I got an email from a woman yesterday that basically said she loves the guy she lives with but he has a girlfriend and what should she do? I get so frustrated when I hear how women lower themselves to be with a man, any man. When a woman doesn’t care enough about herself to get out of this kind of situation, of course the man will treat her disrespectfully. She probably cooks, does laundry, cleans, and spoils him, trying sickeningly to get him to love her. Yuck!

In my book, I teach Feminine Grace. Even though the book is about understanding men, it’s more about developing self-confidence, self-love, self-assurance, and becoming someone you’re proud to be. When a woman can become the best version of herself that she can imagine, she will not attract the wrong man. Or if she does, she will think highly enough of herself that she will not give that kind of man a moment of her time.

I love it when I hear, “But I love him.” Bull—-! That’s not love. That’s some kind of dificiency need trying desparately to be filled. If a woman is afraid that she’s not lovable, she’s going to go with whomever comes along. She clings to him as if her life depended on it and she calls it love. A person, man or woman, can only love another to the degree that they love themself. I’m developing a workshop right now that will help women learn how to grow their self love. It’s the only way that they will be able to have a fulfilling relationship.

If you are constantly attracted to the wrong guy, look in the mirror. What’s missing within you that you keep doing that to yourself? It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who is disrespectful. But that takes inner strength, which is usually missing in someone who does not truly love and respect themselves. That’s why we have personal growth books and workshops. There is no greater gift you can give yourself than to do personal growth work. And yes, it is work but once you begin the journey, it is the most fulfilling work you will ever do.

With much love,
Kara

We laugh and joke all the time about how men don’t want to get married. But men do get married…all the time; two and a half million of them every year. And how many adult men (who are straight) do you know who have never been married? Hardly any. But there is some truth to the jokes because men do seem to drag their heels and put it off as long as possible.

At the core of this issue is how differently men and women view marriage. For starters, most women are preparing to get married from day one, when they first fell in love with their daddy. Didn’t you and your friends pretend wedding? By contrast, how many little boys were playing wedding? For women, getting married is a dream-come-true; the culmination of the fantasy that began the first time they heard a fairy tale with a prince in it. Isn’t that what princes are for, to whisk the beautiful maiden off to his castle to live happily-ever-after? Sure, some of you are into your careers and postponing marriage, but if you follow any conversation between women, eventually they’ll get around to talking about men and their relationships with men.

In my research for my book, I discovered the two reasons that a man doesn’t get married:

1. He’s not ready.

2. You’re not the right one.

That’s it, there only two. You could be the right one, but if he’s not ready, he’s very likely to let you go. He may come back, but by then, you’ve continued with your quest and found a man who is ready. You see, men don’t fantasize about getting married. They know it will happen one day, as part of the process of growing up. But they usually don’t want to rush it unless they’re the type that lives in the moment and doesn’t pay much attention to the consequences of their actions. Most men are outward; they set and achieve goals, solve problems, accomplish things in the world. They don’t sit around and daydream about what life will be like when they’re married. They’re too focused on being successful and creating security for the future. It’s the hunter instinct. Plan ahead and make sure everyone is safe and well-fed. If either of those things aren’t handled, he’s considered a failure. Not okay for a hunter. That’s why most men need to have a secure, stable job before they “take the plunge.”

So when a man gets old enough to think maybe he should start considering settling down, getting married and having a family, it’s a nuts-and-bolts decision, not a fantasy-come-true. Yes, he likes being married, likes the home a wife creates, he likes how his stature grows among his peers and in his community and the stability it brings. But he also sees marriage as the time he gives up his freedom.

Freedom to come and go as he pleases, to have sex with lots of beautiful women (his fantasy, by the way), and to focus on his career and himself. The biggest challenge, however, is the decision to take on the economic and emotional responsibility of another adult (you) and however many children the two of you have. For him, it’s all about needing to be a good enough provider to take care of your needs, a house, two cars, and the expenses that grow as children grow. This is huge for most men. That’s why, even though he may not want to even consider not having you in his life, he can’t seem to get the proposal out of his mouth, or if he does, he breaks the engagement, too overwhelmed with what it means to take on all of those responsibilities.

What does all this mean for you? Mostly, you understand better what’s going on for him and how different his view of marriage is from yours. But even more, he now knows you understand what he’s going through, and that you won’t pressure him, at least for a while, so he can prepare himself for what he says he wants…to be married to you, the women he loves. This will make you indispensable to him because, more than anything he needs to feel understood. If he’s the right one, give him time, let him know you support him in what he has to go through, give him the understanding that he craves and he’ll think you’re the most amazing woman on the planet.

With much love,
Kara

Pretty much everyone (there are exceptions) are more attracted to thinner, healthier people than fat, unhealthy people. And I’m not talking skinny. That idea needs to be tossed out the window. I’m talking about the weight that is considered healthy for your height and bone size. If you want to find someone to enjoy a love life with, your odds of meeting someone are going to be greater if you are a helathy weight. It’s a numbers game. The higher number of men (or women) who are attracted to you, the better your odds of finding the right person out of that bigger “pile”. It’s simple math.

So, if you’ve had trouble losing weight, wondering why the weight doesn’t come off or why you’ve gained weight, have I got a fascinating book for you. It’s called Mindless Eating, Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansink, Ph.D. If you’ve read my book, Men Made Easy, you know I’m fascinated by what causes people to do what they do. This book will shock and amaze you. The author offers one example after another of how people eat more than they think they do.

Some examples: People will take larger servings or more helpings from a one gallon container than a half gallon container. They will eat fewer Buffalo Wings if the bones are not cleared away. They will eat less and be just as satisfied with the amount if the plate, bowl or glass is smaller, or they’ll grade a meal better and eat more of it with a fake fancy wine label on a bottle of Two Buck Chuck.

So much of what and how much we eat has to do with mindless triggers. If you struggle at all with your weight, you would be crazy not to read this book.

With much love and encouragement,
Kara

Ever since Charles Gibbins left Good Morning America, there’s been a hole. I love Diane and Robbin but it’s incomplete. It occurred to me this morning that Emmit Smith would be fantastic with them. He’s got charm, good looks, he’s articulate, and has unbelievable grace as a human being. And obviously he has a following. Mario Lopez is a TV host but he’s too young for the energy to be right with Diane and Robbin.

I vote for Emmit as the new co-host of Good Morning America. What do you think?

With much love,
Kara

I got out of the shower this morning and for a moment, I expected Santi (Santiago) my cat to be waiting for me just outside the shower door. But alas, he no longer lives with me so it was just a fleeting memory of what used to be.

You see, I gave my cat away because I live half time in Los Angeles with my boyfriend. Plus, he’s alergic to cats. Santi was just too lonely and that made me feel bad.

My cat is a people person. He adored me and followed me where ever I was. In my office, he was on the desk; in the kitchen, he was on the counter; in the living room, on my lap if I wasn’t doing something; taking a shower, waiting outside the door. I’d had him since he was a kitten and he’d lived with me in 3 different houses.

Giving him away had more to do with Santi being lonely than with Chris’s alergies. But it was difficult to let him go. What was a miracle of serendipity was that my girlfriend was talking with a woman at her chirapractor’s office, swapping cat stories. This woman’s cat had run away so she was very sad. She is older, doesn’t drive, and only works a few hours a week. My girlfriend realized this would the perfect person to take my cat because I’d told her I wanted someone who needed a companion, not just a pet. I introduced them and it was love at first sight. I’ve visited a few times and they’re very happy together.

I am not a believer in giving something important up for a man, so I took over 18 months to finally do it. And, every once in a while, like when I drop something and immediately fear that it would scare Santi, I feel a tiny bit sad. I miss him but I know he’s happier.

To see a photo of my cat you can go to http://www.AliveWithLove.com/house/garden.html . Look at the top right and bottom left photos. You can click on them to make them larger. He’s a handsome devil, isn’t he?

Just felt like sharing.

With much love,
Kara

I’ve been taking a very interesting course on sociology from Dr. Jill Stein, head of the Sociology Department at Santa Barbara City College. The topic this week has been gender descrimination. But that isn’t what I want to talk about. What she was discussing was an article about working women. There are almost as many women working as men, and an equal number of working mothers so no one is tending the next.

The article (The Emotional Geography of Work and Femily Life [from The Time Bind: When Work Becomes Home and Home Becomes Work] by Arlie Russell Hochschild) pointed out that the workplace has become more friendly than home. That’s because there are friends, team members, support, praise, etc. at the office. And because women usually work what she calls a “2nd shift” when they get home, home becomes tense, unfriendly, emotional, and extremely stressful. I realized that this could be one of the several reasons why the divorce rate has been climbing.

I just wanted to point this out for those who find that coming home is not entering the safe haven that it should be. If you are both aware of this problem, maybe you can create more love, cooperation, nurturing, and play at home. If you can do that, love can flourish and maybe, just maybe you can avoid your marriage ending in divorce. And for those who are not married but live together, the same thing applies.

Don’t let work be more nurturing than home. There’s something really wrong with that picture.

With much love,
Kara

I get this question frequently so I thought the answer would be something that could benefit all women who struggle with understanding men.

Dear Kara,
I am terrible at reading signs from men. I never seem to know if they are flirting with me or just being friendly. How can I tell if a man is flirting with me or not? Are there some sure fire signs that maybe I can look for?
~ Evangeline (28)

Dear Evangeline,
For starters, even though a man might be flirting with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. He probably is flirting if you feel like he is, but it doesn’t mean that he wants to have anything deeper than some fun. If you look at flirting as just a nice way for people to be playful it will help you to relax and simply enjoy the fun and attention.

Because men are afraid of approaching a woman with a request to go out, flirting is a “safe” way to get your attention. If you like the guy and wish him to show more interest than just playing and teasing, sending some signals that will give him the green light is a good idea. If he doesn’t respond then you can be sure it was “just” flirting.

Here are some signals that you can send that will help let a man know you’re interested while allowing the two of you the pleasure of him pursuing you.

1) Smiling is essential for a man who has sensitivity. Without a smile he assumes you’re not interested and he doesn’t want to be pushy or risk a rude put-down.

2) Eye contact that lasts just a little longer than is comfortable. Watch how you want to drop your eyes when you look at a man you find attractive. Begin to allow that look to linger…just a little longer, with a hint of a smile. Definitely sends a message but yet keeps it feminine, which men love.

3) In conversation, touch his arm a couple of times. That breaks that barrier and releases the tension that’s caused when two people are attracted but not quite sure where they stand. Do it casually in conversation, maybe laughing at something he’s said. Just lean into that laugh and touch his forearm, in a way that says, “Oh you silly, that’s very funny.” If you’re not sure, watch how other women do it. It should be absolutely natural. Practice on friends. Actually, practice all these things, the smiling, the eye contact and touching, on people with whom there is no pressure, people you are not attracted to.

4) Ask questions that get them to talk about themselves…then listen. The best conversationalist is a good listener. Ask fun questions to get men to talk more personally about themselves, like what was the craziest thing they did in college. They’ll think you’re marvelous and quite witty.

5) Online, the same thing about listening applies. Ask great questions then appreciate them for sharing.

6) Online and in general, don’t go into very much detail about your crazy side, if you have one. A man doesn’t want to think you turn into a monster before your period, or that you can’t get along with anyone. What men are looking for are attractive women (you don’t know how un-fussy they are), who are happy, self-assured, comfortable with themselves, and enjoy being women. That’s all. Oh yes, and a woman who isn’t angry at men, appreciates them, and makes them feel special and needed…More than anything, they want to feel like a man. You have the natural ability to give that to him. When you do, you stand out as someone very, very special and unique. Remember, most women are a little bit (or a lot) angry at men in general so if you show him that you’re not like that, you’ll be way ahead of the others.

7) Online and in general, don’t ever be crass unless you want to be treated disrespectfully. Don’t swear and don’t lose control. Be a lady and you’ll go far.

With much love,
Kara

Slouch… That’s it, your quick lesson in how to turn a man off before he even focuses his eyes enough to determine the color of your hair. Lesson complete.

When I was interviewing men for my book I always asked what they found most attractive in a woman. It’s amazing how often they said good posture. I always joked in my stage presentations that it just made a woman’s breasts stick out but it really has to do with a woman’s level of self assurance. To a man, it says she’s happy with who she is, she’s takes pride in her appearance, she has a positive outlook on life, she’s healthy, and she’s happy. It is mostly subliminal but it’s screaming attractiveness. And attractiveness is part of attraction.

If your posture isn’t steller it’s easy to fix. Just stand up straight. You need to focus on it for as long as it takes to get the chest muscles to stretch and the back muscles to shorten. Maxwell Maltz says it takes 21 days to change a habit. Make it a lifetime change and you’ll have a better outlook on life; your chemistry will change; (If you don’t believe me, close your eyes, notice how you feel slouching and then standing up straight. You feel different inside.) and you will be perceived as more capable, younger, and more attractive. If you choose not to do something about your posture then you don’t really want to be happy.

With much love,
Karaa

A woman wrote recently and asked how she could know if the man she was seeing was being honest with how he portrayed himself. Here’s some pointers for determining if a man is “for real”:

Have you ever wished you had a way of determining if a man is someone with whom you should be getting involved? Here are some suggestions for determining if a man is worth pursuing. Use it wisely, and trust your intuition and those red flags that pop up as you’re getting to know someone. I ignored some flaming red flags, man, they were on fire, and I got burned, badly, by about $50,000. Yikes! I hope that never happens to any of you:

1) Would your friends and family say they like him and that he seems like a quality guy? If the overall reaction is yes, that’s a good sign. When your friends tell you a man isn’t good for you, look closely at their concerns. Yes, they don’t know him as well as you do, but their vision isn’t clouded by his pretty words and your emotions.

2) One way to find out if a man is sincerely interested in you and looking for a long-term relationship is to request that you hold off on sex. You only want a man who respects your boundaries, wants to get to know the real you, and prefers to take however much time is required to determine if this might turn into a deeply loving and enduring relationship. Sex has a way of clouding one’s vision. It makes it more difficult to be at all objective. If a man is willing to wait, then he’s interested in something bigger.

3) Does he enjoy doing things for you, fixing things, solving problems for you? Then he’s probably a man who likes making you happy. How kind and considerate is he? Notice those little things like opening doors, looking out for your comforts, anticipating your needs. That’s an inbred quality that bubbles up naturally.

4) Ask him about his family. Did he have a happy childhood, does he love his mother, his dad, does he have a good relationship with his siblings? Ask him about friends. If there are holes and problems in those areas, there’s a possibility he has difficulty dealing with people. It can be a red flag. You want a man with heart. Ask him questions that will give him an opportunity to share from his heart. Pay attention to his temperament while he answers the questions.

5) You have a built-in filter with your kids. It’s an unusual man who is willing to take on another man’s children. If he’s willing to wait on sex, and wants to build a relationship with you, knowing you have kids, that’s a sign of a quality man. Ask him about past relationships. How did they break up? Was it always the woman’s fault or does he take responsibility for part of whatever caused the problems. Don’t get into the little details because that doesn’t serve either of you. He’ll want to know about yours and don’t tell him more than he wants to hear. Just the basics, not the minute details.

6) Most importantly, continue to check in with your Inner Wise Woman. If she puts out any warnings, heed them. If need be, tell him you’re feeling a little funny and ask him to clarify something for you. Then, notice how your gut feels when he answers your questions. It takes time to get to know someone. Inconsistencies will show up with time. Don’t make any rash decisions and most of all, have fun.

With much love,
Kara