This is an odd first post but it's what's up for me. Funny, because that's how therapy works best–talk about what comes up–and this post is about the therapy that I've just started. 

I hadn't been to a therapist in years and lately my boyfriend has been suggesting that I might find it beneficial to have someone not involved in my life to talk to. So I made an appointment with someone who was recommended to me and we had our "first date." It's not usually until the second that you know if you should continue.

In the first session I wanted to talk about what I call "The Thing." It's a thing I do that I don't like. When I'm with someone, for a variety of reasons, I feel separate, disconnected, like there is a little thin wall between us. I find myself standing back, like I'm watching instead of being engaged. Until I was in my 40's and started working on this, it was a really big, thick wall. People thought I was aloof and a snob. I was just scared and kept myself distant, unable to be vulnerable.

This is a topic that has been ongoing between my boyfriend and me. I do The Thing and he can feel it and see it, and he has dealt with it by lovingly being patient and letting me come back when I'm ready. But I don't like it because I prefer to be close with the people I care about. And now that I'm talking about it, he realizes he doesn't like it either because it keeps us separate and I'm not being vulnerable like he prefers.

So I started telling the therapist about this thing I do and what happened was really cool. You know how, when you take your car so they can hear that funny noise, and your car behaves and doesn't make the funny sound? Well, in this case, I made the sound. She described what she was noticing about me, that I went in and out of being distant. She got to see The Thing in action. I was so excited. And because she described it perfectly (I can't remember the words she used) I felt really hopeful that she was going to be able to help me let go of The Thing. 

I'm really good at doing my own inner work and evolving myself to become more of my essence, who I am meant to be. But I told her I didn't know how to fix this, otherwise it would have been fixed long ago. What was great is that she said she didn't know what to do either. I loved that she had the confidence to say that. It boosted my belief that we were going to be able to resolve this most pressing of issues for me. Yeah!

When I stopped by to visit with a girlfriend on my way home she said I was ebullient, one of my very favorite words. And this is coming from someone who tells me all the time that she needs to be around me to give her a boost. Others tell me they need a Kara Fix. What will I be like when The Thing is a "thing" of the past.

I'll tell you about the second session next time.

Joyfully,

Kara