Dating Advice With a Twist » 2006

Since love, romance, and satisfying relationships is my primary focus, I often read books on those topics. Last night I was reading Be Loved For Who You Really Are and there was a section that had a great suggestion. When things are bad, ask what’s right or good about what’s going on. If you will step back and away from the hurt you are feeling, there is always, always some lesson that can be learned. How we respond to outside influences has to do with our inner workings. A sales clerk is rude. One person will get angry at them, another might just steam quietly inside, another might just assume the sales clerk’s hemeroids are acting up and send them blessings. It’s the upsets that tend to have the good stuff buried beneath the pile of doo-doo. What can you learn about your childhood lessons about dealing with the situation that is causing you consternation? What does it tell you about what you believe about yourself? What does it tell you about what changes you need to make?

Another good question to ask is how can this make me a better person. How can this help me learn how to communicate my needs, my upset, my vulnerability in such a way that love flows instead of constricting. And what can you learn about each other. What do you each need to feel loved. If you make a plan to use the upsets to learn about each other and learn what each of you needs to feel loved, your skills at communicating will grow immeasurably and your love can’t help but flower.

I just finished watching Sleepless in Seatle and at the end Jimmy Durante sings “Make Someone Happy”. Here’s the lyrics:

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy;
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you,
One girl you’re ev’rything to.

Fame if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where’s the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you’ve found her, build your world around her.

I think one of the reasons so many relationships fail is that people are focused on what they want, rather than what they can give. I often help women determine what qualities they are looking in for a man but sometimes I forget to tell them to make a list of what they are willing to give and what they feel they have to offer a man. It’s a good exercise and one that I think each of us, even if we are in a relationship and married for years, could benefit from doing.

If you are more focused on making your partner happy than on how they can make you happy (or worse, how they are failing to make you happy) then I think most relationships would have a whole lot better chance of success.

Why not make your list right now. Or if you are involved, why not make a game of the two of you making a list and then sharing it. This could be a wonderfully romantic thing to do over wine and cheese in the park. If you do this, would you write back and share how it went?

I was hoping that my post about Star Jones would create some dialogue. Thank you, all of you, for taking the time to comment. Actually, I have enjoyed what Star Jones has brought to the show since the first day. My comments were more about the damage she is doing to herself. I do not know the back-room details but it appears that Barbara wanted to help Star save face. It is Star’s choice to tell the truth but the fact that she chose to be less than graceful is why I offer this first award. One of the most significant aspects of Feminine Grace is that a woman be able to walk away from any situation (even when she needs to be the bad guy) so that those left behind say, “What a woman” with a bit of awe and admiration in their voice. What Star has chosen to do has sullied her good name by being ugly.

I don’t know why she was released. My reaction was that the show would suffer without her. I wanted to write to her and tell her so. I admire her and hope that this will lead her to greater heights. But I think there will be a stain on her name for a very long time. That makes me sad. She is a gracious woman (or so it has seemed over the years) so it is surprising that she did not handle this with more grace, especially since she has had plenty of time to adjust, and because it “appears” that she and the View had made a deal to make the announcement on Thursday. I’m sure more will be revealed.

When I heard Star Jones’ announcement yesterday that she was leaving the View I felt really bad and was seriously considering sending her an email of support. (I’ve obviously missed the gossip that she was going to be leaving.) But when I heard Barbara Walters’ explanation this morning that Star had dishonored the View’s preference to protect Star, I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to celebrate my first Ugly Woman Award.

Star gets the Ugly Woman Award because she should be ashamed of how she is behaving. She has become a very rich celebrity and should be heaping mountains of appreciation and thanksgiving on Barbara Walters and the producers of The View. The opportunities and the doors opened have been beyond most people’s wildest imagination. Even now the notice at MSNBC is kind.

My definition of being ugly is when a woman is being bitchy; when she is out of integrity; when she is whining or ungrateful; when she is putting a man down or emasculating him; when she is being a mean mother, not respectful of her children’s unique spirit; and when she’s nagging, complaining, mean, disrespectful, and/or crass. So I am going to tell you when I’ve seen a women being ugly when I’m out and about or in the media. My term for a woman who is being beautiful is Feminine Grace. You can read about Feminine Grace here.

I need some advice! I have been with my boyfriend Matt for nearly 3 years now. He is very selfish and I sometimes find it hard to be in a relationship with him because it feels as though sometimes he just couldnt care less about my feelings. Its not all bad though, he is a great guy and he can be so good to me sometimes (when it suits him!). I am 23 years old and he is nearly 26…

From day 1 he has always had all the control over this relationship. The relationship has always been on his terms and he takes me for granted. For example…the last few weeks he has been spending a lot of time going out drinking with his friends and pushing me to one side whilst he has his fun… I really don't have a problem with him going out with his friends but not if he doesn't have time for the relationship.

He always says that I need too much attention but I dont think that I am particularly demanding. I just want him to be a little less selfish. He always does whatever he wants, even if it means cancelling plans with me cos he got a better offer from his friends…this doesn't happen all the time but it has happened enough times and I am starting to feel fed up! I am starting to lack confidence because of this.

I have told him that I am unhappy and he keeps saying that he wants to make me happy and that he loves me and will put more effort in but it seems to be just talk. I have been thinking about ending the relationship, I really dont want to because we both love each other a lot and in a lot of ways we are good together, but I just can't go on losing my self confidence. I thought maybe if i could understand him a bit better I might become a bit more confident about the relationship and about myself.

Did you read my book yet? If you did, and he isn't responding, then he doesn't love you enough. If he really cares about you and your happiness, then he should be responding to what you are doing. It doesn't seem like it is worth the heartache. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Do you want this man to be the father of your children, the grandfather to your grandchildren? Do you see yourself growing old with him? If not, then you are wasting good years. No one, man or woman, should be with someone who doesn't respect you. This man is showing you where stand in his life. You are definitely not the most important. Of course your self confidence would suffer when you are willing to be a door mat. You need to be strong and stand up for what you need.

My boyfriend is amazing at getting a lot done, at being focused, and consequently, he's been very, very successful. On the occasion I am not quite ready to go out (I'm usually ready before he is) instead of waiting by either talking to me, reading the paper or a magazine, he'll start one of his projects or do a chore around the house. What ends up happening is that I always end up waiting for him to finish up so we can get in the car. I've become more and more aware of this and it has started to bother me. I'd wanted to say something, but couldn't quite find the right moment. Then another thing happened that added to my need to talk to him.

What happened is that I'd used his phone to call my web partner in Arkansas and then phoned a girlfriend in LA. Because I have only my cell phone I decided to use his 2nd line because it has unlimited long distance. But both of the calls I made were to cell phones so, as we all do, we simply return the call by hitting send on the call received. So they ended up calling on his line. I've never before received a call on his phone so this was new, and there were two in one weekend. He causually mentioned that he had not gotten as much done that day on his writing because of interruptions, one of which was the call from my web partner. My reaction was, "Okay, I won't make any more calls on your line." But I didn't say anything, just thought it. Then the next day, my girlfriend called back on his line while he was playing the piano. He had to get up to take the call and I could tell he was just a bit perturbed. Again, I didn't say anything.

When I went to the therapist I begain by telling about what was bothering me. The waiting, I knew, had to do with me thinking my needs are less important than those people I care about. I've been a mother for 38 years and was a wife for 29 years. I took my responsibilities very seriously and tried to be the best wife and mother I could be. Consequently, I'm a giver, a nurturer, and it gives me great pleasure. But…over the years, there have been times that I was resentful that I couldn't speak up and say no or say what I would prefer.

One of the ongoing issues between my boyfriend and me is my ability to be open with him. When I told him about the therapy session he was upset that I didn't speak up sooner. (Which is exactly what I told the therapist he'd say.) He wasn't upset that I felt the way I did, he was upset that I hadn't said anything. I told him I realized that when I don't speak up, it's like lying and it creates a distance between us. He picks up on thaat distance and finds it harder to feel close to me. He agreed.

Being a problem solver and loving to make me happy, his suggestion was that whenever the second person is done getting ready to go, the other person can announce that we need to be ready to leave within 2 minutes. In other words, finish up whatever we're doing. With the phone thing, he called the phone company the next day and made an appointment to get a phone line put in for me. I told you, he gets things done.

Hi Kara,

Perhaps I'm the only odd one out of all women who purchased your book. I always treat my man with my feminine grace attitude, I am very unlucky perhaps I meet all the wrong ones. I been married for nearly 10 years I adore my ex-husband I treated him almost the same what you said in your book, but my marriage ended because he couldn't love me. He go back to his ex- girlfriend.

I have 3 years relationship after my divorce I've done everything for this guy, I treat him with full love and respect in return he cheated on me. He ask someone else to moved in with him instead and kicked me out of the house I ended up homeless. I hardly recover with the pain I became very depressed and lost interest in man I couldn't trust anybody.

Last year I met someone, I go out with him because I love him so much, the same thing I treat him with full love and respect. I cook his dinner give him holistic treatment all the good treatment that a woman can offer to a man I give it to him, that's why I bought your book to educate myself a bit more. The more I get closer to him the more he keep his distance. He avoided me completely, he dumped me just before Valentine's Day. I feel very sad and very lonely because I miss him. He ring me sometime just to say how I am! That's all. Can you tell me where I go wrong? Would I ever be happy again? Thanks for reading this email. I feel very disappointed in my life very unfortunate with men.

It sounds like you do too much. My book is about women honoring and respecting themselves. Men said they were most attracted to women who were self-confident, self-assured, and interesting. When a woman does too much for a man, you take away their job of doing for you and making you happy. They get bored, they lose respect, and they get lazy. Some women who do too much tend to be clingy and needy. That really turns a man off. Those are just some ideas that come to mind from what you say about your situation. I hope you find happiness.

You might want to read the chapter on Feminine Grace again. I do not tell women to cater to and wait on their man. The goal is for you to get what you want, not just give him what he wants. You can read that chapter at AliveWithLove.com at http://www.AliveWithLove.com/beauty/feminine.html

Have you ever thought about why you date? Isn't it for finding Mr. or Ms. Right? Well, yes and no. I realized, after answering too many questions from women and, yes, men, who needed to let go and move on, what the real purpose of dating is, or, should be. One reason we date is to have fun, go out, do things as a couple because let's face it, the world is organized around coupledom. But another, more useful purpose of dating is to learn. We need some experience to learn what we want in a partner, what we don't want, how to communicate our needs, how to serve the other's needs without disrespecting ourselves, and what it feels like to love, be loved, and even how to be strong enough to part when we know it's time.

But what I've noticed is that way too often, people get involved and immediately try to force the other person into being their image of what a partner is supposed to be. They ignore red flags, bad behavior, incompatibilities, and try to change the person instead of realizing that this is not the right person for them. Dating is a selection process. The problem is that most people don't have a clear idea of what they're looking for. That's why it's important to make a list of qualities that you're looking for. Then, when a person falls short of matching that list, it's important to say, "Next." It doesn't mean that you or that person are bad or unlovable, it simply means that you're not right for each other. But for some reason, that's hard for a lot of people to admit.

I went to a Fiona Apple concert last night at the Santa Barabara Bowl. I had never heard of her but my son and his girlfriend invited me and my boyfriend to join them. Fiona was very entertaining. We were in the 7th row so we could really enjoy her intensity. What I noticed and wanted to comment on is how a very large percentage of the girls and young women were very much over weight. I don't mean a few extra pounds. I'm talking about enough extra weight that their health, if not already, will one day in the near future be at risk.

The fascinating thing is that they all wear the latest fashions, very skimpy, with lots of skin showing. What I don't get is (maybe I'm I just clueless) is this no longer unattractive? When I see someone who is the "right" weight (not one of those skinnines) my thought is that they look healthy. Healthy is attractive, unhealthy is not. I think it's great that the skinny look is seemingly going out of style (yes, there is still serious anorexia and bullimia issues) but why the shift to overweight? I'm mystified that so many young girls and women of all levels of beauty, are flaunting their fat?

I'm a size 4, weight 133 (want to be 127) and I have some "jigglies" on my butt so I never wear light colored pants unless they are a bit loose. And if my weight is slightly up, I am really selective about what to wear. Am I just overly self-absorbed or should I, too, just quit caring.

I am trying to focus on those things, but I have an expectation I can't seem to shake. We have been dating for 20 months and he talks about us getting married next year. I have set a deadline in my mind that I should have a ring by the time we have dated for 2 years if that is the case.

He told me recently that the ring will be purchased, he wants to get himself financially in order and get the ring I deserve. I listened to him as he described how he had been feeling less than because he had't run out and just bought the ring like someone else with more money could. I listened and thanked him for telling me and I told him I have never thought he wasn't good enough.

I guess the question is how long do I accept this as a reason? Am I being realisitc to set a time line? I don't want to be strung along, and my feelings are hurt that I haven't gotten the ring yet. It makes me feel like I am not important enough, (something I did tell him as we discussed this).

Please, please let go of your pictures of how it should look. If you continue on this path you will make him feel less of a man (which he's already admitted to feeling) instead of making him feel like a man, which is what he needs and wants from the woman he wants to marry. Most women would sell their souls to have a man like you are describing. Let go of your time line, let go of your futuring, and stop long enough to enjoy each moment as it unfolds. I understand what you are going through because I am in the same situation. I want things to move along more quickly than they are, but I keep reminding myself that it is just something that my little girl dreams and our culture is laying on me. It is getting in the way of enjoying the precious moments of getting acquainted and becoming a bonded couple. He has told you he wants to marry you, wants to give you the ring he can afford when he is able, and anything you do to push him will only snip away at his manhood. If you continue he will either move more quickly than is comfortable for him, which will eventually breed resentment. Another thing he might notice is that if you push him to buy you the ring before he is ready/able, it will fortell of what it would be like to be married to you, which would scare most men. The "you don't give me what I want" or "I want what the other couples have" will only belittle him and drive him away.

Read my book again and see that you are doing exactly what will cause him to fall out of love. You've been doing the right things so keep doing them and stop doing anything that makes him feel small or less of a man. I want you to realize that you have a gem and that you are a very lucky woman.