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I received this comment today, after she received the last of 20 Tips About Men that she had signed up for. I thought my response might be of some value to a few out there in I-Land.

Dear Kara,
Thanks for your email with those beautiful lyrics. Unfortunately, I’m out of love at the moment because my boyfriend dumped me and things never work out. I don’t know what to do anymore. My life is full of emptiness and unhappines.
M.

My response to her (with lyrics below):
Hi M.,

If everyone could understand that each heartache is filled with the potential to learn and grow so that the next time it will be better, we would be more open to life. It’s supposed to hurt. If it didn’t hurt, we would have more difficulty seeing the lessons. Use those lyrics to make your heart open to life’s possibilities. Allow yourself to feel the hurt. Feel as deeply as you can because that is one of the greatest gifts of being human. We feel deeply and our emotions are amazing, considering all that exists on this planet. What other life form comes anywhere near to what we are able to feel?

Use this time to love and nurture yourself. Look at where you went wrong, or right, in who you chose to love. Look at where you went wrong, and right, in how you loved. Look at where you can become a better communicator. Look at how you can be more loving and nurturing. Look at how you can be wiser and trust your intuition better. All of that potential is within you, you just need to learn how to access it. I have a wonderful article at AliveWithLove.com that will teach you how to access your Inner Wise Woman. If you will believe me when I say that heartache can be a good thing, then go to http://www.alivewithlove.com/wise/wise.html and do the process. You will be surprised at the wisdom that resides within you. Write to me and tell me what you discovered.

The email with the lyrics to I Hope You Dance:

I love these lyrics and thought you might enjoy them too. I hope all your
dreams of love and romance are coming true for you. And I hope this song
touches your heart as much as it does mine.

Lee Ann Womack

I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,

I hope you dance….I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’,
Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,

I hope you dance….I hope you dance.
I hope you dance….I hope you dance.

Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
where those years have gone.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,

Dance….I hope you dance.
I hope you dance….I hope you dance.
I hope you dance….I hope you dance…

Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
where those years have gone.

With much love,
Kara

I got this email this morning, requesting advice:

Dear Kara,
I wrote you back in April about this new long distance relationship that i am in with someone. I was writing
to get your advice, and now find myself back at your
door. I am in a new area of this relationship where i
feel like I am really falling for him. The more that
we connect with one another the more i feel that i
would hate to loose him. He doesn’t feel expendable
to me. Because of this, i’ve pulled back and grown a
little scared about the risk that you take when you
are in love with someone. I am sure this sounds
weird, but i have never been in this place with
someone. I am too afraid to say use the “love” word
with him, because i don’t feel that the moment has
been right,and at the same time i don’t want to say it
to make him have to respond in kind. I am very much
for letting things naturally evolve. My question is
how do you put on the breaks, if you feel your
emotions getting away from you? I want to do this in
a healthy way to keep the right perspective and not
get lost in the intensity of the emotions that i feel
for him. We’ve known each other for over 3 years (good
friends) but come September have been officially
dating for a year. I have this feeling that we are at
a crossroads. Or it may be more of a crossroads
“feeling” for me given this is my first serious
relationship. I appreciate any advice you might be
able to give.

Thanks,
M.

=======
My response:

Dear M.,

One of the greatest joys of being human, in my opinion, is to be able to lose ourselves in the feelings, sensations and emotions that come with the first stage of love. You don’t have to say the “love” word to feel it. I like how good it feels to hear him say it first. I ignored that once and I was really sorry that I did. Partly because he didn’t really have those kinds of feelings for me. When my partner told me he loved me, before I said it, it was such a treasured moment. I am so happy I waited.

A big reason people hold back their feelings (put on the brakes as you say) is because they don’t know where the relationship is going, they don’t know how the other person feels, or they’re afraid of the force of what they are feeling. My overarching belief about being human is to “GO FOR IT ALL!” as long as no one gets physically harmed and you are in integrity (meaning no laws are broken, you are being honorable, and respectful, of yourself and him. So fall in love, enjoy the feelings, the sense of being fully human. It’s one of the best ways to honor and thank God for being alive. So what if he never feels the same? What’s the worse that can happen? You get hurt, you get embarrassed, you lose something you thought you wanted? If you’re a basically stable person, you’ll hurt for a while, get over it, hopefully learn a great deal about yourself and life, and be better prepared to jump into the next miracle.

I’ve noticed that most women spend a great deal of time in the future when it comes to their budding relationship. That means that while they’re in the future, they’re missing out on the present. And it’s in the present that life and love happens. Love that you’re human, milk it for all its worth, and honor God by loving so deeply that your heart almost bursts with the joy of it. Maybe the man you love will love you back, maybe he won’t. But he will amazed by the person you are because you will be so alive and filled with happiness. If you’ve read my book you know that being a joyful, happy woman is what gets and holds a man’s attention. That’s because when you’re happy, you’re stunningly beautiful. When you’re happy he feels like a man. When he feels like a man, and you’re the source of those feelings, he is more than likely, not going to be able to let you go.

So feel your feelings, discover yourself, and know that if the feelings are not reciprocated you will at least have a man who will hold you in the highest regard and never, ever forget you.

With much love,
Kara

It makes sense that the first step to finding a healthy relationship or rehabbing the one you have is to know what a healthy relationship looks like. What is it that you really want in your relationship? Have you ever really sorted that out? I know I have and even then, I’m continually fine-tuning it as my partner and I grow our intimacy.

I think a healthy relationship is a real partnership where each person helps and supports the other to be exactly who they are meant to be, to help them shine their truest and brightest. There’s a Marianne Williamson quote that I put at the end of all my emails that speaks to this very thing: “The purpose of intimate partnership is for us to midwife the perfection in each other. The point of love is to reveal to us the light inside.” The interesting part of that is how to help each other with that goal and that within each pairing of a man and a woman, the steps will vary depending on the needs of each individual. Also, as a couple moves along the path to becoming their best selves, the ways in which we can help each other will change.

In order to pursue that goal it’s important to understand the roles men and women typically play in a healthy relationship.

If you hate generalizations, you’re not going to like what I’m about to say, but here goes. I believe that women are the natural caretakers of a relationship while men rely on a woman’s instinct to keep a relationship on track. Men will pursue women in the hopes of beginning a relationship, but once they are in the relationship, they look to the woman’s guidance to nurture it.

Each couple should find out if this is how they operate. If it is, then the women would do well to accept this role and not be frustrated by expecting the man to do what seems unnatural to him. Since most men want the woman to take the lead in creating a healthy relationship, why not take it?

One of the most important things a woman can do to raise the quality of her relationship is to use her Feminine Grace in the way she communicates her needs, wants, upsets, frustrations, etc. If she communicates with love and respect, rather than ugly nagging, complaining and belittling, she will be able to make her own light shine more brightly, and in so doing, her husband/partner/boyfriend will be carried along to a higher level. That’s just one example how a woman can take charge and get her goal for a better relationship met.

More on this tomorrow…

With much love,
Kara

A question from a hurt woman:

Dear Kara,
Why does my husband spend a couple of hours looking at porn on the internet then goes to bed and straight to sleep every night? What’s wrong with me? The girls he looks at are the complete opposite of me (looks wise). Am I just something he settled with because I make him look good. And the other girls is what he really wants? I’m so confused, hurt, unsure, and frustrated.
Carmen

My response to her:

Dear Carmen,
I don’t know why men prefer porn to real women but once a man gets hooked (addicted) to porn, he loses touch with reality and has a difficult time being with real women. I don’t know what to tell you. Do you have children? If not, you might want to look into your heart and determine if you want to spend any more time with a man who doesn’t make love to you. Does he take you out on dates? Does he do anything to make you feel special? Does he do nice things for you? If you are not getting anything out of the relationship you need to ask why you are with him. If you have children, then you need to do whatever you can to convince him to “join the family”. Your children need a father who interacts with them. I hope this gives you some food for thought.

With much love,
Kara

This is an extention of what has been happening as a consequence of my therapy sessions. In case you haven’t read any of my therapy posts (I actually don’t blame you) you might not know that I’ve been trying to get rid of “The Thing.” That’s when I feel separate from people, especially painful when it is my boyfriend that I’m feeling disconnected from.

Of course I shared with him everything that was discussed in my therapy. So in an effort to work together on this issue (it hurts his feelings when he’s wanting us to feel close and loving and I’m off over there, being disconnected) I offered that whenever I was feeling disconnected for any reason or if he noticed it before I did, we’d say something. I offered that I would tell him that I miss him. At first, I’d notice it just a little bit and I’d say to myself, “I miss you”. I immediately felt reconnected.

This happened several times but I didn’t tell him I was doing it. I was afraid that if I shared what I was doing too soon, I would lose touch with what I was trying to accomplish. In a very short period of time (maybe 3 days) I was no longer feeling disconnected. And boy did he respond. Very yummy.

When we left for Bali I was feeling very close and he was responding like crazy. Talk about a happy guy. I was feeling so good that I began to say out loud, “I don’t miss you”, with a big smile on my face. The first time I had to explain that that meant I was feeling really close and in love. That put a big smile on his gorgeous face. Over the 2 1/2 weeks that we were in Bali I said it several times and all the while I was feeling more and more connected and he was feeling it too. It was wonderful.

Once or twice during the last two days of our trip I had to tell him that I missed him. We were at a very unique hotel, right on the ocean, very expensive, but not where I wanted to be. He is the ocean person so I wanted him to be happy and didn’t tell him I didn’t want to stay there. But I wasn’t my best self and found myself going into myself. Every time I said I missed him he melted and immediately gave me a long, warm hug with lots of loving words. He was really appreciating that I was communicating rather than going off into myself.

From the first time we met, and even before, on the phone for two weeks, we’ve had an amazing connection and we’ve been thrilled at how exceptional our relationship has been. But with this new feeling of closeness, it’s moved into a whole new level of intimacy and love.

This weekend he snapped at me, one of the only times it has happened. It wasn’t much but I reacted. He was tense about having to start teaching the next day and apologized immediately. But it brought back feelings of when I was married to the “Bad Ex” when he would harshly say, “What are you doing?” (Translation: That’s not the way I do it so therefore you are doing it wrong!) I was hurt, went inward and began to feel really lonely. It was all my own doing, my own reaction to what Chris had said, which, on the surface, was no big deal. And he apologized almost before I could react. I knew it was silly but the feelings persisted.

Chris plays the piano every night before we go to bed and before he began to play I said, “I miss you.” He immediately got up and kneeled beside me and just held me. He said he could see the pain on my face and was so glad I said something. He apologized again so I explained why I was reacting so strongly. Once I told him what going on all the feelings of disconnection dissolved.

I’m learning to speak up and each time it gets easier. In my 29 year marriage I kept pretty much anything but “nicey, nice” to myself. So I’m working to get rid of a deeply ingrained habit. One thing I’ve discovered is that the quicker I speak up, the quicker I get back on track to being the happy woman I generally am. And when I do it quickly, I don’t have any time to build it up into something worse. I’m like a lot of women in that I can take some little incident and in my mind, especially in the middle of the night, work it into something much bigger than it is. Then I get upset and it takes more effort to get back to my normal state of being happy.

If you can learn to speak up by sharing what’s going on inside of you, with no blaming, you should be able to resolve issues quickly, and in so doing, build intimacy and love. I was really afraid to speak up but Chris has encouraged me by telling me how much closer and more intimate we will be. He was right, as he usually is. I’m blessed to be with a man who can teach me about being in a relationship. He’s helped me be more effective at counseling others and in my writing. We’re actually talking about doing some couples workshops in the near future. I think that will be amazing.

With much love,
Kara

When researching my book I asked men what they don’t like about women. Complaining frequently toped the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining.

But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. They can’t help themselves. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and feels like a failure.

A complainer isn’t usually asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. Or it’s simply a habit. I know people who have a habit of complaining. That’s their communication style. Ugh! If you’re like me, you can’t get away from that kind of person faast enough.

If you really do need help with something a better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” (state the problem, succinctly.) Then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, and blaming is guaranteed to shut him down. And the great thing about doing this is YOU GIVE HIM AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE YOUR HERO. Men love that.

If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me that the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, he’s failed at his primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed. He is drawn to make you happy. If you complain a lot, you are saying with each complaint, “I’m not happy.” He feels like a failure and after a while, he’ll need to leave or “become” a failure. Who wants a man who feels like he’s a failure? And what man want’s to endure that. The man who stays with that kind of a woman is a wuss. And we call him Pussy Whipped. Ugh. Bad, bad, bad all around.

Too many women expect the man to be the source of their happiness. That’s too big a burden on anyone. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. When you take charge of making yourself happy, he feels successful, even though he may have absolutely nothing to do with it. When you’re happy you’re much more appealing to him, he feels like he’s successful as your partner, and his heart opens up to you. This is a case of win/win if there ever was one.

Another reason not to complain is because it’s unattractive. When I find myself complaining I feel downright ugly. Feminine Grace is about doing everything with grace, having control over our actions, taking responsibility for how we behave, and the impact our words and actions have on others. That’s when you’re most beautiful. Complaining is ugly, appreciation is beautiful. Which would he prefer? Which would YOU prefer to be? It really is your choice. The only way change occurs–at least if we want some say in those changes–is to choose to do things differently.

I just got this question:

Dear Kara,

I have so many questions about men it is ridiculous. Before I ask you anything I want to tell you a little about me. I am a 24 year old single mother of two. I am a part-time receptionist at a law firm and I am a full time college student. I am smart, fun, funny, and people always tell me how beautiful I am. I have been known to stop traffic literally. My problem is I can not get a man to think of me as anymore than a game or sex toy. I have dated alot of guys since I was a teenager and as I get older its getting harder to get a serious relationship. I definitely want to get married someday but I can’t even find a guy suitable enough to date. I have been settling for loosers who have girlfriends and wives and the relatioships always end with me being humiliated. I feel like I might as well be fat and ugly because that’s how I get treated. (No offense to fat people.) What is wrong with me? It can’t be that there are that many wrong guys out there. HELP!
Sincerely,
S.V.

and my response to her:
Dear S.V.,

If you attract only men who want to use you, you are putting that out to them. If you truly don’t know what you are doing to attract those kind of men, ask a trusted friend for advice. The risk is that you won’t want to hear what she has to say and you will not want her as a friend. Better to go to a personal shopper and tell her your problem and that you need a make-over. Also do the same with your hairdresser. Maybe ask the other hairdressers to give you really honest feedback and ideas about how to attract quality men. And try going to places where that kind of man can be found. Adult education classes, lectures, charity groups, etc. Church if you are church-going. Look in new places and you will meet new men. AND THE MOMENT YOU DISCOVER THAT A MAN IS INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN ANY WAY…DROP HIM AND RUN, VERY FAST, THE OTHER WAY!!! Did you hear that? If not, read it again and again until you really get it.

I hope you can turn things around. And please, please, please tell me you never let these men be around your children. They need stability in their lives and bringing around different men a horrible thing to do to them. For all kinds of reasons. Until you are with someone who is a truly good man, good to you, and your parents approve, you should not introduce them to your children. Then, do so very, very slowly. Don’t sleep with any man at your house (if the children are home) until you are married, preferably, or at least engaged. I’m not old-fashioned but when it comes to kinds, you need to put their fragile spirits first. They are much more impressionable than you can imagine and they are learning, by your example, EVERYTHING from you. Kinds know so much more than people realize. Your first priority must always be their needs.

With much love,
Kara

A woman wrote today with this question:
Dear Kara,

I have been married now for two years and in the process of divorcing a man that really did not quite love me. He did not even like the way I talked or laughed. Well I went ahead and married him anyway simply because he was looking for someone to cook him meals, look after his children and iron his shirts etc. and I was lonely and had not had a relationship for years. Basically I have been a glorified maid. For the past 10 months we have been working in different cities so I got to really like this other guy that I worked with. He was friendly and at times he would ask me for lunch and confide in me about some very personal stuff - his former girlfriends, current women he was interested in, his family etc. i got really close to him. my relationship with my husband in the meanwhile was going down the drain and we were hardly talking. Two months ago before i relocated home I told this guy that I had really grown to like him and that my marriage is not working - i got a bit emotional about the troubles in my marriage and ended up crying (ok I feel really stupid now). Well he clamped up and said he was extremely flattered but he didn’t know what to say and that he had a girlfriend, that i was married and that i should sort out my life.

I left and came back home to try and sort out my marriage but its not working and my husband and I have agreed to separate and get a divorce. I have been communicating with this guy via the occasional email just to say how are things etc. I still miss him though and like him a lot. What do you think that I should do now that my marriage is over? Should i let him out of my system or consider him eligible? Somehow i cant shake the feeling that he really liked me too but i blew it by telling breaking down in front of him and telling him how i felt. I want to start a new life and start dating but somehow this guy is still in my system.

What should I do?
J.M.

My response to her:
Dear J.M.

This other man gave you a clear message that he is not interested in you as a girlfriend. Be thankful for that because you can get on with your life. Don’t jump into a relationship too quickly. You need to fall in love with yourself and you can’t do that if you are falling in love with a man. You need to be your first priority. You need to regain your self confidence because admitting that you were a glorified maid is not easy to digest. Realize that you are worthy of much more and that you will be self loving enough not to lower yourself to be acceptable to the first man to come along. Rise and shine and you will attract a terrific man. Then you will not be judging your self worth by whether or not you have a man in your life.

I wish you much wisdom, great insight and a happy new life.

With much love,
Kara

Which comes first, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? Does one make the other blossom more fully? The reason I ask is because this weekend my boyfriend told me how sexy I was being. Until he said something I didn’t notice what was going on for me. When I started paying attention I did notice that what I was feeling was more womanly. I was really comfortable with myself (an important part of what I call Feminine Grace) and after spending 2 and a half weeks in Bali together, and even before that spending 3 weeks at his place (one day each week going back to Santa Barbara to check mail, water plants, see my mother and kids) while I worked on redecorating his house, I was also feeling more and more comfortable with him and our “usness”.

For most of the time we have been together he has been uncomfortable with my independence. He’s explained that he’s always been a couple because he has never had kids and never dated any before me that had kids and had a strong sense of family and nurturing. He likes being a couple and having a strong sense of coupleness with any woman he has been with. I have worked hard over the years that I have been single to develop my independence and I’m proud and happy with it. He doesn’t want me to ever give that up, but it hurts him when I am feeling independent (separate, doing “the thing” that I talk about in my therapy sessions). Now, as I’ve been settling into being more of a couple, the way I felt when I was married, I’m even more exciting to him.

So now I get to notice that as I feel more comfortable, I feel more womanly, and as a consequence, at least to my boyfriend, I am more sexy. I’ve also noticed men looking at me differently so maybe it’s showing up all over the place. Men have taught me that they find confident, open, happy women the most attractive. With the help of a lot of work on myself, I’ve become all those things but “the thing” that stand-off-ishness, has definitely gotten in the way of having closer relationships with people of both genders. But I digress, as I’m prone to do.

My questions to you is: Which comes first for you, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? And what does each feel like, what do you do to transmit those feelings to men or your man? How do men respond, etc. Let’s talk about it.

With much love,
Kara

I just got back from Bali Monday night. We were there for 18 days so that’s why you haven’t heard from me for a while. This was my 5th visit but it’s been 10 years since I was last there. The previous visit I was there for 2 months, beaten down emotionally after a year and a half struggle to save my marriage. Bali was the retreat for me to lick my wounds and finally rid myself of any desire to get back with my husband. It was the perfect place for me to heal and sooth my aching heart and soul. I loved it so much I was going to build a house and make Bali my home. After returning to Santa Barbara to file for divorce (my husband never wanted a divorce so would not file the papers) I never went back. I knew I needed to be here to write books and teach seminars. Now I am going to organize trips for women to join me for seminars and tours of beautiful Bali.

This time I went with Chris, my boyfriend of the last year and a half. He had never been and chose to take me to Bali to better know what makes his Kara tick and to discover the magic he’d heard so much about. Bali is said to be the most spiritual place on the planet and I completely agree.

I’ll be posting photos next week, after I get them back from Chris. He tool eleven rolls. No, he’s not digital yet. I’m also going to create a web site for our Balinese driver and guide, Wayan Darta. His English was excellent (essential for a good guide) and he was a delight to spend time with. I’ll share that URL when it’s completed.

One of the things I love most about Bali is the amazingly creative architectrure and gardens. Ponds abound and combine with nature so that your senses are constantly dancing with the beauty that is all around you. Because I love that look and feel so much, I created a Bali garden in my back yard. The link to photos of my home is at http://www.AliveWithLove.com/house/housemenu.html . (I used to be an interior designer in Montecito many years ago. I wanted to do only the tropical look but it was not popular at the time. Now everyone is doing it. Oh well, I guess I was ahead of my time.) The rice house, which is a raised platform where the Balinese rest and visit with each other is my favorite place in my back yard to read by the pond, listening to my waterfall and frog who sprays water from his mouth.

If you are going to Bali you must spend a lot of your time in Ubud. Chris is an expert surfer and loves the ocean so we spent the first 6 and last 2 days on the beach in an attempt to enjoy the famous surfing beaches of Bali. I say attempted because the first 4 days were at Puri Santrian in Sanur where the waves break way out so that the water near the hotel is still and during certain times through the day it looks dirty. The hotel was great. At the second place, Villa Kubu (villa #4) which was like a little home with private pool, we were led to believe that the beach was very close. It was not. It was a 20 minute walk and the hotel was not anywhere where we could walk to anything interesting. We turned the 4 nights that we’d booked into 2 nights and hightailed it to Ubud, where I’ve always stayed and where I was going to build my house and live.

In Ubud we stayed at the Komaneka Resort at http://www.asiarooms.com/indonesia/bali/komaneka_resort.html . I was already convinced that I wanted to stay there when my friend, Gigi, sent me a brochure to one of her favorite hotels and it was the Komaneka. So we booked 6 nights there. You can walk out to the street and be in the heart of all the action. I recommend room 201 because it is upstairs overlooking a beautiful rice field. We watched the farmer and his wife working in the fields, the dogs chasing children, the chickens and roosters. Take ear plugs for the morning rooster rousing. The food from the restaurant was excellent. We had American breakfast on our deck every morning after a dip in the unheated pool. Definitely wakes you up. Later in the day, after walking in the heat, the cool pool feels wonderful.

I’ll give you full descriptions of other places we stayed, what we did and what we saw when I get the photos. If you’re interested in joining me for a women’s trip to Bali, please send me an email and I’ll put you on the list for updates.

With much love,
Kara: OhKara@AliveWithLove.com