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Women compliment each other all the time. We’re used to it. But men, I discovered when I was doing my research for my book, hardly ever get any kind of compliment or appreciation, from anyone, at work or at home.

Here’s what Men’s Health Editor, Davie Zinczenko says in his new book, Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User’s Guide for Women: “Less than one in four men say they regularly receive positive reinforcement from the women in their lives, but guys want that even more than they want the Saturday digital football package. Just because we have an interior more heavily vaulted than a Brinks truck doesn’t mean you can’t crack us.”

In my book, Men Made Easy, I stress throughout how important it is for a woman to appreciate her man. When he compliments you or offers his appreciation, you feel good, youfeel like we’re not being taken for granted, and you feel noticed.

It means much, much more to a man. For him, it has to do with his entire sense of being a man. He wants to be a hero, successful, capable, strong, protective, and a great lover. One secret says A Man Is Driven To Make His Woman Happy. Another says To a Man, Failure Is Death. And still one more says, A Man Needs To Be Understood and Accepted For Who He Is. It’s all about being a good man for you. When you let him know that he’s doing a good job being your man, in all the ways you can, you have the power to make him stand taller, to feel great about himself, to feel successful…all because you give him regular doses of appreciation. This is the very best way to win a man’s heart and keep him in love with you. Men really are that easy.

With much love,
Kara

I get this question all the time. On first glance, since it is via email and I don’t have a clue who these women are, it’s pretty silly to be asking me. But, there are things that are said that give me fairly clear clues.

I’m an expert on men so let me tell you what I think is going on. I’ll give you the prhases that I get from women and then what the men’s reactions would be to this kind of woman:

“I need a man.”
Reaction: She’s desperate, run.

“I’m getting older and can’t wait any longer.”
Reaction: She’s desperate, run.

“I want someone to take care of me.”
Reaction: She’s desperate, run.

“I’m getting scared that I won’t ever find anyone.”
Reaction: She’s desperate, run.

I think you get the point. MEN ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO DESPERATE. Or needy. Or clingy. When I was interviewing men I always asked them what they were attracted to in a women. After giving me their favorite body parts they revealed a lot of useful information. Here is their list:

She’s confident.
She’s comfortable in her own skin.
She has good posture.
She’s happy and has a great smile.
She’s interested and interesting.
She makes everone feel comfortable.

Women who are getting older need to focus more on becoming more confident, happy with who they are, more outgoing and friendly, more interesting and interested, and of course, be as physically attractive as possible, without being obsessive about it. And while all that is going on, they need to let go of “needing” a man. They absolutely must shift their thinking to, “I don’t need a man, but I’d like one. If one comes along, that will be a bonus, like icing on an already great cake.”

Men can see a desparate, needy woman from across the room. There’s a pleading in the eyes that say, “Notice me, choose me.” Plus, men like the chase so if you’re not giving them anything to go after, they’re bored quickly, and often, they don’t even want to try. This is a big subject so I’ll say more at a later time.

With much love,
Kara

It seems to me that one of the reasons for staying young is that many of us are finding love again after the age of 50. I am 58 and my “boyfriend” (I don’t like that term because he is so much more than that) is 61. We are certainly vain, in that we both enjoy looking our best, but more than that, we feel kind of cheated (while at the same time feeling so very grateful) that we finally found the kind of love we have longed for so late in life. We wish we were in our 30’s because that would mean, barring unforseen circumstances, we would have many vibrant, healthy, youthful years to enjoy each other. So now we’re milking it for all it’s worth.

There’s something kind of simple and clean when people fall in love past age 50. They don’t fall prey to the stereotypes of more youthful lovers. We have worked through much of our “issues”, our “stuff”, so that we can be more honest with who we are and be willing to accept our partners for who they are.

It helps that Chris and I have been dedicated to personal growth and self discover for most of our adult lives. We’re so much more appreciative of each other. What we offer to each other is simple honesty. Being older allows that. Being of similar ages also allows a kind of enjoyment that he, (who typically dated women 10 to 15 years younger [because he could, that’s why]) never knew could be enjoyed. That is, we can comisserate about aches and pains, wrinkles, and the like. He doesn’t have to hide his aging from a younger woman. We are embracing our age in as positive a way as we can.

But older love is our reality and because we want to enjoy as many good, vibrant, healthy years together as possible, we are dedicated to taking good care of ourselves and each other. We encourage each other to work out, eat right, be joyous, playful, and to have lots of great sex. ‘-)

Sex, that’s another of those things that makes you feel young and, at the same time, keeps you young. We agree that when we were in our 30’s and 40’s, we would never have guessed that our best sex would be at 58 and 61. Talk about a great big awakening. Yahoo! What a way-cool thing to discover.

When you know that someone has been alone for a long time, not enjoying love or sex, there’s often a kind of pastiness that comes over them. Have you noticed? It’s not only visible, it also colors their personalities and their outlook on life. Sadly, because there are fewer men than women, and because most men prefer younger woman, there are a lot of women who walk around with that pastiness. Thankfully for them, they have lots of outlets for living vibrantly, without a man, if they so choose. That’s one reason it’s a good idea to let go of needing a man. If one comes along, that’s great, but going without should not take away from a woman’s quality of life.

For those of us who are lucky enough to find a great partner after age 50, never take it for granted. If you celebrate it, cherish it and let it wash over you and through you you will discover that love, not a potion, is the true fountain of youth.

With much love,
Kara

I met a woman at a social function last night that was so beautiful that everyone in the room was aware of her. When I spoke with her, however, I learned that behind that beautiful surface, and remember, it really is only the surface, she was downright ugly. She was talking to three women, me included, with her boyfriend standing next to her. I wanted to “slap her upside the head” for how she was treating her boyfriend. Of course, he was with her by choice (I saw no gun) obviously because of her “surface”. It certainly couldn’t have been her charm and grace.

What she was saying went something like this: “I’m so upset. I wanted to go to Winter’s, you know, that restaurant on Rosen Avenue, but no, he wanted to go to the Blue Garden. He just doesn’t know that the Blue Garden is so passe’. I don’t know why I stay with him.”

She sounded like a B movie. It was bad enough that she was saying this about him, but even worse, he was standing right there. I happen to know that Winter’s is almost twice as expensive as the Blue Garden but obviously, this doesn’t concern her.

I my way of thinking, she was being unbelievably rude. But, clearly, she didn’t see anything wrong with it. I hear so many women treating their husbands and boyfriends badly. It makes me wonder what they’re thinking. What’s funny is that some of the women I know who bad-mouth their boyfriends or husbands to their girlfriends are the ones who previously, before said man entered their lives, were complaining that they didn’t have a man.

I guess because of the Feminist Movement and Girl Power, women think they’re entitled, simply because they’re women. How often have you been in a conversation with girlfriends where you are dying to take your turn to say great things about your guy? Possibly never. What really goes on is one women brings up a complaint about their boyfriend or husband, and then the rest want to jump in with their version of what’s wrong with their partner.

My question is, how many of these women go out of their way to appreciate the man they are with? Most of the emails I get, asking for advice, are how to get the guy to be more of something. More affectionate, more committed, more open, more generous, more available. I don’t get women wanting new ideas for making their man feel loved and appreciated. Well, sometimes, but those are asking what they can do to make him fall in love so they will propose.

In my book, Men Made Easy, I have twelve secrets. But there are only two that really matter. The first and the last. The first says be more beautiful in how you “are” with your man, and the last explains that a man wants to be with a woman who makes him feel like a man. EVERY TIME a woman puts her guy down, EVERY TIME she belittles him, EVERY TIME she lets him know he has failed at whatever, she might as well be cutting off his You-Know-Whats. Come on women. Put as much time into being beautiful on the inside, into being happy, into being playful and joyous, as you do on the outside and watch your life take on a glow that will bring you so much love that you’ll cry from the joy of it.

Oh, there’s one other secret that goes along with the two mentioned above. It is that a man is driven to make his woman happy. If he loves her, he can’t help himself. If a woman is being beautiful, she will be happy by nature, she will be appreciative of what her man does for her, and he will feel great because he has a happy woman who makes him feel like a man. When that cycle is a consistent part of a relationship, he will look for more ways to make her happy, which only deepens the love, intimacy, and commitment to each other. They both win. There’s a reason I chose Men Made Easy as my title.

With much love,
Kara

Here’s a question that was asked of me and I wanted to share it because I think way too many people (especially women) are missing the whole point of dating:

Dear Kara,

I have been seeing this wonderful man for 5 wks now. He is 12 yrs my senior. I feel like we are on the edge of falling in love. How do I know if he’s really sincere or just seeing me because we have such great chemistry?

Thanks,
S.

Hi S.,

I’m a bit confused. With only 5 weeks under your belts, how can it be anything more than chemistry? And what is your real concern? If he sincerely likes you, then he will want to continue to see you, will be respectful, will do nice things for you, will be thoughtful… and all the while, you two are simply getting acquainted, exploring whether or not you could possibly become a long-term couple.

When I first met my boyfriend, he asked me to go on a ski trip to Utah even before we had met face-to-face. I told him that I’m sure we would have a great time, but that I really wanted to just allow the relationship to unfold in it’s own time, in it’s own way. We’ve done that now for over 20 months and I have never enjoyed getting to know someone more. There has been no stress to “move things along”, no need to force anything, neither of us feels pressured to be any further along than we are. We talk about getting engaged and getting married, but we want to do those things when it feels just right, not because it’s coming up on 2 years or any other arbitrary determination of what our relationship should look like.

I would advise you to simply lean back and relax. Enjoy the unfolding and the joy of new exploration. Focus on getting acquainted, on having fun, on feeling young. And when you both feel like you are in love, celebrate that for what it is… one of the best feelings that a human can be blessed to experience. If you are meant to become a long-term couple, which might mean marriage, then enjoy the steps that will take you there. If you focus on “how it is supposed to be”, “where this thing is going”, “why isn’t he willing to…”, then you are going to miss out on the joy and ecstasy of new love.

If you haven’t done so already, please join my mailing list so we can stay in touch via my newsletter. It has articles and announcements regarding what’s coming up. I have a special member section I’m setting up that will allow women to join a Men Made Easy support group or to find a partner to talk about what’s going on in your relationship. My goal is, as always, to assist women, in every way I can, to have awesome relationships and to appreciate what an amazing gift it is to be women. The link is below. You’ll receive 4 ebooks as a special thank you gift.

With much love,
Kara

About my experience at my high school reunion (see yesterday’s post). My perception in high school was that I was invisible. As it turns out, I was not invisible at all. I was just so scared of everyone that no one was drawn to me, no one went out of their way to talk to me, they were actually put off by my appearance of coldness. This, sadly, reinforced my sense of being invisible. It’s like I had on a pair of glasses that skewed reality and, because I never took them off, I never got to see what was really going on.

Do you do the same thing when you are on a date? Are you making up what your date thinks of you? Are you reacting from your own insecurities instead of really seeing what’s going on? What I know now is that we create our own reality. You put on a particular pair of glasses which makes you feel invisible, or that everyone else is a jerk, or that everyone else is better, prettier, wittier than you are and you end up living in a skewed world.

Now I’m outgoing, friendly, looking out for the other person and doing what I can to make them feel good and bring them out so they feel like playing with me. It’s one of the things I like best about myself. And my boyfriend loves introducing me to his friends and colleagues because, as he says, “everyone loves you.”

I looked at my visit to my reunion as a possible personal growth workshop (depending on how I reacted and wether or not my “stuff” came to the surface) or, as it turned out, a midterm. It was a midterm, and I got an A+, because not once did I ever feel insecure, not once did “The Thing” (see My Therapy) rear it’s ugly head, and I had a really, really good time. I played, talked to everyone I could, and participated in everything.

If you are on a date with someone you like and would like to get to know better, you have to make a heart connection. If you are focused on how you look, how you are coming across, if you are clever, witty, funny, intelegent enough, you are wearing Dating Glasses and you will not be seen for who you really are.

Take those glasses off and focus on your date. Be playful, fun, INTERESTED and interesting, and care about their comfort and well-being. If you do that, and that might take some practice to learn, you will be someone to fall in love with. If you are a woman I call it Feminine Grace. You can develop it and enjoy your life a whole lot better.

If you’re a man, just become a Prince. Treat her as if she is a precious gift. If she appreciates how you treat her and who you are, she’s worthy of another date. If she does not appreciate you, move on to the next one. Keep searching until you meet a woman who does appreciate you. There are too many women who have become so independent that they can’t see that you have needs too. Real love comes from mutual respect and consideration. The sparkles of attraction are not enough to sustain a real relationship. They’re fun, but when you want something real, you’ve got have the foundation that allows you to build something solid and worthwhile.

With much love,
Kara

I just got back from Tulsa where I celebrated my 40th high school reunion with my fellow school mates. What an eye opening experience. There were several things that stood out but the most significant is this: Back then, I felt invisible. I had my core friends but I was never noticed, or so it seemed, by anyone else, especially the “in crowd”.

It’s funny, I’ve thought about this a lot over the years. In high school is there is the “in crowd” who is at the center of the circle that makes up all the student body. That circle is small compared to the entire number of students. Then, outside of that circle are all the others, watching those in the center. For those of us who were watching, it felt like we were not even a blip on their radar. I talked to several at the reunion and they varified that that was their experience.

As it turns out, I was not invisible. I talked to a lot of people that I would never have had the nerve to talk to in high school. They noticed me but they said I was just so quiet. I could not believe that any of them knew I existed.

The lesson for me is that I made up something that was not true, and did myself a great disservice. I am angry at myself because I could have had a lot more fun if I’d been willing to take the risk of opening my mouth.

Another thing I noticed was that in going through the pictures in the yearbook, those in the middle circle were involved in a lot of organizations and activities. Not all were cheerleaders and football players. They were involved in all kinds of things. But most important is that they all had a lot of things listed below their name. One person said that a college counselor told him that it would help when he applied to a college. I sure wish I’d known that getting involved would have opened doors.

How that impacts my life today is that I need to focus more on what’s really going on around me. I’m great at meeting new people but sometimes I pay too much attention to things that don’t matter or might not be as I perceive them to be. What I plan on doing now is to do more to go after what I want. If I’d done that in high school my life would have been quite different. Not that I haven’t loved my life, but I think I would have figured out how to be happy a whole lot sooner.

If this insight helps even one person that reads this it will be worth sharing what I learned.

With much love,
Kara