On Wednesday night my boyfriend, Chris, and I head off for Bali. I won’t be making any posts until I return on August 8th. At that time I’ll add some photos and tell you about our trip. I’m sure it will be filled with adventure, beauty and lots of romance.

Speaking of romance, I told Chris the other day that I think he is more romantic than I am, and I’m pretty darn romantic. He agreed with me. He does the most wonderful things. When I’ve shown up late from Santa Barbara he’ll have candles lit all over the house and up the stairway. And he’ll often have a romantic card waiting for when I return from being away. He does thoughtful things like that for me all the time.

I spend half my time with him and I haven’t particularly liked his house, which he hasn’t really done anything to for 20 years. So he asked what it would take for me to like his house. I told him and he’s done almost everything I asked for. He had the cottage cheese removed from the ceilings, he painted inside and out (I got to pick the colors), he carpeted, he put in a new stereo system (that was on his list, not mine), and when we return I get to pick draperies, new bedding, sofa and chairs in the living room, and rug and cushions in the breakfast room. Already it’s beginning to feel more like home, which is what he wanted. So sweet. This, from a man who doesn’t particularly like change… like most men out there.

So off to Bali and a full report when I return… Well, maybe not that full.

Hugs,
Kara

Hi,

In my book, Men Made Easy, I talk about women being ugly. That means being mean-spirited, nagging, putting people down, especially the children and husband/boyfriend. Basically, behaving in anything but a gracious way. Feminine Grace is what should replace ugliness if women are going to be able to create happy, love-filled, successfully enduring relatiionships. Well, it seemed that it isn’t fair to only have Ugly Women Awards for women who show their most unattractive sides.

For me first Ugly Men Award I offer it to a certain type of man in general, those who go to war against their fellow man because of hatred, narrow-mindedness, ego, need for power and an unwillingness to try to resolve problems/issues in “gracious”, non-violent ways. I won’t name names or situations but I think some of the things that are happening in the world today make it pretty obvious why I am offering this generic award right now.

I’ve never understood why violence has to be the answer. I guess because I err on the side of being TOO nice, as my ex-husband used to accuse me. And he did not mean it as a compliment. I’ve always thought that a great way for our political and religous leaders who have differences to solve their problems would be for them to remove all their clothes except for their underwear and sit in a room together until the problem gets solved. Who can be intimidated by a man in his underwear? Who can bully in their underwear? But, alas, no one has asked me how to solve the worlds enormous problems so I guess the men who run the world will keep their clothes on and continue to beat up on each other.

I pray every night for those people who get caught in the midst of wars and skirmishes that they did not invite. I pray for the safety of their children. I pray that the hearts of their children will not perpetuate the hatred that is so often at the core of why people fight with each other.

Someday, maybe, the world will be able to go without a war and the hatred that goes with it.

Blessings,
Kara

My high scool, Memorial High in Tulsa, Oklahoma, is having it’s 40th reunion. Class of ‘66. I was pretty much unknown and don’t know why I’m thinking of going in September. Curiosity, pride in who/what I’ve become, pride in what I have accomplished. I’m close to making reservations but haven’t quite done it yet. Several people are working hard to make it happen and have it be a great event so that is also nudging in the direction of making the trip from Santa Barbara. Here’s a cute poem that was sent out to all of us on the email list. I think most can relate, even if they’re not at their 40th or 60th yet:

Every ten years, as summertime nears,
An announcement arrives in the mail,
A reunion is planned; it’ll be really grand;
Make plans to attend without fail.

I’ll never forget the first time we met;
We tried so hard to impress.
We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,
And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.
It was held at a fancy hotel.
We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,
And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first
To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses
And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,
Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.
The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,
And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd
Who’d guided a spacecraft to the moon;
Or poor little Jane, who’s always been plain;
She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we’d decreed “most apt to succeed”
Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted “least” now was a priest;
Just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys
Who seemed to have aged the least.
Another was given to the grad who had driven
The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture
Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;
You never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether
They impressed their classmates or not.
The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;
By this time we’d all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;
We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.
Then most of us lay around in the shade,
In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,
We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren’t dead had to crawl out of bed,
And be home in time for their pill.

And now I can’t wait as they’ve set the date;
Our sixtieth is coming soon, I’m told.
It should be a ball, they’ve rented a hall
At the Shady Rest Home for the old

Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid;
My pacemaker’s been turned up on high.
My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;
And I’ve bought a new wig and glass eye.

I’m feeling quite hearty; I’m ready to party,
I’ll dance until dawn’s early light.
It’ll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one
Other person can make it that night.

~Author Unknown

Posted by Kara Oh

Dear Kara,
I read chapter two in your book and it really scared me. I do not have feminine grace.

First off, I have always been a tom boy. I am to thin as everyone always tells me. 5′3 and I weigh 103. I have three kids so you can only imagine what my body looks like. The boobs I used to have are gone. So I do not know how I can love that. I am not out of shape I just do not have a shape or curves.

I find that lately I am the ugly person in chapter two. My boyfriend and I have been fighting because I feel he does not try to make me happy or do anything for me. Even sexually. I make him feel bad because I tell him the things I would like him to do for me and he says I make him feel inadequate.

I do not understand how I can get feminine grace? I think I am a lost cause. I have absolutely no grace.
Worried,
Nickie

My answer:
Hi Nickie,

Feminine Grace isn’t necessarily about being feminine. It’s more about falling in love with being a woman. It’s about being self-assured and comfortable in your own skin. A woman in t-shirts and jeans can still have Feminine Grace. So can a woman with baggy boobs. If you treat the people close to you with loving respect you are practicing Feminine Grace. They will respond. You know, the honey vs. vinegar thing. When you say things that will hurt, emasculate, or undermine your boyfriend, that is the opposite of Feminine Grace, what I call being “ugly.” And everyone is repelled by ugly. You can become more “beautiful” in how you treat people and with time, often immediately, they will respond.

When you start incorporating the suggestions in my book into your relationship, your boyfriend will begin to let down his guard and start seeing you as the woman he fell in love with. Give it some time and be patient. You might have some resentments built up that could cause you to not be nice to him. But if you remember your goal, to have a more loving relationship, (that’s YOUR goal, what YOU want,) then with time, often much less than you might expect, he will start to be more loving toward you. The more you enjoy being a woman, the more loving he is, the more you enjoy being a woman. You both win. I hope that helps give you more confidence that you are not lacking in anything except practice. You’ll do great. Let me know how it is going.

Joyfully,
Kara
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer

The more time I spend studying the world of romance, love, relationships, and men, the more I am convinced about why women lose interest in sex. Aside from resentment, which I think is the greatest killer of love and passion, more often than not I think women lose interest in sex because most men don’t have a clue about what it takes to be a good lover. I’m not even talking about a great lover. Those are rare and usually if they’re too good, they’re also pretty likely to need lots of variety. They didn’t get good by reading Shakespeare.

The problem is that most men aren’t able to receive advice on the topic of their sexual abilities. And even for those who do want to learn, they don’t know what it means to have a softer touch, or to kiss more sensuously, or to simply slow down the process and pay enough attention to read the signs of how the woman is progressing. And when you think about it, how would most men learn to be good in bed? There’s nothing in our society that is meant to teach men the finer points of sexual ability.

I happen to think that women are, overall, more sexual than men. That’s because women are more sensual. They are more inclined to enjoy the world through their senses because they are more in touch with their senses and with their bodies. They have been encouraged all their lives to be open to what the senses can tell. So it stands to reason that they are more sensually inclined when it comes to sex. When a sensually open woman has a partner who isn’t very sensitive to the full possibilities of sexual expression, she’s frustrated and eventually prefers not to have sex at all. When a man is too rough, lacks knowledge of female sexuality, and is too quick to “get to the point” the woman loses interest very quickly.

In my workshops, “Embracing Our Sensual Selves” I asked the women what they would like me to tell the men in their workshops and in my writing. Always, always most of them would emplore, “Tell them to slow down. And tell them that what they think is slow, should be at least doubled in time.”

I would really like to get your feedback on this because I am preparing an article for a major magazine. Would you please write to me and give me your comments and experiences on this topic. You can write to me here. I would really, really appreciate as much feedback from both men and women as possible. Please give me specifics about what makes a man or woman a good lover and what makes them a bad lover. Let’s have some fun with this so we can all learn.

By the way, for any men who might be interested in actually being a great lover, you might want to take a look at my eBook class="peach" href="http://howtomakeawomanhappy.com">and Women Made
Easy. I offer great detail about what it takes to be a great lover, not to just “score.”

With much love,
Kara

In order to find Mr. Right, you first have to know what he looks like. That’s what dating is all about. Most people think the purpose of dating is simply to find Mr. Right, but that is only half of the purpose. The other half is to identify what Mr. Right looks like to you.

The first thing you have to know is that there is no one Mr. Right out there. Mr. Right doesn’t have to be tall, dark or handsome. He doesn’t have to like long walks on the beach. He doesn’t even have to say “I love you” (that is, if that isn’t something you desire). Mr. Right does, however, have to fit all of your requirements for the perfect mate. How do you define your requirements? You date.

Make Your List and Check It Twice

With every date you go on, you have an opportunity to decide what you do like and what you don’t like in a man. Here’s the key: write it down! Make a list of all that you desire in a partner and all the things you won’t stand for. Do you want a man who is outgoing or introverted? Do you want someone who is dominant or submissive? Do you want to be kept, or do you want to do the keeping? Knowing the qualities you want in a man and a relationship will help you identify Mr. Right when you meet him.

There is one important point to remember, however. Truly knowing what you want in a man requires an understanding of men. You must understand what drives them to be a better partner for the woman they are with. Because my book, href="http://alivewithlove.com/book_info/bookinfo.html">Men Made
Easy,, is all about understanding men and knowing what to do to get what you want from them, it will help you define your perfect and for those who are already in as relationship, it helps women bring out the Mr. Right that is just needing a little coaxing.

With much love,
Kara

I’m afraid my third therapy session wasn’t very interesting. It was a lot of background info on my boyfriend and me. Stuff about our parents, how we were raised, etc. My father left when I was 3 and I never saw him again after that. On my daughter’s 3rd birthday he phoned to say hello. I’d left a letter at his sisters telling him he was a grandfather. It was a nice chat. A couple of months later he called asking me to wire a $50 loan to him. I said I didn’t have that kind of money. Two months later he asked to “borrow” $17. I knew that was a test so I somehow got up the inner strengh to say no. He said no problem, that he understood, that he’d come to California to visit but I never heard from him again.

One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that once you start therapy, or sign up for a self-exploration workshop, things begin to bubble up. Somethiing that came up in the midst of an intense 1:00 a.m. conversation with my boyfriend is that I had a very strong, body-felt experience of being very afraid of being caught being wrong. Not being wrong, but being caught. I realized that I have spent my entire life being very, very careful not to put myself in any position where I might get caught. Of course, I got caught all the time. People do make mistakes. But my fear created a kind of dishonesty in that I put a lot of energy into not showing my cards. It will be interesting to see how this impacts my every-day interactions with people. It should help me be more open so that “The Thing” doesn’t show up as often. Eventually I’m hoping it just disappears.

On June 26th I posted my thoughts about young women Flaunting Their Fat. Now is an article in the Los Angeles Times, July 4th, 2006, Calendar section titled “Letting it all hang out”. In that article staff writer Robin Abacarian calls those females with the rolls haning over their jeans and too-tight clothes Sausage Casing Girls.

She starts out: The Sausage Casing Girls are everywhere this summer, their muffin tops hanging over their hip-skimming jeans, clothes shrink-wrapped around fleshy bodies that look as if they’ve been stuffed – like forcemeat – into teensy tops and skintight pants.

She goes on to say that we could be tempted to applaud these girls who are going against the Southern California image of way, way too thin. There are health risks, which I mentioned in my earlier post, but as the L.A. Times writer points out there also seems to be a problem with being in touch with reality. She thinks the girls are in “deep denial, pouring themselves into clothes that are putting them in a phthon squeeze.”

From the article: “Everyone wants to buy a small size, even it it looks terrible,” said psychologist Nancy Etcoff, who directs the Program in Aesthetics and Well Being in the department of psychiatry at Massacsetts General Hospital. “There is shame in buying sizes that are abaove 8, which some think is already a big size.”

Abacarian goes on to write: Young men are not oblivious to the legions of girls wearing too-tight clothes. Bryce Widelitz, a 19-year-old college student who works as a day camp counselor in Cheviot Hills, said he thinks two things when he sees this: “My first impression is that it’s just digusting,” he said apologetically. “My second impression is that they are just trying to be like everyone else and fit in: ‘Everyone else is wearing it, so why can’t I?’ ”

When I was at the Fiona Apple concert I asked my 35 year old son what he thinks of the girls with bellies haning out over their jeans: “Gross!”, which pretty well sums it up.

There is a photo of a cute young woman, Blanca Perez, 26. She has in-style clothes on but nothing is haning out. She says, “There is such a thing as a cute fat chick, and that’s me.” And she is cute. But her clothes are tasteful.

Again, however, my question: jWhy are girls okay with looking so unhealthy? Even in cultures where it is the norm to be fat, the norm then is unhealthy. I feel bad for the young people who are going to pay a price all their adult lives if they stay fat.

For me, it’s all about looking healthy, vibrant, and filled with life.

This might be odd but because I got so many compliments on my apple crisp yesterday at the neighborhood 4th of July pot luck I thought maybe you might like the recipe:

Apple Crisp Recipe
12 medium apples, peeled and sliced (I use 4 different apples, all good for cooking)
1 1/2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
3 tablespools fresh orange juice
zest of whole orange (grated fine)

For Topping
1 1/2 cups firmly packed darak brown sugar
3/4 teaspoons cinnamon
1 1/8 cups all purpose flower
slightly more than 1/4 teaspoon salt
9 tablespoons butter

* Slice apples into a greased 9 x 18 class casserole
* Stir orange jice, lemon juice and orange zest into the apples.
* Mix brown sugar, flower, cinnamon, and salt into a bowl. Cut in the butter. Mix well. (A Cuisinart or pastry blender works well. Or just a fork working with soft butter.)
* Spread topping mixture evenly over the apples.
* Bake at 350 for 45 minutes, or until golden brown and bubbly.
* Let cool (It’s better warm than cold.)

Enjoy!

With much love,
Kara

Here’s a question that came in yesterday:
Hi Kara! I’m at a fork in the road and don’t know which way to turn. There are times when my boyfriend is the sweetest, most considerate and funniest man in the world. It’s like I’m hanging out with my best friend. But there are other times when his insecurities come out and he flips out. He yells and says horrible things that he doesn’t remember. He is really heartless and self-centered when this hits. I feel like he has 2 personalities. It’s really impacted our relationship. To the point where I don’t know if I should try to make it work, or run.

My response:
When you are just boyfriend/girlfriend it is the time to “test the waters.” Are you looking for something long term? I am assuming the answer is yes or you wouldn’t be tolerating his behavior. Your job is to determine whether or not the person you’re involved with is someone you would like as a long-term partner. If marriage is what you want, is this the person you want to be the father of your children? I would hope not. He is showing his best side right now. As you settle in, it will get worse, this can almost 100% be guaranteed. I would say you should get out now before it escalates into something much more serious and very likely dangerous. You need to be with someone who you can count on to be consistent. If he doesn’t remember that he does these things, I suspect it is while under the influence of a drug or alcohol, another reason to GET OUT NOW!

When you break the news to him, do so with a brother or other male you can count on to protect you. This man will most likely go crazy and you don’t want to be alone with him. Get help!!!

With much concern,
Kara