementia relief, and breathing difficulties.

I’m working on a book titled How To Be More Attractive, Inside and Out. If you’ve been reading my books and articles for a while you know that I’m always trying to inspire you to focus on being happier and in so doing, you’ll be more attractive. Well, music is something that I encourage, especially dancing to it, singing it or playing it. It makes sense that if it can help with physical ailments, it certainly can improve our spirits. That’s not news. But seeing that article made me realize I should remind you that for your physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being, you should listen to, dance to, sing to and play music that makes your heart sour. You’ll be happier, more pleasant to be around, sexier, and more attractive. Not a bad return for something as tiny as a CD.

Get out there and move those hips,
Kara
"Turn On The Power of Your Heart"
Kara Oh
The Heart Specialist™

I got this email this morning from a woman seeking advice. Below is my advice to her and any other woman who is ruining a perfectly good relationship because she’s focusing on the wrong thing:

Hi Kara,
I was wondering if you could help me, i love my boyfriend but he is not the romantic man i want, i really want to enjoy every bit of our relationship, i love surprises and all these sweet little things but it seems like its all faraway from him. He is an alright person he loves me and he loves and cares about my family but i really want him to be romantic!  Help me spice  my relationship
Thanx, Chloe

Dear Chloe,
Some men just aren’t going to offer the kind of romance you have in mind. It’s unfair to put that on him if he’s a loving, respectful, supportive, good  man. If you complain you’re telling him that he’s not okay the way he is, that he’s a failure at making you happy, that what he does do isn’t enough, etc. All this is emasculating and that’s the very worst thing a woman can do to a man. If everything else is good about him then you will probably blow it and chase him away.

The best way to get him to do something for you is say, "It would make me really happy if you would… buy me flowers once in a while. It would make me feel really special and loved." Then let it go. If he doesn’t remember, LET IT GO!

If he just isn’t going to do the things you have decided are romantic then you need to find something about him that IS romantic. Does he tell you he loves you? Does he walk up to you and share a hug or a kiss? Does he cuddle with you? Does he hold your hand when you’re at the movies? Does he buy you dinner? These are all romantic gestures. Focus on the things he DOES do, not what he doesn’t.

Don’t throw away a good man simply because you’ve got a fantasy about what romantic is. Open your heart and see things from his perspective instead of just yours. Be compassionate. He was brought up to "be a man" which means don’t do sissy things. Mushy, romantic stuff is generally sissy stuff. Why in the world would he be expected to turn that on when he meets a woman when his entire life has probably been to teach him to turn that part of himself off. Give him a break.

When he does do something that you feel is romantic then appreciate the heck out of him. Tell him how much you appreciate what he did, how feminine it makes you feel, how taken care of, how much his thoughtfulness means to you. And get sexy if that’s part of your relationship. That will get his attention. If you’re not at that stage then a sexy kiss will do. He’ll begin to get the point. It’s a subtle way to train a man. He wants to please you, make you happy, and get more sexy action from you so he’ll do those things that work.

I hope that helps calm you and maybe get you a little bit of romance. But remember, he’s already being romantic, just not in the way you’ve fantasized. Find that romance and start to enjoy it. Then appreciate him for what he does do and he’ll probably do more of it.

I wish you much love,
Kara
The Heart Specialist™

Professor Richard Wiseman, PhD, was just on Good Morning America with his new book, Quirkology. In the interview he said the pick-up line that works 100% of the time is, "If you were going to be a pizza topping, what topping would you be?"

What makes a pick-up line work? Any question that gets someone to relax, open up and talk about themselves. This question is not at all intimidating and certain to illicit a fun conversation.

The line I have recommended over the years is, "If you had superpowers, how would you use them?" This question is fun and it tells you something about a person’s values. If they want to gain power for themselves or if they want to do good tells you what they care about, at least at that particular time in their life. No broad judgments should be made because of their answer, however. If they’re focused on their career and getting ahead they may want to use their power to advance their success. You can follow up with a question about how caring they are such as, "Is there a way you would use your powers to help others?" Then see how they answer. When you’re looking for that special person the list of what you’re looking for should include kindness. You definitely want someone who is kind and thoughtful.

Make up a few of these kinds of questions so you’re equipped when you go to Oprah’s Obama fund-raiser Saturday night. I live in Santa Barbara but somehow she didn’t invite me. Boo, hoo. I’d spend $2 grand to be at that party. Talk about interesting conversations.

Oh yeah, the most important aspect of being a good conversationalist and getting that phone number is BE A GREAT LISTENER. Most people don’t get the pleasure of really being listened to so you’ll stand out as an amazing person. But pay attention to whether they ask you questions. If they don’t, that’s a sign that they’re self-centered, a quality you want to avoid like the plague. Give them a little slack because you’ve been asking such fun quesitons but just notice to see if they show any interest in you by reversing the questions once in a while. Or, if they haven’t asked you any questions, offer your answer to the same fun question and see how well they listen. If they don’t your response should be, "Next!"

With much love,
Kara
The Heart Specialist™

"Celebrate Life – Be Happy!"

Okay… What’s the deal with women showing up for a date without make-up? Their reasoning is that "he needs to like the real me." Well, what he sees is that the real you doesn’t care about your appearance and that you don’t have any interest in trying to put your best foot forward, to make a good impression. Men don’t like a lot of make-up but they really like that a woman puts in some effort to look nice for her date. So if you’re sincere about finding a man, show it by making the effort to look nice.

But you guys, you’re definitely not off the hook. What’s the deal with wearing a T-shirt, shorts, and flip flops? Pretty much any woman would be completely turned off. And while you’re at it, bathe. I get so many women complaining that men smell bad when they show up for a date. Maybe you had a long day but geez, it doesn’t take that long to jump in the shower, soap up, and rinse.

Why not go back to the good old days of trying to impress each other. Look your bright, shiny best. Brush your teeth, fix your hair, be clean and pressed, smile, be enthusiastic about learning about each other. Mostly, GET RID OF THE CHIP!!! Yes, you’ve been burned. Yes, you’ve been disappointed. Yes, it’s not easy. But what if you finally have "the one" sitting across from you but that chip on your shoulder is keeping you from being able to see straight.

Actually, everywhere you go, put your best foot forward and wear your brightest smile. You never know if the next person you meet might be Mr. or Ms. Right. Or maybe their brother or sister or best friend is the perfect person for you. You want that referral. When you’re selling yourself at work you do your best to shine. Well, use those work skills in your social life and see what you might be able to create.

Looking like you don’t care is NOT going to get you noticed. If you really want to find someone to share your life with (and you need to check in to see if you really do) then you need to change your attitude to one of receiving the good stuff that life is wanting to give you. But it’s not going to happen if you don’t put in the effort.

With much love,
Kara
The Heart Specialist™

"Celebrate Life – Be Happy"

I watched a new series, A Side Order of Life, recently because the title was so intriguing. In it the main character’s best friend announced that her cancer had returned, and that it had gone into her brain. After a party celebrating her life (rather than waiting for a funeral) she said through tears, "All I ever wanted out of  life was… everything." Right before that tender moment there was a song being sung, "I’m feeling my way through the dark."

At the risk of being corny, I’m going to share my heart with you and I hope that’s okay. It might not sound like relationship advice, but trust me, it is…

Inspired by those two thought-provoking lines from that show, I challenge you to really look at your life. Are you living with gusto? Are you saying "yes" to life? Are you loving as if there was no tomorrow? Or are you holding back, hanging on to anger or resentment, settling, unable to speak up and ask for what you want, or waiting for the "right time"?

I believe, deep inside every cell of my being, that we are on this planet to learn how to love and be loved more fully. Even if what you’re focusing on right now is to be successful in your work and earn more money, to do so requires that you love yourself. Yes, don’t argue with me because it’s true. You must love yourself in order to believe in yourself and you must believe in yourself to accomplish any goal.

If you have a partner that you love and who loves you, let go of anything and everything that keeps you from opening your heart completely. If opening your heart is not a safe thing to do, then I ask you, "Why are you with this person?" If you’re single and looking for that special person to love get out there with the intention of allowing your heart to reach out to the next man you meet. You’ll know if he’s someone you should get to know better, or someone you should simply acknowledge as a fellow traveler, on the same quest for love.

I have recently had a lightning bolt realization that my work is to show people how to turn on the power of their hearts. If you turn on your heart and open to the love that is yours to create, you won’t have to "feel your way through the dark." Your heart will be
a beacon, shining it’s light on all the places that offer more experiences of love. Romantic love, friend love, family love, even  moments of love shared between strangers. Most important is that when you allow your heart to guide you, your self-love will keep you connected to your intuition-your deep wisdom-so that you make wise choices in what you do and who you spend your precious time with. Fear is what gets us off track and fear is simply an absence of love.

I have probably been rambling but I needed to share with you that you can count on me to offer my insights in order to help you turn  on the power of your heart. Look for heart turn-ons this week. Notice when your spirit gets tickled. Smile at strangers. Do a good deed for someone and don’t tell anyone. Tell everyone you love how
you feel. Be grateful, out loud, for all your blessing. And even life’s most challenging lessons are blessings.

Again, I quote, "All I wanted out of life was… everything." It’s your life, live it fully.

By the way, Chris, my fiance’, surprised me with the most beautiful engagement  ring I’ve ever seen. Even at sixty-two and fifty-nine, we’re living life, loving as if there was no tomorrow, and thrilled to be alive. I invite you to do the same…

With a heart overflowing with love,
Kara

"Celebrate Life-Be Happy!"

P.S. To learn how to
Turn On the Power of Your Heart
visit AliveWithLove.com often:
http://www.AliveWithLove.com

Kara Oh
The Heart Specialist™
P.O. Box 21803
Santa Barbara, CA 93121
Ph: 805-687-2448

I was watching a commercial recently and the woman was rolling her eyes because of something her husband had done. That got me to thinking how harmful eye rolling is in a relationship. Whenever you roll your eyes at someone, anyone, what you’re saying is that that person is being foolish, or worse; that you know better than they do; and that, at least in that moment, you don’t have much respect for them.

If you’ve ever had someone roll their eyes at something you’ve said or done, you know how it feels. If you haven’t, then imagine how your partner would feel if you said all the words that the eye roll implies. If you’re a basically nice person, you probably wouldn’t say the words at all. The eye roll is the equivalent of flipping someone off in the car. If someone bumped into you at a store, you’d say excuse me not get angry. I know I go on-and-on about this, but you CANNOT expect to inspire love and romance if you aren’t being kind, thoughtful, respectful and loving toward your partner. If you really want to keep things moving along in a positive direction then open your heart and start being loving…all of the time.

That may seem impossible to you. But even when you’re having a disagreement, you can do so in a loving way. That means, don’t do or say anything that will be hurtful. I tend to shut down and go inside when I’m upset. My boyfriend, Chris, is unwilling to let that go. He used to just go off until I came around because it hurt his feelings for me to shut him out. I’ve told him that I don’t like isolating myself, but that I do it out of many years of habit (29 year marriage). So now he comes to me immediately and wants to know exactly what’s going on. Then he wants to discuss it until it gets resolved. It always does and we’ve always stayed loving, even when it gets heated, because we’re committed to growing our love, each and every day. It’s all about the commitment to yourself though. If you feel like you’re with a person who makes you be a better person, then you must commit to your own, ongoing, personal growth as a top priority. Not a simple endeavor, but always, always well worth all the effort you put into it.

Here’s something to think about, if your relationships are going well (with everyone you are interested in or care about) then you’re doing well. If they’re not, you need to look inside and sort out what’s going on. No matter what the other person might be doing, it’s always about you. If you shouldn’t be with them, what’s going on within you that you’re still there? If they irritate you, why aren’t you saying something loving to communicate that something is causing a problem in your relationship. If you’re not getting something you need from your partner, why aren’t you speaking up? None of this is easy. It’s an ongoing, ever evolving path toward opening your heart.

If you’re dating: When you’re getting to know someone it’s easier to be on your best behavior. Rather than just faking it for a while, why not consciously use that time to actually, consciously change your way of being. Change yourself into a kind, loving, generous, joyful, positive, open hearted person. That will make you more attractive than any new outfit or lipstick. Here’s a great way to ingrain this new behavior, taking off from what I said earlier, about learning for your sake: When you say anything about an ex (and don’t until he invites you, then say as little as possible by changing the subject quickly) be kind and focus on what you learned, how it made you a better person, and that you’re grateful for the experience. One of the things men have told me over and over is that they’re more often than not, completely turned off when a woman starts in on all the bad things her ex did.

Someone asked me about this recently so I thought I’d offer my thoughts here.

I think it’s good to stay friendly with past husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, as long as the relationship was, overall, healthy. If that person was meaningful to us, if we shared love, and especially if we shared having children, it’s good for our soul to honor what was good in that relationship and the lessons we learned.

I hope you won’t mind, but I need to digress a bit: If you haven’t done this process yet, of discovering the lessons to be learned, especially if the relationship has you still angry or hurt, I would highly recommend it. I am a strong believer that we are drawn to people, all kinds, not just lovers, because there are lessons to be learned, on both sides. The bigger place they hold in our lives, the more and bigger the lessons to be learned. You can go back to any experience (no matter what it was and with whom and discover the gold buried there. Even something that happened when you were 4 years old.) The gold is whatever lessons can be mined that will enhance, improve, or enrich our lives. If you want to learn how to do this process you can go here:
http://www.AliveWithLove.com/wise/lessons.html

Okay, back to those old lovers. The operative word here is friends. What do you mean by friends. If you hang out with them, go to movies with them, go to lunch or dinner, go hiking, you’re playing with fire. Fire because you could re-ignite old feelings and fire because you are most likely hurting your partner. I am friendly with my ex-husband of 29 years. We had kids together. We work together whenever he hires me to do interior design work (I was an interior designer in Montecito for ten years) on one of his projects. When we’re in the middle of a project, occasionally, we’ll go to lunch. We talk on the phone once in a while to catch up. But that’s it. Because we have kids together, and own property together, and are friendly, we also enjoy family functions where I bring my fiance’ Chris and he brings his wife. So instead of calling my ex a friend, I say we’re friendly.

With much love,
Kara

I read today that romance is the reason relationships are floundering so badly. I agree that romance sets up unreasonable expectations. So it’s actually not the romance but the expectations that are the curse.

I believe that expectations are a pathway to disappointment. I think romance can be sustained if a couple is able to communicate what they enjoy their partner doing for them, then being extremely appreciative. I hear so many women say, "He ought to know what I like." That’s unfair and downright mean to make him bad and wrong for not being able to read your mind. And men tend to focus on the more practical things. In a loving relationship, he wants you to tell him what he can do to make you happy.

If a couple stays respectful, compassionate, kind, loving, and passionate, they will automatically enjoy making their partner happy. But the moment a woman begins to make demands or demeans her partner, he is very quickly going to pull away in order to protect himself. If a man is disrespectful and takes his woman’s thoughtful deeds for granted, she is going to become resentful.

Once the out-of-control heat of passion dies down, a couple has to have moved to a deeper love to care enough to be romantic. And being romantic is actually just wanting to do things for our partner that makes them  happy and feel loved. As long as you enjoy putting a smile on your partner’s face, you’ll be one of those special couples who still enjoys romance, no matter how long you’ve been together.

With much love,
Kara

I was at Trader Joes yesterday and began to notice how sour many of the women looked. Their mouths literally turned down. As I became more aware of what I was noticing I decided to look and see if they were married or single. Strangely every woman with a sour face was single. Now I have no idea if these women would like to be married. Maybe they love being single and independent, maybe they’re lesbians. The following comments are irrelevant if these women would prefer to be recluses and don’t want friends or lovers. Maybe they’ve learned that frowning is the very best way to keep people at arm’s length.

It’s funny but the woman who walked in with me, got me started on this train of noticing, who had the worst frown of all, is the same woman who was in the check-out line right in front of me. I caught her eye and gave her a big smile. I thought her face was going to break but she was able to get her face to smile. But I kept watching her and, like a rubber band, it snapped right back to the frown, which was obviously her natural state because of how severe the downward turn of her mouth was. I don’t think I could even force my mouth into such a shape.

So here’s the rub. If sourpusses want friends, this is no way to attract them. Those sour faces are as good as mace. If they’re looking for lovers, of either gender, it’s having the same affect…repellent.

I can’t help it if I’m always looking for what’s going on in the arena of love and romance. I do know there’s more to think about than that. So what about this: This planet could use more love, all around. That’s probably an overwhelming task for most of us. So what if you just decide to impact your own sphere. Let’s say that as you move about at work, in stores, at church, meetings, etc. you’re able to have an effect (I sure hope I got the affect/effect thing right) on say a 30 foot range in front of you. I chose 30 feet because that’s probably the farthest distance from which people will really notice you.

So if you’re able to share that sour face with everyone that comes within 30 feet of you, all day, every day, think of how many people you can make feel bad, or want to avoid your negative energy.

Turn that around and imagine the impact you can have if you carry a happy face around. What if you take that to the next step and speak to people in a playful way, say complimentary things to them, tease them, make them smile and laugh. If you do that throughout the day, some of those people will pass it along and become playful with others with whom they interact. You could make hundreds of people feel better and smile more just because you shared your happiness with them.

Maybe it’s not being a Mother Theresa, but if we all did that, all day, every day, everywhere we went, do you think the planet might be a better place for us all?

And back to the romance thing. How attractive is a sour person compared to a happy person? A man is walking through Trader Joe’s. There’s a great looking sour woman and a pretty good looking happy woman. Which one is he most likely to want to get to know? And when a woman is in that same store, is the sour ma going to cause her heart to flutter or the man who smiles aat her? You decide.

I wish you much love and happiness,
Kara Oh