My second session of therapy:
A funny thing about therapy is that no matter how clear you are about what you will talk about, it always ends up being different than you thought it would be and absolutely perfect.
My boyfriend is amazing at getting a lot done, at being focused, and consequently, he's been very, very successful. On the occasion I am not quite ready to go out (I'm usually ready before he is) instead of waiting by either talking to me, reading the paper or a magazine, he'll start one of his projects or do a chore around the house. What ends up happening is that I always end up waiting for him to finish up so we can get in the car. I've become more and more aware of this and it has started to bother me. I'd wanted to say something, but couldn't quite find the right moment. Then another thing happened that added to my need to talk to him.
What happened is that I'd used his phone to call my web partner in Arkansas and then phoned a girlfriend in LA. Because I have only my cell phone I decided to use his 2nd line because it has unlimited long distance. But both of the calls I made were to cell phones so, as we all do, we simply return the call by hitting send on the call received. So they ended up calling on his line. I've never before received a call on his phone so this was new, and there were two in one weekend. He causually mentioned that he had not gotten as much done that day on his writing because of interruptions, one of which was the call from my web partner. My reaction was, "Okay, I won't make any more calls on your line." But I didn't say anything, just thought it. Then the next day, my girlfriend called back on his line while he was playing the piano. He had to get up to take the call and I could tell he was just a bit perturbed. Again, I didn't say anything.
When I went to the therapist I begain by telling about what was bothering me. The waiting, I knew, had to do with me thinking my needs are less important than those people I care about. I've been a mother for 38 years and was a wife for 29 years. I took my responsibilities very seriously and tried to be the best wife and mother I could be. Consequently, I'm a giver, a nurturer, and it gives me great pleasure. But…over the years, there have been times that I was resentful that I couldn't speak up and say no or say what I would prefer.
I remember once when my ex said, "I spend my whole like trying to figure out what the f–k you want." It was the only time he was truly angry with me.
One of the ongoing issues between my boyfriend and me is my ability to be open with him. When I told him about the therapy session he was upset that I didn't speak up sooner. (Which is exactly what I told the therapist he'd say.) He wasn't upset that I felt the way I did, he was upset that I hadn't said anything. I told him I realized that when I don't speak up, it's like lying and it creates a distance between us. He picks up on thaat distance and finds it harder to feel close to me. He agreed.
Being a problem solver and loving to make me happy, his suggestion was that whenever the second person is done getting ready to go, the other person can announce that we need to be ready to leave within 2 minutes. In other words, finish up whatever we're doing. With the phone thing, he called the phone company the next day and made an appointment to get a phone line put in for me. I told you, he gets things done.
I'm practicing speaking up and getting pretty good at it and he's feeling much closer…actually, we're both feeling closer because when either of us is feeling any kind of distance, the other picks up on it. Communication is the key but not always easy.
