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The more time I spend studying the world of romance, love, relationships, and men, the more I am convinced about why women lose interest in sex. Aside from resentment, which I think is the greatest killer of love and passion, more often than not I think women lose interest in sex because most men don’t have a clue about what it takes to be a good lover. I’m not even talking about a great lover. Those are rare and usually if they’re too good, they’re also pretty likely to need lots of variety. They didn’t get good by reading Shakespeare.
The problem is that most men aren’t able to receive advice on the topic of their sexual abilities. And even for those who do want to learn, they don’t know what it means to have a softer touch, or to kiss more sensuously, or to simply slow down the process and pay enough attention to read the signs of how the woman is progressing. And when you think about it, how would most men learn to be good in bed? There’s nothing in our society that is meant to teach men the finer points of sexual ability.
I happen to think that women are, overall, more sexual than men. That’s because women are more sensual. They are more inclined to enjoy the world through their senses because they are more in touch with their senses and with their bodies. They have been encouraged all their lives to be open to what the senses can tell. So it stands to reason that they are more sensually inclined when it comes to sex. When a sensually open woman has a partner who isn’t very sensitive to the full possibilities of sexual expression, she’s frustrated and eventually prefers not to have sex at all. When a man is too rough, lacks knowledge of female sexuality, and is too quick to “get to the point” the woman loses interest very quickly.
In my workshops, “Embracing Our Sensual Selves” I asked the women what they would like me to tell the men in their workshops and in my writing. Always, always most of them would emplore, “Tell them to slow down. And tell them that what they think is slow, should be at least doubled in time.”
I would really like to get your feedback on this because I am preparing an article for a major magazine. Would you please write to me and give me your comments and experiences on this topic. You can write to me here. I would really, really appreciate as much feedback from both men and women as possible. Please give me specifics about what makes a man or woman a good lover and what makes them a bad lover. Let’s have some fun with this so we can all learn.
By the way, for any men who might be interested in actually being a great lover, you might want to take a look at my eBook
Easy. I offer great detail about what it takes to be a great lover, not to just “score.”
With much love,
Kara
July 10th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
Part of the reason I became celibate was because of the lack of tenderness throughout the lovemaking. Yes, he was sweet, but after a while, he’d become more focused on getting to his destination point, versus taking me with him. Thus, I have never reached climax during ***. Sad, but true. I suppose I never felt secure enough to allow myself to be taken there. Don’t get me wrong - I have had a good lover before, but considering my lack of consistent good *** - I certainly have to rethink “good”.
July 21st, 2006 at 3:05 pm
Your site is on top of my favourites - Great work I like it.
August 8th, 2006 at 10:50 am
Hi Kara,
I’d like to log in as a couples therapist with 25 years experience. Yes, I agree that men tend to be particularly insensitive, and act as if they’re masturbating when making love. *** is a dialogue between two people, and all dialogues depend upon verbal and nonverbal communication. Unfortunately, I find that women, who are clearly more communicative than men, clam up when it comes to talking to us about their needs, desires, and fantasies. Yes, women complain, and rightly so, but as a therapist, I can’t recall the last time a woman told me that she compassionately talked to her lover about how she likes to be touched. The key is “compassionately,” for many women just push their men away and say, with irritation, “That’s not how I like being touched; don’t stick your tongue in my mouth; go slower…,” etc. Well, this is poor communication. It’s filled with a bunch of “no’s” and commands, so the poor guy gets defensive and then he can’t hear. When I ask couples in my office to talk about how they want to be loved, it is the woman who becomes mysteriously silent. She gets embarrassed, or worse, has the fantasy that a many should read her mind. Men can barely read their own mind, let alone another’s! But if the woman lovingly explains what she desires, many men will listen (maybe because I’m there to make sure he does!). When I ask men to say back what they heard, they do a poor job, however, and this just means that they haven’t learned the art of communication. Women need to be patient and repetitive, but because they’ve been silent for years, all their frustration pops out. That’s unfair to men. Men, however, want to be rewarded if they do learn how to please their women, and here’s where another problem comes in. Lots of women only want to be loving in their way; they don’t like what men ask for, and many feel they have the right to say no. Well, it’s a double standard, and it hurts men’s feelings, at least those men who have feelings. I often send couples home with a homework assignment: give each other a kissing lesson, then take turns being each other’s *** slave for a couple of hours (you can only do what your partner tells you to do, and you can only ask your partner to do things they don’t find repugnant). This forces both couples to communicate in a loving playful way. But how many women or men follow a therapist’s advice when it comes to sensuality? Sadly, maybe only one in five or ten. In my experience, both men and women have a long way to go to learn how to listen and respond compassionately to others.