There is no such thing as a perfect partner. Women talk about wanting to find Mr. Right. Men talk about Ms. Right. But EVERYONE has something that will not be quite right for you. The question is, can you live with it? The man I have been with for almost two years now is way beyond what I was hoping to find when I went searching for him. But, he is not perfect.

Once in a while I catch myself wandering over to the fantasy and very quickly, I snap out of it and realize that the fantasy is just a figment of my imagination. My boyfriend works unbelievably hard. He is a professor and works out of his home. So he ends up, almost every night, working til at least 8:00, midnight on the nights I’m not with him, unless we go out that night. He can’t help it. I could trade him in on someone who doesn’t work such long hours, but I bet the new man would not make me feel more cherished and loved than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. That is worth living with a workaholic (his term, not mine).

When you throw someone away becuase there is something about him or her that doesn’t quite work, remember that the next person will also have something about them that doesn’t work. The quesiton you need to ask is, “Can I live with this?” If you can’t, then move on. But don’t get so hung up on the ideal, your fantasy of the perfect person and the perfect life, that you miss out on the real stuff of life.

Just something to think about.

With much love,
Kara

The most enticing thing we can do when we’re getting to know someone new is listen.

All too often we’re preoccupied with other thoughts, what’s going on in the room around us, or planning what we’re going to say next. It’s also important to remember that the other person is probably as nervous as you are. If you focus on making them feel comfortable and at-ease, you will relax. Most people are uncomfortable around someone who is obviously nervous or insecure so the more confident you are, the more comfortable they will be. To read more about developing confidence, go to the Building Confidence article in the Be More Beautiful section of AliveWithLove.com. When someone listens to us with full attention, we feel special; we feel like they’re interested in us, like we matter. It happens so seldom, and it’s so important, it can actually create an attraction that might not have been there without it.

The most effective way to capture a person’s interest (and learn about them) is to listen, ask them questions about themselves, not say too much about ourselves, and listen some more.

It’s important not to fake interest just because someone is attractive. If they’re not interesting then we’re doing them, and ourselves, a disservice. Not everyone is interesting to everyone else. Women are often guilty of pretending they’re in awe of what a man is saying. Men–older men in particular–like to share their knowledge. I call this kind of man The Professor. They can get going with little encouragement. In the beginning of a relationship, if a woman pretends to be hanging on every word, he can become quite interested in keeping her around. That’s not fair to him, and would be insulting, if he knew. Men shouldn’t fake either.

With much love,
Kara

I was at the market today and a young woman was leaning over and there was her plumber’s crack. (No offense intended to plumbers.) I’m taking a couple of classes at Santa Barbara City College and there are lots of plumber’s cracks peeking out at the world. What is this new idea that the plumber’s crack is okay?

What am I missing here? Yes, breast cleavage is attractve, toe cleavage is attractive, but butt cleavage? Maybe I’m just an old fogie but since I preach Feminine Grace, I must speak up: showing your plumber’s crack just isn’t feminine. I’d like to know what men think if this. I guess the young men must think it’s cool because they’re sporting their plumber’s cracks like crazy. With the fashion of the crotch of their pants hanging at their knees (can you run when your pants are hanging that low?) and their boxers showing several inches, the plumber’s crack is right there for us all to admire.

There is one young woman in my Sociology class that dresses like a lady and she stands out like a star. I asked her what she thought of the guys with their pants dangling around their knees and she thought it was pretty silly. Can anyone explain this new idea that pants hanging low (way beyond hip huggers) is somehow attractive?

Curious,
Kara

When I ask men what they don’t like about women, complaining frequently tops the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining.

Men Need To Fix Problems
But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and feels like a failure. And complaining isn’t asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. A better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” (state the problem, succinctly.) Then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, and blaming is guaranteed to shut him down.

Men Are Driven To Make a Woman Happy
If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me that the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, they’ve failed at their primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed. To that hunter, failure is death.

Something to think about. I’d love to hear from you.

With much love,
Kara

At the movies last night there was an iPod-ed husband in line with his wife, wires hanging from the sides of his head, ear plugs firmly in place. I saw them walking up to get into the ticket purchasing line; he was not talking to his wife. I saw him inside in the entry line; still not talking to his wife. Then again, walking to the movie; not talking. And in all of this, I did not even see any eye contact. They both looked sad to me.

What is all this MP3, ear-phones in the ears, cocooned into our own little worlds, doing to us? And the bigger question, what will it do to change how we interact with each other in the future as more and more people walk around plugged in and inward? Is it going to change how we socialize?

Right now, when I’m out and about, I love to “flirt” with people. With the check-out lady, little kids in lines, old people. It doesn’t matter. I’m out there to enjoy life, have fun, and in the process, enjoy the challenge of putting smiles on as many people’s faces as I can. When I do that, I’m exhilerated and the high is habit forming.

Can You Flirt With Someone Who Is Wired?

As more and more people walk around hooked up to their MP3 players, will I still be able to flirt? And what about people who are trying to meet that special someone? How can she ask him, “Is my melon ripe?” if he’s wired up and insulated against the world?

I’m concerned. Are you?

Kara

I got this email today and I just can’t believe this woman (probably, hopefully, a girl) isn’t pulling my leg.

Dear Kara,
My boyfriend is always asking me for money even when he has it, and to make matters worse I just recently discovered that he sends money to some other girls. Is this a healthy relationship and what would u advise I do?
Concerned,
W. S.
=========
I know women really are this lame when it comes to men but I’m always amazed when I see this kind of behavior. It’s women like this that give wanting to be with a man such a bad rep. When a woman has no self-esteem and is this desparate to be with someone, anyone, it makes my heart break. And to be so clueless as to think that there is even the slightest chance that this is okay.

It’s never a good idea to mix money in the beginning of a relationship. After you’ve become established and trust each other, it might be okay for a one time loan but if another loan is requested before the first one is paid off yet, that’s a recipe for disaster.

Does anyone disagree with my advice? Let me know.

With much love,
Kara

I cannot believe there is a woman alive who would date a man with a comb-over, a bad toupee, or a home done dye job. If you have please let me know. I am not a superficial person, but I would absolutely draw the line with the bad hair thing.

I think a comb-over is one of the most bizarre things a man can do on purpose without risking his life or limbs. Do these men not realize that those comb-over jokes are about them? Do they really think they’re fooling us? We can all see immediately that they’re bald but the comb-over is like a flashing LED that says, “I’m insecure AND clueless”. It’s rediculous. And what about their wives? They are doing their husbands a huge disservice by letting them go on with behavior that causes snickers and sneers behind their backs.

Bald is the new sexy. Gosh, look at how many guys who have hair that are shaving it off. My son, who has been losing his hair since he was 19 has been shaving his head for much longer than it’s been in style. Kojak and Yul Brenner were his only models. He looks amazing with his head shaved.

And what about the toupee? If you insist, spend the money and get a good one. If you can tell a man has a toupee on, it shouldn’t be on. Unless you are Jim Gordon of Santa Barbara, who passed away last year. He was one of the most lovable guys you could ever want to know and lots of fun. He wore his wig in the same way a woman would wear a necklace. It was a chosen accessory, when the mood hit him. Sometimes he wore it, but mostly he didn’t. We could all joke with him about it.

Women like touching a man’s hair, especially when they’re making love. Touching a toupee would be creepy. I remember when my mother was in her late 60’s and still thinking she was going to meet her Mr. Right. Her requirements were that he did not drink, that he be a good dancer, and that he did not wear a rug. Guys, we’d rather have bald any day.

And finally, the hair dye. Oh my gosh, when a man does the hair dye thing he ends up looking like a tired old beach bum who thinks he’s some kind of sex symbol. I guess there are men who have their hair professionally colored and they must look okay because I don’t notice them. It’s the guys who do their own. Yikes! It always looks so dead and obvious. Men, please let the gray show. Take advantage of the fact that you look better as you go gray. My boyfriend has gray hair and it’s gorgeous.

I’d love to hear from men who have comb-overs, toupees, and hair dye. Maybe I’m being too hard on you. And women, maybe you find all the above a real turn on. Let’s talk about it.

With much love,
Kara

This is kind of embarrassing but I had an experience at Nordstrom yesterday and wanted to find out if some of you have had the same thing happen. I was trying on shoes and found myself attracted to a woman who was also trying on shoes. I don’t mean in a romantic way, but her energy caused me to keep looking at her I wondered if it is what a man feels when he spots an attractive women. She and I made eye contact a few times and smiled at each other, and while she was walking around with her 5″ heels on (she was close to 6′ tall) we shared a few playful words. Then at the check-out counter we enjoyed more conversation.

I was aware that I was drawn to her energy and tried to figure out what it was about her that made me want to see if a friendship was possible. I’m very outgoing, comfortable chatting with new people, as was she, and we were both about the same level of attractiveness. Not particularly beautiful but healthy and interesting. If I’d met her at a luncheon or at a party I would have drawn her into a deeper conversation and hopefully, she would have been interested in getting to know me better too. I would have asked her if she would like to go for lunch sometime and gotten her phone number. But, alas, doing that in the shoe department of Nordstrom just didn’t seem like the best idea. Now, just like that moment of connection with the opposite gender, I find my revisiting that experience.

I’m often asked to give advice on how opposite genders can meet but I’ve never written about same sex meetings. Finding same sex friends is as much a numbers game as opposite gender pairings. For me, finding girlfriends that I really enjoy and feel a connection with is equally as important as finding that special man.

I’m wondering if others of you have had the same experience. My boyfriend, Chris, has had that kind of experience with men, but it’s even less okay for him to see if the other man wants to go for a cup of coffee. He would like to have a few men friends to hang out with but as open as he is, he finds it almost impossible. His two best friends live too far away to just hang out.

I’d love to hear from you if you have had the same kind of experience as I had.

With much love,
Kara

A woman called and left an interesting message. She said she needed advice on how to solve your problem of still being alone and wanting to find a man. One thing I noticed in her voice and in the words she used to describe her problem was desperation and fear. Men pick up on that and can actually spot that energy without even talking to a woman.

Men are looking for women who are happy, upbeat, who are obviously enjoying life, and have a positive attitude. They’re looking for women who are smiling, who make others feel good, who have obvious self-confidence, who seem to really like being who they are. They’re attracted to women who have a youthfulness in their body. One doesn’t have to be young to look fit. If a woman is out of shape she becomes kind of invisible. A man might see her but not really notice her. His eyes will pass right over her. Sorry but that’s how it is. Why would a man want a woman who is unhealthy? And guys, this goes for you too. You think you don’t have to look good for us but you’re wrong. We women can tolerate more but those big bellies are pretty much a turn-off.

Advice for any woman looking for a man:

I would recommend you start an exercise program if you are not on one right now. Get your blood flowing so you feel better, more vibrant, and your skin glows. Start weight training. You need it for your bones and to keep your muscles fit so you get the benefit of helping your body and at the same time, looking more fit and youthful. Get a new hair style if you’re not thrilled with what you have now. Get new make-up and have someone show you how to put it on. Be sure it is light and fresh. Not heavy stuff with too much color. Almost all men like the natural look.

To help your attitude and outlook on life put yourself to sleep at night going over all the things you have to be grateful for. If your outlook is a bit negative and you can’t think of anything to be grateful for you can get right down to the basics: Be grateful for your eyes and that you can see the beauty of nature, trees, flowers, animals, the sky, the sunshine, the moon and stars at night. Be grateful for your ears and that you can enjoy the sounds of birds, running water, music, laughter. Be grateful for your nose and all the interesting and delicious smells. Be grateful for your mouth and how much you enjoy great tasting foods. Be grateful for your gift of speech and try to say uplifting things to the people with whom you interact. Be appreciative, complimentary, encouraging. Laugh, tell jokes, be alive.

Be grateful for your hands that can do so much, and that can feel the touch of another. Be grateful that you can walk and skip and get out there and walk and skip. Be grateful for books and for the people who write them, be grateful for everything you can think of and you will start to have a different attitude toward life. People will notice, men will notice and want to find out who you are. It’s all in your control but with a sad demeanor you will have absolutely no chance of meeting a good man.

One more thing… you need to let go of needing to find a man. As long as you are feeling like you are never going to find one, as long as you feel like you have failed, as long as you feel like your life will not be complete without a man, you will chase them all off with your neediness. They want to be needed in that they want you to make them feel like a man who makes you feel like a woman. But when theY sense that you need them because you need their money, or to stop your fears of being alone, they will pick up on that energy and will not want to have anything to do with you.

All of this advice will take a powerful determination to incorporate into a new you. But if you really want to become appealing to more men. I understand that you just want one man, Mr. Right, But finding a man is a numbers game. You need to meet a lot of men to find the one. It is just asking too much of the universe to bring you THE RIGHT MAN and drop him on your doorstep. You are not the only thing that needs attention.

And how’s your sexual energy lately? It’s sad, but when a woman stops having sex, it shows up in her energy. And that, maybe more than anything else, makes you pretty much invisible to men. I would advise that you get out there and truly enjoy the sensual pleasures that your magical body has to offer. I don’t mean go have sex. I mean look at things in a new way. See the beauty around you. Breath in the scents, the sounds, the tastes. Dance every morning to a CD that makes you feel sexy. No one is looking so go for it and move your body. Take all the sensual pleasures in to such a depth that you are thrilled daily by the little pleasures of life. Also, make love to yourself. Yes, I mean exactly what that sounds like. I actually have an article that teaches women how to make love to themselves. It’s called How To Masturbate. You can read it at http://www.alivewithlove.com/sensual/howto.html Guys, it might seem crazy that some women don’t know how to do this, but trust me, it’s amazing how many don’t know much about their bodies. A great reason to masturbate is so you can know exactly what works and then share that much needed information with your sex partner. How in the heck should a man know what to do when the woman doesn’t?

Does all this sound like too much work? Then forget finding a man. Forget being joyful and happy to be alive. Forget about honoring God for all that has been given to you. It’s up to you. Live your life fully, or not. You choose.

With much love,
Kara

I was just going through one of my morning rituals of white tea with almond milk (very yummy and healthy) and reading the Wall Street Journal when I came across a review of a new book, Beauty Junkies by Alex Kuczynski. The inspiration for her book was her own addiction to cosmetic prodecures, beginning with her first Botox injection at age 28. It sounds fascninating in a morbid kind of way because she goes into gory details about prodecures, deaths and the prodecures that went bad. If you are on the fence at all, and even if you’re not, you might want to read this book before making that appointment to “have a little work done”.

My thing is that I just don’t understand why a woman would opt to remove her personality (yes, part of your personality is your face and facial expressions) and replace it with, as the reviewer, Alexandra Wolfe, says, “looking vaguely like the same person: an aging porn star.”

When I see a woman with a face lift, it is so obvious that I can’t take my eyes and mind off of it. I end up not listening as attentively as I would like. It’s really quite fascinating to see how their mouth stretches out in those strange, wider-than-ought-to-be lips. They really do all look the same.

Sure, I’ve stretched my face back, just a tad, to see what I’d look like without my sagginess that is beginning to show. But always, I see that I am taking away the character in my face. Judy Dentch is my idol. I want to age exactly as she ias done. And Helen Merrin. Those are beautiful women who seem to get more attractive with each passing year.

The funny thing is, when a woman removes her sags and wrinkles, she may look younger, but she is less attractive. It’s the saddest thing. And it’s irreversible.

And it’s not just the women. Look at Kenny Rogers. When I saw him on TV recently, I did not recognize him. No kidding. All that beautiful character, collected over years of living, gone. It just breaks my heart.

Part of being beautiful is liking yourself. Part of liking yourself is taking good care of yourself. To stay youthful I’ve done several things that are easy and good for you: Drink lots of water; get that blood pumping so the skin stays glowing and the interior stays in tip-top shape; wash my face morning and evening and use good (but not necessarily expensive) face products; be happy and share your love. I’m 58 but everyone guesses me to be in my early 40’s. I feel young and I’m having the time of my life. Life is too good to risk any kind of elective surgery.

With much love,
Kara