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In the Sept. 15 Bottom Line Personal there was an article titled The Music Cure. It talked about the healthy benefits of music from pain relief, heart help, help for stroke and Parkinson’s patients, dementia relief, and breathing difficulties.

I’m working on a book titled How To Be More Attractive, Inside and Out. If you’ve been reading my books and articles for a while you know that I’m always trying to inspire you to focus on being happier and in so doing, you’ll be more attractive. Well, music is something that I encourage, especially dancing to it, singing it or playing it. It makes sense that if it can help with physical ailments, it certainly can improve our spirits. That’s not news. But seeing that article made me realize I should remind you that for your physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being, you should listen to, dance to, sing to and play music that makes your heart sour. You’ll be happier, more pleasant to be around, sexier, and more attractive. Not a bad return for something as tiny as a CD.

Get out there and move those hips,
Kara
"Turn On The Power of Your Heart"
Kara Oh
The Heart Specialist™

I was watching a commercial recently and the woman was rolling her eyes because of something her husband had done. That got me to thinking how harmful eye rolling is in a relationship. Whenever you roll your eyes at someone, anyone, what you’re saying is that that person is being foolish, or worse; that you know better than they do; and that, at least in that moment, you don’t have much respect for them.

If you’ve ever had someone roll their eyes at something you’ve said or done, you know how it feels. If you haven’t, then imagine how your partner would feel if you said all the words that the eye roll implies. If you’re a basically nice person, you probably wouldn’t say the words at all. The eye roll is the equivalent of flipping someone off in the car. If someone bumped into you at a store, you’d say excuse me not get angry. I know I go on-and-on about this, but you CANNOT expect to inspire love and romance if you aren’t being kind, thoughtful, respectful and loving toward your partner. If you really want to keep things moving along in a positive direction then open your heart and start being loving…all of the time.

That may seem impossible to you. But even when you’re having a disagreement, you can do so in a loving way. That means, don’t do or say anything that will be hurtful. I tend to shut down and go inside when I’m upset. My boyfriend, Chris, is unwilling to let that go. He used to just go off until I came around because it hurt his feelings for me to shut him out. I’ve told him that I don’t like isolating myself, but that I do it out of many years of habit (29 year marriage). So now he comes to me immediately and wants to know exactly what’s going on. Then he wants to discuss it until it gets resolved. It always does and we’ve always stayed loving, even when it gets heated, because we’re committed to growing our love, each and every day. It’s all about the commitment to yourself though. If you feel like you’re with a person who makes you be a better person, then you must commit to your own, ongoing, personal growth as a top priority. Not a simple endeavor, but always, always well worth all the effort you put into it.

Here’s something to think about, if your relationships are going well (with everyone you are interested in or care about) then you’re doing well. If they’re not, you need to look inside and sort out what’s going on. No matter what the other person might be doing, it’s always about you. If you shouldn’t be with them, what’s going on within you that you’re still there? If they irritate you, why aren’t you saying something loving to communicate that something is causing a problem in your relationship. If you’re not getting something you need from your partner, why aren’t you speaking up? None of this is easy. It’s an ongoing, ever evolving path toward opening your heart.

If you’re dating: When you’re getting to know someone it’s easier to be on your best behavior. Rather than just faking it for a while, why not consciously use that time to actually, consciously change your way of being. Change yourself into a kind, loving, generous, joyful, positive, open hearted person. That will make you more attractive than any new outfit or lipstick. Here’s a great way to ingrain this new behavior, taking off from what I said earlier, about learning for your sake: When you say anything about an ex (and don’t until he invites you, then say as little as possible by changing the subject quickly) be kind and focus on what you learned, how it made you a better person, and that you’re grateful for the experience. One of the things men have told me over and over is that they’re more often than not, completely turned off when a woman starts in on all the bad things her ex did.

I read today that romance is the reason relationships are floundering so badly. I agree that romance sets up unreasonable expectations. So it’s actually not the romance but the expectations that are the curse.

I believe that expectations are a pathway to disappointment. I think romance can be sustained if a couple is able to communicate what they enjoy their partner doing for them, then being extremely appreciative. I hear so many women say, "He ought to know what I like." That’s unfair and downright mean to make him bad and wrong for not being able to read your mind. And men tend to focus on the more practical things. In a loving relationship, he wants you to tell him what he can do to make you happy.

If a couple stays respectful, compassionate, kind, loving, and passionate, they will automatically enjoy making their partner happy. But the moment a woman begins to make demands or demeans her partner, he is very quickly going to pull away in order to protect himself. If a man is disrespectful and takes his woman’s thoughtful deeds for granted, she is going to become resentful.

Once the out-of-control heat of passion dies down, a couple has to have moved to a deeper love to care enough to be romantic. And being romantic is actually just wanting to do things for our partner that makes them  happy and feel loved. As long as you enjoy putting a smile on your partner’s face, you’ll be one of those special couples who still enjoys romance, no matter how long you’ve been together.

With much love,
Kara

I was at Trader Joes yesterday and began to notice how sour many of the women looked. Their mouths literally turned down. As I became more aware of what I was noticing I decided to look and see if they were married or single. Strangely every woman with a sour face was single. Now I have no idea if these women would like to be married. Maybe they love being single and independent, maybe they’re lesbians. The following comments are irrelevant if these women would prefer to be recluses and don’t want friends or lovers. Maybe they’ve learned that frowning is the very best way to keep people at arm’s length.

It’s funny but the woman who walked in with me, got me started on this train of noticing, who had the worst frown of all, is the same woman who was in the check-out line right in front of me. I caught her eye and gave her a big smile. I thought her face was going to break but she was able to get her face to smile. But I kept watching her and, like a rubber band, it snapped right back to the frown, which was obviously her natural state because of how severe the downward turn of her mouth was. I don’t think I could even force my mouth into such a shape.

So here’s the rub. If sourpusses want friends, this is no way to attract them. Those sour faces are as good as mace. If they’re looking for lovers, of either gender, it’s having the same affect…repellent.

I can’t help it if I’m always looking for what’s going on in the arena of love and romance. I do know there’s more to think about than that. So what about this: This planet could use more love, all around. That’s probably an overwhelming task for most of us. So what if you just decide to impact your own sphere. Let’s say that as you move about at work, in stores, at church, meetings, etc. you’re able to have an effect (I sure hope I got the affect/effect thing right) on say a 30 foot range in front of you. I chose 30 feet because that’s probably the farthest distance from which people will really notice you.

So if you’re able to share that sour face with everyone that comes within 30 feet of you, all day, every day, think of how many people you can make feel bad, or want to avoid your negative energy.

Turn that around and imagine the impact you can have if you carry a happy face around. What if you take that to the next step and speak to people in a playful way, say complimentary things to them, tease them, make them smile and laugh. If you do that throughout the day, some of those people will pass it along and become playful with others with whom they interact. You could make hundreds of people feel better and smile more just because you shared your happiness with them.

Maybe it’s not being a Mother Theresa, but if we all did that, all day, every day, everywhere we went, do you think the planet might be a better place for us all?

And back to the romance thing. How attractive is a sour person compared to a happy person? A man is walking through Trader Joe’s. There’s a great looking sour woman and a pretty good looking happy woman. Which one is he most likely to want to get to know? And when a woman is in that same store, is the sour ma going to cause her heart to flutter or the man who smiles aat her? You decide.

I wish you much love and happiness,
Kara Oh

What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?

Sometimes, when we get angry, our words simply pour out. We don’t think about what they mean and what impact they will have. When we get to that state we’re so deep into our feelings that we feel like we’re being swallowed up by them. People write to Ms. Magic (that’s me!) and after explaining some blow-up they had with their partner, exclaim, “I couldn’t help myself.” My response to that kind of comment is always, “Yes, you could have.”

When we are extremely angry, it feels like we can’t control ourselves. But if we get angry at work, or the phone or door bell rings in the middle of an argument, most of us do control ourselves. The biggest problem with anger is we say things that we regret later. And the other person shuts down and doesn’t hear what we are trying to communicate. It’s a no win situation no matter how you look at it. Plus, it is counter to using the power of your Feminine Grace because it is really ugly.

One of the things we often do when in the heat of an argument is say things like, “You never take me anywhere,” or “You always insult me in front of your sister.” Using the words always and never discount the times that he did take you out and the times with his sister that he did not insult you. Those words also cause your partner to put up defensive walls. Then he’s too busy defending himself and planning his comeback to be able to hear what is really going on for you.

Which comes first, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? Does one make the other blossom more fully? The reason I ask is because this weekend my boyfriend told me how sexy I was being. Until he said something I didn’t notice what was going on for me. When I started paying attention I did notice that what I was feeling was more womanly. I was really comfortable with myself (an important part of what I call Feminine Grace) and after spending 2 and a half weeks in Bali together, and even before that spending 3 weeks at his place (one day each week going back to Santa Barbara to check mail, water plants, see my mother and kids) while I worked on redecorating his house, I was also feeling more and more comfortable with him and our “usness”.

For most of the time we have been together he has been uncomfortable with my independence. He’s explained that he’s always been a couple because he has never had kids and never dated any before me that had kids and had a strong sense of family and nurturing. He likes being a couple and having a strong sense of coupleness with any woman he has been with. I have worked hard over the years that I have been single to develop my independence and I’m proud and happy with it. He doesn’t want me to ever give that up, but it hurts him when I am feeling independent (separate, doing “the thing” that I talk about in my therapy sessions). Now, as I’ve been settling into being more of a couple, the way I felt when I was married, I’m even more exciting to him.

So now I get to notice that as I feel more comfortable, I feel more womanly, and as a consequence, at least to my boyfriend, I am more sexy. I’ve also noticed men looking at me differently so maybe it’s showing up all over the place. Men have taught me that they find confident, open, happy women the most attractive. With the help of a lot of work on myself, I’ve become all those things but “the thing” that stand-off-ishness, has definitely gotten in the way of having closer relationships with people of both genders. But I digress, as I’m prone to do.

My questions to you is: Which comes first for you, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? And what does each feel like, what do you do to transmit those feelings to men or your man? How do men respond, etc. Let’s talk about it.

With much love,
Kara

I just finished watching Sleepless in Seatle and at the end Jimmy Durante sings “Make Someone Happy”. Here’s the lyrics:

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy;
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you,
One girl you’re ev’rything to.

Fame if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where’s the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you’ve found her, build your world around her.

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy,
And you will be happy, too.

I think one of the reasons so many relationships fail is that people are focused on what they want, rather than what they can give. I often help women determine what qualities they are looking in for a man but sometimes I forget to tell them to make a list of what they are willing to give and what they feel they have to offer a man. It’s a good exercise and one that I think each of us, even if we are in a relationship and married for years, could benefit from doing.

If you are more focused on making your partner happy than on how they can make you happy (or worse, how they are failing to make you happy) then I think most relationships would have a whole lot better chance of success.

Why not make your list right now. Or if you are involved, why not make a game of the two of you making a list and then sharing it. This could be a wonderfully romantic thing to do over wine and cheese in the park. If you do this, would you write back and share how it went?

Good luck,
Kara

I went to a Fiona Apple concert last night at the Santa Barabara Bowl. I had never heard of her but my son and his girlfriend invited me and my boyfriend to join them. Fiona was very entertaining. We were in the 7th row so we could really enjoy her intensity. What I noticed and wanted to comment on is how a very large percentage of the girls and young women were very much over weight. I don't mean a few extra pounds. I'm talking about enough extra weight that their health, if not already, will one day in the near future be at risk.