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My boyfriend and I saw The Last Kiss last evening. When the guy says to his fiance, after sleeping with someone else, “Come on, we can go back to the way it was,” my boyfriend said, “Yeah, you can,” and I said, “No, you can’t.” Obviously, we had an interesting discussion after the movie. I told him what I advise when someone writes to me wanting to know how to go back to the way it was. Here’s what I tell people:

You can never again go back to the way it was. When you first fall in love there’s a kind of nieve trust that occurs. I call it the “Bubble of Trust”. It’s actually kind of sweet. When someone lies, sneaks around, or especially cheats, that bubble bursts. It’s impossible to build that bubble again. Poof, just like that, it’s gone. So what do you do if you want to stay together?

My advice is that you need to start over, from scratch, as if it was a brand new relationship, which, actually, it is. You should both write out, in great detail, what it means to be in a relationship (or marriage) what you want out of it, what you are willing to do to make the relationship work, what you expect your partner to do, and what kind of plan you think would bring you back together.

Then you get together and share what you wrote. What this will do is cause you to, maybe for the first time, really talk to each other. Find out some things that were left unsaid. Sometimes we want to ask certain questions but are afraid to find out the truth. Like asking if he wants kids before you get married. That seems such an obvious thing that should be discussed, but it happens all the time. Even asking, “What does it mean to be in a committed relationship,” is a question that is rarely asked.

Then, together, you need to come up with a plan for building this new relationship and a plan for talking about how it’s going and what alterations need to be made to the original plan. This will force you to become more open with each other, to have more heart-felt conversations, to get both of your needs met, and potentially, bring you closer than before the affair. I know of several relationships that actually improved after an affair.

One thing that has to happen is the affair must be put away. Look at it as part of the past that occurred before you got together. I advise you do some kind of ritual where you bury it, burn it, or flush it down the toilet. Whatever it takes to get it out of your lives so you aren’t talking or thinking about it all the time. In the ritual offer some kind of prayer or promises to each other with a new commitment to each other and to your love.

If you look at this new relationship you are buildling, together, as truly new, than the cheating can be looked at as an old girlfriend or boyfriend, like something that occurred before you got together. Yes, there is a time where you will wonder if he or she is going to cheat again. But that is always out there. If you dwell on that though, you will not be able to build a better relationship. You will both go down in flames. That’s why a ritual is so important.

You both must take responsibility for the cheating. It takes two to be in a relationship. Don’t blame each other but determine what wasn’t quite right and go about doing everything you can to create something better, something more open and honest. It will take time, it will take caring enough to let your hurt and ego go, but it can be a wonderful opening to deeper intimacy and a much closer bond.

With much love,
Kara