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I was watching a commercial recently and the woman was rolling her eyes because of something her husband had done. That got me to thinking how harmful eye rolling is in a relationship. Whenever you roll your eyes at someone, anyone, what you’re saying is that that person is being foolish, or worse; that you know better than they do; and that, at least in that moment, you don’t have much respect for them.

If you’ve ever had someone roll their eyes at something you’ve said or done, you know how it feels. If you haven’t, then imagine how your partner would feel if you said all the words that the eye roll implies. If you’re a basically nice person, you probably wouldn’t say the words at all. The eye roll is the equivalent of flipping someone off in the car. If someone bumped into you at a store, you’d say excuse me not get angry. I know I go on-and-on about this, but you CANNOT expect to inspire love and romance if you aren’t being kind, thoughtful, respectful and loving toward your partner. If you really want to keep things moving along in a positive direction then open your heart and start being loving…all of the time.

That may seem impossible to you. But even when you’re having a disagreement, you can do so in a loving way. That means, don’t do or say anything that will be hurtful. I tend to shut down and go inside when I’m upset. My boyfriend, Chris, is unwilling to let that go. He used to just go off until I came around because it hurt his feelings for me to shut him out. I’ve told him that I don’t like isolating myself, but that I do it out of many years of habit (29 year marriage). So now he comes to me immediately and wants to know exactly what’s going on. Then he wants to discuss it until it gets resolved. It always does and we’ve always stayed loving, even when it gets heated, because we’re committed to growing our love, each and every day. It’s all about the commitment to yourself though. If you feel like you’re with a person who makes you be a better person, then you must commit to your own, ongoing, personal growth as a top priority. Not a simple endeavor, but always, always well worth all the effort you put into it.

Here’s something to think about, if your relationships are going well (with everyone you are interested in or care about) then you’re doing well. If they’re not, you need to look inside and sort out what’s going on. No matter what the other person might be doing, it’s always about you. If you shouldn’t be with them, what’s going on within you that you’re still there? If they irritate you, why aren’t you saying something loving to communicate that something is causing a problem in your relationship. If you’re not getting something you need from your partner, why aren’t you speaking up? None of this is easy. It’s an ongoing, ever evolving path toward opening your heart.

If you’re dating: When you’re getting to know someone it’s easier to be on your best behavior. Rather than just faking it for a while, why not consciously use that time to actually, consciously change your way of being. Change yourself into a kind, loving, generous, joyful, positive, open hearted person. That will make you more attractive than any new outfit or lipstick. Here’s a great way to ingrain this new behavior, taking off from what I said earlier, about learning for your sake: When you say anything about an ex (and don’t until he invites you, then say as little as possible by changing the subject quickly) be kind and focus on what you learned, how it made you a better person, and that you’re grateful for the experience. One of the things men have told me over and over is that they’re more often than not, completely turned off when a woman starts in on all the bad things her ex did.

Someone asked me about this recently so I thought I’d offer my thoughts here.

I think it’s good to stay friendly with past husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, as long as the relationship was, overall, healthy. If that person was meaningful to us, if we shared love, and especially if we shared having children, it’s good for our soul to honor what was good in that relationship and the lessons we learned.

I hope you won’t mind, but I need to digress a bit: If you haven’t done this process yet, of discovering the lessons to be learned, especially if the relationship has you still angry or hurt, I would highly recommend it. I am a strong believer that we are drawn to people, all kinds, not just lovers, because there are lessons to be learned, on both sides. The bigger place they hold in our lives, the more and bigger the lessons to be learned. You can go back to any experience (no matter what it was and with whom and discover the gold buried there. Even something that happened when you were 4 years old.) The gold is whatever lessons can be mined that will enhance, improve, or enrich our lives. If you want to learn how to do this process you can go here:
http://www.AliveWithLove.com/wise/lessons.html

Okay, back to those old lovers. The operative word here is friends. What do you mean by friends. If you hang out with them, go to movies with them, go to lunch or dinner, go hiking, you’re playing with fire. Fire because you could re-ignite old feelings and fire because you are most likely hurting your partner. I am friendly with my ex-husband of 29 years. We had kids together. We work together whenever he hires me to do interior design work (I was an interior designer in Montecito for ten years) on one of his projects. When we’re in the middle of a project, occasionally, we’ll go to lunch. We talk on the phone once in a while to catch up. But that’s it. Because we have kids together, and own property together, and are friendly, we also enjoy family functions where I bring my fiance’ Chris and he brings his wife. So instead of calling my ex a friend, I say we’re friendly.

With much love,
Kara

I read today that romance is the reason relationships are floundering so badly. I agree that romance sets up unreasonable expectations. So it’s actually not the romance but the expectations that are the curse.

I believe that expectations are a pathway to disappointment. I think romance can be sustained if a couple is able to communicate what they enjoy their partner doing for them, then being extremely appreciative. I hear so many women say, "He ought to know what I like." That’s unfair and downright mean to make him bad and wrong for not being able to read your mind. And men tend to focus on the more practical things. In a loving relationship, he wants you to tell him what he can do to make you happy.

If a couple stays respectful, compassionate, kind, loving, and passionate, they will automatically enjoy making their partner happy. But the moment a woman begins to make demands or demeans her partner, he is very quickly going to pull away in order to protect himself. If a man is disrespectful and takes his woman’s thoughtful deeds for granted, she is going to become resentful.

Once the out-of-control heat of passion dies down, a couple has to have moved to a deeper love to care enough to be romantic. And being romantic is actually just wanting to do things for our partner that makes them  happy and feel loved. As long as you enjoy putting a smile on your partner’s face, you’ll be one of those special couples who still enjoys romance, no matter how long you’ve been together.

With much love,
Kara

I was at Trader Joes yesterday and began to notice how sour many of the women looked. Their mouths literally turned down. As I became more aware of what I was noticing I decided to look and see if they were married or single. Strangely every woman with a sour face was single. Now I have no idea if these women would like to be married. Maybe they love being single and independent, maybe they’re lesbians. The following comments are irrelevant if these women would prefer to be recluses and don’t want friends or lovers. Maybe they’ve learned that frowning is the very best way to keep people at arm’s length.

It’s funny but the woman who walked in with me, got me started on this train of noticing, who had the worst frown of all, is the same woman who was in the check-out line right in front of me. I caught her eye and gave her a big smile. I thought her face was going to break but she was able to get her face to smile. But I kept watching her and, like a rubber band, it snapped right back to the frown, which was obviously her natural state because of how severe the downward turn of her mouth was. I don’t think I could even force my mouth into such a shape.

So here’s the rub. If sourpusses want friends, this is no way to attract them. Those sour faces are as good as mace. If they’re looking for lovers, of either gender, it’s having the same affect…repellent.

I can’t help it if I’m always looking for what’s going on in the arena of love and romance. I do know there’s more to think about than that. So what about this: This planet could use more love, all around. That’s probably an overwhelming task for most of us. So what if you just decide to impact your own sphere. Let’s say that as you move about at work, in stores, at church, meetings, etc. you’re able to have an effect (I sure hope I got the affect/effect thing right) on say a 30 foot range in front of you. I chose 30 feet because that’s probably the farthest distance from which people will really notice you.

So if you’re able to share that sour face with everyone that comes within 30 feet of you, all day, every day, think of how many people you can make feel bad, or want to avoid your negative energy.

Turn that around and imagine the impact you can have if you carry a happy face around. What if you take that to the next step and speak to people in a playful way, say complimentary things to them, tease them, make them smile and laugh. If you do that throughout the day, some of those people will pass it along and become playful with others with whom they interact. You could make hundreds of people feel better and smile more just because you shared your happiness with them.

Maybe it’s not being a Mother Theresa, but if we all did that, all day, every day, everywhere we went, do you think the planet might be a better place for us all?

And back to the romance thing. How attractive is a sour person compared to a happy person? A man is walking through Trader Joe’s. There’s a great looking sour woman and a pretty good looking happy woman. Which one is he most likely to want to get to know? And when a woman is in that same store, is the sour ma going to cause her heart to flutter or the man who smiles aat her? You decide.

I wish you much love and happiness,
Kara Oh

What is the Goal of An Argument: Combat or Communication?

Sometimes, when we get angry, our words simply pour out. We don’t think about what they mean and what impact they will have. When we get to that state we’re so deep into our feelings that we feel like we’re being swallowed up by them. People write to Ms. Magic (that’s me!) and after explaining some blow-up they had with their partner, exclaim, “I couldn’t help myself.” My response to that kind of comment is always, “Yes, you could have.”

When we are extremely angry, it feels like we can’t control ourselves. But if we get angry at work, or the phone or door bell rings in the middle of an argument, most of us do control ourselves. The biggest problem with anger is we say things that we regret later. And the other person shuts down and doesn’t hear what we are trying to communicate. It’s a no win situation no matter how you look at it. Plus, it is counter to using the power of your Feminine Grace because it is really ugly.

One of the things we often do when in the heat of an argument is say things like, “You never take me anywhere,” or “You always insult me in front of your sister.” Using the words always and never discount the times that he did take you out and the times with his sister that he did not insult you. Those words also cause your partner to put up defensive walls. Then he’s too busy defending himself and planning his comeback to be able to hear what is really going on for you.

I’ve been talking to professional Matchmakers and I’m learning a lot. If you’re dating here are just some of the things you need to know because you might be doing some of these things without realizing it…and wondering why there’s no interest in another date:

a. Women approach dating the same way they do work, set the goal then conquer it. Men tell them that when they go on a first date with some women they feel like they’re on a job interview. I recommend you relax and just see what happens. At the very least, you’ll meet someone new. And leave that power suit at home. Dress like you enjoy being a woman.

b. Men are too picky about how they need a woman’s body to be. Gentlemen, you’re getting way too hung up on breast size. I recommend you get a movie with Camoran Diaz, or Niomi Cambell, Kate Hudson and her mom, Goldie Hahn, Wanona Ryder, Debra Messing or Holly Hunter. One of those must be attractive to you. See, they don’t have to have big ones. If you’re too focused on breast size you’re narrowing the playing field more than you should and maybe missing out on a very juicy lady who meets all your other criteria.

c. Women push too hard to have sex. This may seem like the opposite of the stereotype but it’s one of the things men are complaining about. Maybe they’re just needing to get laid, or maybe they think that’s what a man wants. But a man who has plunked down several thousand dollars is looking for someone to settle down with. He needs to respect the woman he chooses. Yes, I know, there’s a double standard, but he assumes that if you’re too quick to hop into bed with him, that’s what you do with all men. Plus, he want’s to get to know you first. What a concept.

d. Women don’t wear make-up on their dates. This one really surprised me. I had no idea this was going on. But what they tell the Matchmakers is that “he should appreciate the real me.” It’s the same thing women who are overweight say. It’s not that men like makeup, it’s that you cared enough to make the effort. I know for me, Chris says I don’t need make-up. And there’s some truth to that, as far as he’s concerned. But if that’s completely true, why does he perk up with lots of compliments about how great I look when I spiff up to go out with him. Ladies, too much make-up is bad but no make-up is worse.

there’s lots more to share with you, which is why I’m designing the Dating seminars that you can attend (via telephone conference) beginning in September. To get on my mailing list and learn more sign up for my newsletter to the left. You’ll be the first to know.

With much love,
Kara

You know that I’m always harping on being beautiful, that that is the best way to get men to respond positively to you. And you know, especially if you’ve read Men Made Easy, that to get a man to love you and stay in love is not so much how beautiful you are physically but whether or not you treat him and behave in a beautiful way. Well, a phenomenon that I’ve noticed is that when I have one little, tiny, itsy, bitsy thing cause me to get a little bit off center, then the next thing, which could be just as insignificant, causes me to react more strongly than if that first thing hadn’t pushed my buttons. Does that happen to you? Once that gets started then everything seems to upset me. I call this the Doo-Doo Magnet Syndrome. It’s like you become a magnet for doo-doo once you are even a little bit off center. I’m mentioning this because it plays into the pit bull thing. When this gets going, if I want it to stop, I switch over to thinking of my many blessings, all that I’m grateful for. It always disconnects the doo-doo magnet and makes me feel a whole lot better. Try it the next time the doo-doo starts piling up. You’ll be much more beautiful.

Do you get an idea into your head about something that’s bothering you and then can’t let go of it? I do this to myself sometimes. I get going on something and it becomes all I think about. Usually it’s some kind of fear or concern about what might be, and it’s generally not grounded in anything real. It’s funny, well, not really, that we seem to do this with negative thoughts and not positive thoughts. At least I do.