3 Reasons Why You Should Not Pursue a Man
July 26, 2010 by Kara Oh
Filed under All About Dating
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does this count if your in a long term relationship?
Hi Kara. This advice is very timely for me. I met a man online last month (he contacted me); we live 7 hrs away from each other and have met twice in person (halfway both times), once for a long holiday weekend and once just for overnight because of work and time constraints. The weekend following our last get-together, he flew across the country for a family wedding; he texted me when he was leaving and also when he arrived safely, which I appreciated. Yet I haven’t heard from him since.
On our second weekend together we agreed to be “an established, monogamous, committed couple.” Things felt very right for both of us (we are in our 50s) and neither of us desires to date other people. We usually text each other a few times a day (I always let him initiate, as you advise) and we talk or IM almost every night. I’m hurt that he hasn’t contacted me at all since last Friday. I knew he was with his family so I didn’t want to bother him, but I thought he’d at least touch base once or twice over the weekend. In your post above you say the woman initiating contact once a week is more appropriate than every day (in a committed relationship). I’m happy to let him take the lead, and mirror his actions as you also advise. But as a committed couple, am I just supposed to sit around and wait for him to contact me after he’s set the tone for daily contact? This is unlike him and I don’t know if I’ve been dumped or not. I don’t think I have, but I don’t like having no contact for 4-5 days. I am not needy, jealous, or possessive, and I have an active social life, but if I’m in a monogamous relationship, can’t I expect a little more than this?
Hummm . . . yes, I am interested in Kara’s expert advice/reply on Kim’s dilemma as well.
I am in a similar boat . . . but I’ve been going out with mine for 9 months, and we were just professional friends for 7 months before we officially started to date (so we know each other for 16 months now, and from Day One, he was attracted to me already.) We also are exclusive (he wanted to) and are in a relationship (he said so.) Yet, he seems to have regressed in his interest in getting together lately (even though we don’t live as far away from each other as Kim’s from her, and we don’t really get together very often–like once a week or every 2 weeks, though when there were “opportune” times, then several times a week.)
I am now considering withdrawing myself . . . but wondering whether that will give him the idea that I am no longer interested in him . . . and make matter worse. I am actually considering opening up myself for other options if he’s no longer so into me. Yet, what about our agreement of “exclusive relationship”?
I have the same feelings as Kim . . . I am also not needy, jealous, or possessive. I have a lot of iron in the fire with my work and business life. I have a very active social life and education life. Like Kim, since I am in a monagamous relationship, I do expect some kind of consistency. And I don’t want to initiate the suggestion for getting together every time (which is what happens now-a-days . . . hence my feelings of his regressing interest.)
Any suggestions for those of us who are in the middle phases of the relationship (not just begun dating, yet not married or settled down yet), Kara?
TIA.
j
Wow, I don’t know where to begin. I am sorry you feel that way. Something very bad must have happened to you. I have never experienced anything like what you describe. The men I meet are mostly lovely men. And my boyfriend is the kindest, most loving man I have ever met.