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My boyfriend and I saw The Last Kiss last evening. When the guy says to his fiance, after sleeping with someone else, “Come on, we can go back to the way it was,” my boyfriend said, “Yeah, you can,” and I said, “No, you can’t.” Obviously, we had an interesting discussion after the movie. I told him what I advise when someone writes to me wanting to know how to go back to the way it was. Here’s what I tell people:

You can never again go back to the way it was. When you first fall in love there’s a kind of nieve trust that occurs. I call it the “Bubble of Trust”. It’s actually kind of sweet. When someone lies, sneaks around, or especially cheats, that bubble bursts. It’s impossible to build that bubble again. Poof, just like that, it’s gone. So what do you do if you want to stay together?

My advice is that you need to start over, from scratch, as if it was a brand new relationship, which, actually, it is. You should both write out, in great detail, what it means to be in a relationship (or marriage) what you want out of it, what you are willing to do to make the relationship work, what you expect your partner to do, and what kind of plan you think would bring you back together.

Then you get together and share what you wrote. What this will do is cause you to, maybe for the first time, really talk to each other. Find out some things that were left unsaid. Sometimes we want to ask certain questions but are afraid to find out the truth. Like asking if he wants kids before you get married. That seems such an obvious thing that should be discussed, but it happens all the time. Even asking, “What does it mean to be in a committed relationship,” is a question that is rarely asked.

Then, together, you need to come up with a plan for building this new relationship and a plan for talking about how it’s going and what alterations need to be made to the original plan. This will force you to become more open with each other, to have more heart-felt conversations, to get both of your needs met, and potentially, bring you closer than before the affair. I know of several relationships that actually improved after an affair.

One thing that has to happen is the affair must be put away. Look at it as part of the past that occurred before you got together. I advise you do some kind of ritual where you bury it, burn it, or flush it down the toilet. Whatever it takes to get it out of your lives so you aren’t talking or thinking about it all the time. In the ritual offer some kind of prayer or promises to each other with a new commitment to each other and to your love.

If you look at this new relationship you are buildling, together, as truly new, than the cheating can be looked at as an old girlfriend or boyfriend, like something that occurred before you got together. Yes, there is a time where you will wonder if he or she is going to cheat again. But that is always out there. If you dwell on that though, you will not be able to build a better relationship. You will both go down in flames. That’s why a ritual is so important.

You both must take responsibility for the cheating. It takes two to be in a relationship. Don’t blame each other but determine what wasn’t quite right and go about doing everything you can to create something better, something more open and honest. It will take time, it will take caring enough to let your hurt and ego go, but it can be a wonderful opening to deeper intimacy and a much closer bond.

With much love,
Kara

I know it’s an overworked subject but I just can’t stay quiet. The fact that we all hate spam is a well known fact. What I don’t understand is why so many people still send it out… and with all the manipulation of the subject so it gets past spam filters, don’t the know that that are having to do that BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT THEIR EMAILS? Don’t they realize that if we met them we would want to throw eggs at them? I suspect that they have signed up for some get-rich-quick scam where they buy email addresses that are probably sold as opt-in addresses.

A case in point: I started getting spam with variations of pharmacy in the subject. Such as PHstxMACY. So I set my rules to delete anything with MACY. Then, either they can tell or they just assume we’ll do that, they switched to PHxevMzyACY. So I added ACY to my rules. Now they’ve changed it again and I’ve set my rules to also delete all subjects with PH. It makes me crazy.

And all the emails that sound like a friend writing to you. And I get dozens, all at once, of the same thing from all kinds of different email addresses so someone has sold a bunch of people a new scam and I’m on the list. I can’t imagine anyone actually getting someone to actually click on their links. Again, don’t all these people know that we hate them, that it is not good to have that much bad energy directed toward them, and that they are the ones we are talking about when we all scream, “We hate spam and spammers.” It’s like those guys with the comb-overs. Don’t they realize all those jokes are about them?

So there, I’ve vented. It is such a waste of time to have to go through all those emails just in case there is one that I need to respond to. I just went through 48 and not one of them was anything but spam. Crazy-making. I don’t have time for all that, but I don’t know what else to do.

Where are the eggs? I need to throw something.

Not feeling too loving right now (grrrr!),
Kara

Here’s an (unedited) email I got today from a young woman who has been receiving my “Tips About Men”:
hi kara,
well this is rachelle and i really appreciate all of ur tips about men. well i have been a little busy and i would not read them but i saved all of them and today i was free and i started reading them all and i loved them all, i am in a relationship right now, we have been together for 6 months and were both young adults , hes 21 and i am 19 and after reading ur tips iam going to make some right choices because i’ve been making him feel like a failure and i will fix that and not to do it again.
again thank you alot,
rachelle

That email inspired me to talk about how easy it is to emasculate a man. One of the most important things I try to get across to women is to not belittle a man because a man is most easily emasculated by a woman. More than anything, he needs a woman to make him feel like a man not like a failure. When she puts him down for his inability to make money, make love to her, be a good father or husband, etc., he feels emasculated and pulls away from her a little bit each tiime she does it. Eventually he needs to leave if he wants to keep his balls intact.

Another way a woman can easily emasculate a man is simply let him know he has failed at making her happy. I’ve heard so many men say, when asked why they left their wife or girlfriend, “I couldn’t make her happy.” He needs to get away from that kind of woman if he has any desire to feel like a man. If a man stays with that kind of woman, eventually his testicles eventually dry up and fall off. I think the term is P…. Whipped. Think about the kind of man who has earned that title. We don’t have much respect for that kind of man. And usually the women doing the whipping isn’t a very pleasant person.

I teach Feminine Grace. No real woman would ever do that to a man, especially the man who is supposed to be her lover. Obviously, a fully emasculated man no longer has sex, unless, heaven forbid, he does so at her demand. Yuck! I don’t even want to think about that scenario.

So ladies, if you want to have a relationship with a man who adores you, makes you feel like his queen and calls you his goddess, all you need to do is practice Feminine Grace and make him feel like a man. It’s that simple. Learning how to do that takes a bit of learning along with some practice, but once you get it down (and believe me, for most women, this is what feels best and eventually becomes totally natural) he will treat you better than you’ve ever been treated before. It’s the surest way to win a man’s heart.

With much love,
Kara

Here’s a sad question from a young European women:

Dear Kara ,

I bought your e-books and I’ve read them paying great attention. I am a 32 year old woman, living in Europe. You’ve pictured men in a very romantic way; you suggest that in order to feel like a man, his tender heart wants to support and take care of a woman, that he needs to feel like he is needed. Maybe American men are like this?

European men, from East to West (all of them, except very rich men) want us to work hard, to split every single restaurant bill, even in the early stages of dating and relationships, every coffee, they want us to have well payed jobs, they complain if we need them for just a little thing (calling us needy if we can’t repair a car!!).

I’ve been living and travelling in France, Belgium, Germany, Romania, Luxembourg and more and they are all the same. It’not my imagination, all women I’ve met say so, it’s written in newspapers too! From workers to engineers and doctors, they are all like this. I am very feminine, optimist, pretty and tender and it doesn’t work with them.

I wonder again, are American men the way you discribe them? Is this available maybe in US high class only? Do you have an idea of how to behave with European men?

Yours sincerely,
Daniela

My response to her:

Dear Daniela,

I think it has more to do with younger men, than whether or not they are American or European. I’m afraid younger men are more selfish, are used to women being independent, wanting to be equal, and not needing men. And with women so willing to be sexual without the man having to earn it (yes that’s old fashioned) why should they lift a finger to do anything for the woman? When I did my research ten years ago, the men your age were then in their 20’s. I was going to school at a city college and I did notice that those guys were exactly how you describe the men you are meeting. I was telling young women then that the younger guys were not fitting my description of men.

Another reason I think people have lost their manners is because the feminist thinking has caused us all to lost the lovliness of women being feminine and men being masculine. And with parents both working and single parent households, there just isn’t time or energy to raise kids with kindness, consideration for others, and basic good manners. It’s a sad situation and it doesn’t appear that it will improve.

I think an interesting experiment for you would be for you to hold back giving a man your time and attention until he shows you the respect and care you deserve. Be flirtations, friendly, interesting, interested and fun but only say yes to the men who are worthy of you. Probably, because other women will make it easy for them elsewhere, it won’t work, but it could be interesting. If you make a man have to work to even spend time having coffee with you, certainly no sex without him being a gentleman, and you are interesting and intriguing enough, the good guys will show you the respect you want. Most young men that I notice (I’m back in school again) don’t have a concept of what being a gentleman means. Broken homes, films, music, video games, sloppy dressing, and society in general, has lost it’s polish and unfortunately, the younger people are paying a price for it… At least in my opinion.

I would really appreciate it if you would stay in touch with me and let me know how this experiment is going, if you are willing to test it with the younger men you are meeting.

With much love,
Kara

When I ask men what they don’t like about women, complaining frequently tops the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining.

But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and feels like a failure. And complaining isn’t asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. A better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” (state the problem, succinctly.) Then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, and blaming is guaranteed to shut him down.

The great thing about that approach is whenever you ask a man to help you solve a problem you are giving him an upportunity to be your hero. (Oh, shut up, you Feminists!) Men need to feel like men and women have the power, more than anyone else, to give him that. Actually, that’s the last secret in my book, “A man needs to be with a women who makes him feel like a man.” Duh… but it’s true.

If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me that the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, they’ve failed at their primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed.

In the hunter’s case her unhappiness means she and the children are hungry for protein and if that goes on long enough everyone dies. So, this need to make women happy is really about survival and how well he provides. It’s buried deep within his biology.

Too many women make the man the source of their happiness. That’s too big a burden on anyone. You are responsible for your own happiness. When you take charge of making yourself happy, he feels successful, even though he may have absolutely nothing to do with it. When you’re happy you’re much more appealing to him (read beautiful), he feels like he’s successful as your partner, and his heart opens up to you. This is a case of win/win if there ever was one.

Another reason not to complain is because it’s unattractive. When I find myself complaining I feel downright ugly. Feminine Grace is about doing everything with grace, having control over our actions, taking responsibility for how we are, and the impact our words and actions have on others. Ugly or beautiful? It really is your choice. The only way change occurs–at least if we want some say in those changes–is to do things differently.

With much love,
Kara

No matter how you look at it, or no matter how well-founded it is, jealousy is always an ugly* emotion. Here’s a woman’s question. See if you can determine all the ugly (read insecure, needy, unreasonable, and stupid [for getting involved with him]) things she’s doing:

Dear Kara,
I am 23 years old from Sydney, Australia, and have been with my current partner for just over a year. We are both very much in love but I have a major problem with jealousy/self-esteem.

All it takes is a glimpse of an attractive or scantily clad woman on television or a magazine cover to get my mind racing about how my partner was looking at the woman in question and I start to burn up. If an attractive woman walks past us on the street I will watch my partner to see if he looks at her, how he looks at her and for how long. I start to formulate scenarios in my head about how much he wants to be with her instead of me. 99% of the time this is based on appearance only. I get sooooo angry and for no reason!

If I do say so myself, I am quite attractive and have no shortage of men asking me out and looking at me in general. Could it be that all my life I have been used to men (strangers) leering at me and propositioning me for dates etc. and believe that men all think the same way? If there ÃŒs anything with a nice body and nice face they want it and wish that their girlfriends were like that, too. I have always had a complex about my small breasts. Could that be it?

My partner confided in me at the start of our relationship, telling me that he was really into porn, which I can’t stand as it brings out these feelings (because in my head he wants the woman in the video) and used to visit prostitutes and peep shows, call phone sex lines, etc. He loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone. I know that and I do feel very loved. When I fly off the handle it is usually for no reason and he reassures me that it’s me he wants and says that I should do things to help with my self-confidence. This is all ok but I don’t believe that it could help me with the issue. There are people out there who are more attractive than me to my boyfriend. I don’t want him looking at another woman thinking she is sexy. Isn’t that what I’m here for? I want to be everything sexual for my man. I definitely don’t want someone else arousing him, be it on TV or in a magazine. He mentioned that in a hypothetical situation he would go to a strip club with his mates if they were trying to get him to go. I feel disrespected and disgusted by this. I realize that it’s all in good fun but how dare my boyfriend (soon to be fiancé») go and enjoy looking at a naked woman other than me??

See I’m all worked up now. I can love myself etc., etc., but I don’t want to be with someone who will keep looking at other women. I feel disgusted by my boyfriend if he notices an attractive woman.
Thank you,
Sad

My response to this email and general issues of jealousy:

Dear Sad,
You should have left this guy the moment you found out he was “really” into porn, had visited prostitutes, gone to peep shows, and used phone sex lines. I’m sorry to see you are engaged. OF COURSE you’re going to be jealous. You set that one in motion the moment you continued to see him. This is a classic thing women do. They get involved with guys that are not a good fit, then think they can change them, or that the guy will magically transform into “Mr. Perfect; fits my fantasy exactly,” when she thinks she has him.

Having said that, let’s talk about the other issues you bring up. There are beautiful, sexy, scantilly-clad, come-and-get-me women everywhere; in public, in the workplace, in movies, on TV, and in magazines. It’s a fact of life in most places in the world. And, right now, the fashion, especially for teenagers, is to dress like little tramps. Thank you, Brittany Spears. To expect a man not to look is ridiculous. We all look. Mostly, because we’re amazed. There’s a reason our mouths drop open when an extremely beautiful or sexy woman walks by. Especially if she’s half dressed. That’s her goal. Most men who look at these women are not physically aroused, and don’t fantasize about being with or having sex with these women. Sure, there’s sometimes a quick moment of “Wow, would I like to shtup her.” That’s just a guy thing. Mostly, they’re simply curious, amazed, and enjoy looking at something beautiful, attractive, and sexy. Even we women can’t help but look. Sure, some men (not most) will masturbate to those images, or go home and make love to their wives or girlfriends with the image of that woman in their minds, but that still doesn’t mean they want to actually have a real relationship with them. So women need to be reasonable and let that go. Think how much more energy can be used for much more uplifting endeavors.

There will always be women out there who are more attractive physically. But if we are at our best, meaning self-confident, happy within ourselves, fulfilled through our own efforts, empowered and in love with life, the man we are with will think we’re the most beautiful woman on the planet. That’s because he’s in love with our entire being, not the surface. The surface got his attention, but who and how we are is what caused him to fall in love.

No woman can be “everything sexual” to a man. He will always admire other sexy women. He will occasioanally think about being with other women. It’s human nature. That doesn’t mean he will do anything about it. Most men masturbate once in a while. That has nothing to do with the woman he is with unless she is constantly turning him down and he doesn’t want to cheat. We shouldn’t try to control his every thought. He needs some privacy, especially in his mind. When a woman tries to control a man to that degree, he will eventually leave.

Jealousy is about fear, suspicion, lack of trust, insecurity, and a need to control. None of those are qualities a self-respecting woman should want. And we should avoid a jealous man completely. Jealousy is often at the root of abuse. If a woman is jealous in every relationship she has, she needs to rid herself of those ugly characteristics. If she is not normally jealous but the current man brings that out in her, he’s most likely doing something to cause her to feel that way. If you’ve been with a man for many years with no jealousy and all of a sudden you’re feeling it, it’s probably your intuition telling you to pay attention. If a man talks about how hot other women are, how sexy, what a turn-on they are (you know the type) then that’s disrespectful. I actually feel bad if my boybfriend misses out on seeing a woman who is exceptional. It’s kind of like missing a great sunset. Sure, there will be others but it’s fun to share it with someone. It’s the same for all exceptionally beautiful, special, or even strange things.

So my advice regarding jealousy is to never allow it to darken your spirit. It is an emotion that is a red flag that there are other issues that need to be looked at. It can be an opportunity to either improve yourself or “throw the bum out.” Either way, your life will improve.

With much love,
Kara

Here’s a question from a visitor asking for advice:

Dear Kara,

I am a 24 year old attractive single woman and I have major dating problems. There is one I am concerned about right now. There is this incredibly hot bouncer at the night club I’ve been going to almost every weekend for the past 2 years. He and I flirt all the time and sometimes he pulls me outside and asks me to kiss him. Of course I do, but that is as far as it’s ever gone. He never asks me for my number so one day I asked him for his and asked him if he wanted to get together after the club. He said yes and to call him. I did and he never answered and never called me back. Yet he continued to flirt with me relentlessly. Now a year after that happened I got up the courage to ask him why he never calls me. He said because I never call him and we exchanged numbers again. I told him to come visit me after work and he had the nerve to say he’ll think about it. I’ve never had a guy say that to me. Anyway, needless to say he never called. Now I don’t know how to act around him when I go to this club and I can’t go to another club because I live in a small town where this is the best club we have. I don’t want to seem bitter about him dissing me but I don’t want to continue to play his at the club girlfriend and I’m wondering what should I do.
How should I act with him now?
I need your help,
L.

My advice to her:

Dear L.,

The first mistake you made was to kiss a man who you had no relationship with. He was getting what he wanted and that’s all it was. Most women start wanting more from a man even if they didn’t in the beginning. Do not get mad at him. He owes you NOTHING. He made no promises to you. You let him kiss you so you hold a great deal of responsibility in this situation.

If you want to still go to that club just be cute and sassy, flirt if you want, but do not kiss him again. When he asks for a kiss tell him that you you’ll think about it and give him a wink and a smile. He’ll know you’re playing with his line, “I’ll think about it,” but you’re telling him you’re not mad. He’ll think you’re cool for handling it so well. If he presses the issue tell him you’ve decided to only kiss men who take you out on dates. I hope that helps.

With much love,
Kara

Wow! I just got back from seeing the Illusionist. What a completely fulfilling experience. Even in the beginning, when they were running the opening credits, I whispered to Chris, my boyfriend, that the fonts were fortelling a beautiful film. They were the most beautiful choice and combinations of fonts I’ve ever seen and the way the background was out of focus and foggy…simply stunning.

Every moment throughout the film my eyes were being seduced and aroused. The almost sepia tone of the colors, the choice of actors (all supurb), the era, the costumes, and the music!, the music was gorgeous and filled you with a sense that something unexpected but hoped for was about to happen. And it almost always did. Seeing this film was like enjoying the most delicious flavors your mouth has ever been blessed to experience.

Edward Norton was made for this part and Jessica Biel is the embodiment of the perfect princess. Paul Giamatti proves once again what a supurb actor he is. He is nothing like any other part you’ve seen him in. He is able to completely transform himself as he needs to. And Rufus Sewell definitely knows how to do evil.

The reviewers said “they can’t conjur up a proper ending but otherwise very well done and quite enjoyable.” I thought the ending was perfect.

I hope you go to see it with someone you love because this is a love story that is so different, so unusual, so touching, that it should become a classic of our culture. I can’t wait to see it again.

With much love,
Kara

In a recent post I was going on, like I do, about women who ask men, “Where is this relationship going?” My girlfriend was asking that question of a man she was getting to know after only one month. I told her that she should relax and simply enjoy the ride, that if she was focused on where it was supposed to end up, she would miss out on the best part: the thrill of the unfolding.

I was telling my boyfriend about this recently and he laughed and said, “What if, when she asked, ‘Where is this relationship going?’ the guy responded with, ‘I just want to get laid, that’s where I’m hoping it’s going.’ And that her response could then be, ‘Great, that’s exactly what I was hoping you’d say.’” Now that would be different.

When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, actually on the phone before we met, he made an unusual request. He was going skiing, which is why we could not meet the first weekend after talking on the phone. He said, “This is maybe a crazy idea, but would you like to go skiing with me.” I started hyperventelating and said that, even though I knew we’d have a wonderful time, and that I love skiing, I didn’t want to force the intimacy and that I thought it best if we just allowed our relationship, wherever it might lead, to simply unfold in its own way, in its own time. That’s what we’ve been doing for over 19 months and it’s the most amazing, magical experience either of us has had. And considering our ages and the vast number of experiences and interesting people we’ve been blessed to enjoy, that’s saying a lot.

So to all of you out there who are getting to know a new potential lover, partner, husband, or wife… relax and enjoy the ride because it’s in the moment that the very best stuff happens.

With much love,
Kara